Hey Guys! I'm new on the forum, but I don't have a lot of friends applying to schools where essays are required so I would love some peer opinions on what I've been writing.
Prompt: Yale Supplementary Essay - basically what can you tell us about yourself that we haven't seen in the rest of your application
Here it is, let me know what you think :)
Essay about The Big Mac Complex
On the first day of grade eight gym, our new teacher introduced himself with the eloquence and humor I would expect of the boys sitting across from me, throwing shoes at each other. Our new drill sergeant, shiny gym shorts and glistening whistle in tact, took special care to make us girls feel alienated from the class, assuring us that, "those fancy Starbucks frappucinos you all drink - they've got more calories than a Big Mac!" My grade eight self, bitter towards all things relating to the torturous marathon of dodgeball that is grade eight gym, was immediately suspicious of this claim. Where was he getting this information? Could I trust his confident smile and would I ever grow to laugh at his subtle put downs of those without strong athletic ability?
At the computer that night, I searched for the websites of every large coffee chain I could think of. I downloaded the nutrition information of the highest calorie drinks in their largest sizes and printed off document after document, my highlighter whizzed across numbers and brought my data to life! Finally, when the package was almost complete and perfectly assembled on my kitchen table, I visited the McDonald's website. Big Mac: 540 calories. I beamed, printed my final sheet of evidence and starred the truth-telling number. With that, my research was ready for submission, and I stapled the crisp papers with the gumption of a best-selling author, finally finished with her defining masterpiece.
Smiling sweetly, I presented my findings to the teacher the next day and waited for a retraction of his statement in front of the class. Instead, he shrugged and said, "Oh, well that's interesting" and carried on with his newspaper. No glory, no free pass out of grade eight. I simply had to put my shoes on and start running laps, just like everyone else.
As a seventeen year old, my bitterness towards athletics and pretentious need to be right have subsided; I now see the overreaction of a little girl whose need to do the right thing, to tell the truth, overwhelmed her and her respectful acceptance of authority. That being said, I'm forever grateful to that girl for standing up and not taking everything at face value. She showed me, as a student going through high school and approaching university, that searching and figuring out the answer for yourself will always be more rewarding and informative than simply absorbing facts spewed by textbooks and teachers. Those academic sources are a great place to start, but looking past the curriculum to the why and how of everything I learn is what I do best, it's my addiction. On campus in the fall, I want to find out the calorie content of everything my teachers say, every fact my textbooks present, and search to answer those questions I find myself asking about the stars, government, philosophy. That's the thing that I'll never change: from twelve to eighty-eight, I will always want to find the truth.hey i love this essay. I think that you perfectly conveyed who you truly were all throughout your essay. Simply without a doubt I highly recommend you use your essay for yale and as a common app essay. Also i love it how you stuck with one focus and each of your paragraphs are very intriguing and strongly written:)
hey by the way i edited my essay, can you tell me what you think of it....
Could I trust his confident smile, and would I ever ...
Use a comma at the end of dialogue: Instead, he shrugged and said, "Oh, well that's interesting," and carried on with his newspaper. ----terrible!! His ego is too big...
Hyphen: seventeen year-old
... is what I do best; it's my addiction.
You are an excellent writer!!! That concept you discuss in the last paragraph... can you discuss it in relation to the careers you have in mind?
:-)
