Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. Maximum of 500 words.
As the fateful day approached, I grew more and more apprehensive. This was my first major medical operation, and it was safe to say that I was frightened. I have a rare medical condition known as Marfan's syndrome, an inherited disease that affects the connective tissue. This makes me very tall and lanky, and at 77 inches tall I have acquired the nickname "big friendly giant." However, it also enlarges my heart to a dangerous degree, and by the time I was sixteen, open-heart surgery was a necessity to ensure my safety.
The 17 hour operation was performed in the June of 2012. Apart from one or two minor complications, it went off without a hitch. As I groggily emerged from my anesthetic slumber, I was surrounded by my family and a team of highly trained medical faculty. At this point, I was far too dazed to have many meaningful thoughts. In the coming weeks of my recovery, though, I would have a chance to ruminate on that moment extensively. It seemed minor at the time, but as I thought about it more and more, I came to the realization that it was actually quite momentous.
My family has been a bastion of continuing support throughout my life. We may not always agree on every issue, but the important fact is that they are always there for me. It could be in the little things such as giving me advice when it comes to driving in inclement weather, or it could be the major events of my life such as during the operation. But no matter where I go, they are there to assist me along the way. I only recognized how much my father, mother, and brother have helped me when I looked back on that moment immediately following my surgery. They, more than any other factor, have pushed me to achieve great things. I want to prove to them that I can succeed in university and realize my fullest potential.
The other major elucidation that occurred to me as I thought about my medical experience was the dedicated doctors, nurses, and staff who ensured my well-being throughout my stay at the hospital. Many of them have had several years of schooling. The cardiac surgeons in particular went through decades of rigorous instruction in order to attain the jobs they currently hold. However, the biggest point I discovered is that they change lives every day. They have the ability to keep people alive, something I am quite thankful for today. After my operation, I knew that I wanted to also be someone who can change lives. I may not be going into the medical field, but I know that the best way to acquire the ability to bring about positive change is by doing well in school and becoming the best person I can be. I know the importance of higher education, and I want to be that person who can do great deeds that truly change lives.
So what do you guys think? Are there any major grammatical errors? Does it avoid becoming a pity party? Any other comments?
I think it is quite good, but you should elaborate a little more on how this event made you want to change people's lives as yours was changed for the better on that day. One of my best friends died while having a heart operation so I know it's deceptively a big deal. I think you could make this a little deeper without making it seem like you're asking for pity. I don't think you could sound that way even if you tried. Hope I helped!