A big part of today's American culture is traveling; Important Issue UT Transfer Essay

Hello ! I am currently applying to University of Texas in Austin.
I've never been the most confident writer. But was interested in some feedback on my grammar and organization :)

The prompt:
Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

My essay:
A big part of today's American culture is traveling. People travel for vacation, to start a new life, business, personal needs, or for pure enjoyment. I, myself, grew up in a military family, with a single mother in the United States Navy. We moved so much it became a yearly norm. From Puerto Rico to California to Florida to Hawaii, my mom and I were constantly on the move my whole life. It has been an amazing opportunity seeing new cities and experiencing beautiful scenic areas. But one thing traveling has taught me the most is how diverse each and every community can be. Communities of different areas all have their own values that make them distinct from one another. However, one value stood out most from all the others. The value of caring.

In today's communities, people are beginning to get more and more caught up with the little things in life. It's even becoming a society norm. Having the next big thing from clothes to cars or even how much money someone makes, people's values are changing constantly. But what makes us human? Care. Whether it's personal care, caring for our environment, our city, or even taking care of our family. It can change our communities and even peoples overall growth.

I believe caring is profoundly important in the way it shapes us individually and our communities. Personally, as a kid, I was the girl who only cared about the little things in life. It wasn't until my great grandmother confronting me that the world has more to offer when you put more concern into yourself, the people around you, and the environment. At the time I thought that was crazy, but as I grew older she was right. When we care for our environment and the city, people all around us benefit. Recycling or simply not littering can help benefit our local communities in a multiple of ways. Caring for our people, whether its family or strangers, by simply doing a good deed can make a huge difference in someone's life and shape our growing society in a positive way. Caring is a value that shapes who we are tremendously. It doesn't necessarily mean the world needs to be eco friendly or be the next Gandhi for a positive change. But the simplest acts of caring can make a huge impact in different aspects.

I really liked you choice of topic, mainly because it's unique. However, to be frank, the thought process doesn't flow very well. I would have to reread some of your sentences several times before I understand what they means in relation to each other.


The other what? Other communities? Other values? You were talking about how distinct the communities was from one another, and then you suddenly switched gears.


Such as?


What became a society norm specifically?


How?


Again, how?


Some example of your personal examples would be good


Did you had some sort of experience that proves that your grandmother was right?


I see your concern for the environment and for other people. But where is the concern for yourself?


What benefits? Also why did you list specific examples such as "recycling" and "not littering" for environmental care, but you didn't list specific examples for "concern for yourself" and "for other people." "Doing a good deed" is broad and not specific. Did you gave out food to the homeless? etc.


Personally, I feel that this can be simplified and combined as one sentence. I would stay away from an ending sentence that start with "But", unless there's some type of dramatic effects, which I don't see any here. Also, "different aspects" of what? Of the world? of Life?

I think it might be better if you includes some examples of how the value of caring affect you personally. Not just that it does, but how? Your mental development, maturity...Maybe include something that you saw while on the move from place to place?

Overall this is a good essay. You just need to use more and better transitions as well as concrete examples.
That's all for me, sorry if I offended you. Hopes this helps :)

not offended at all! you gave great feedback and I'm working on the essay now. thanks !