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Big Things? Little Things! (I quit the Model United Nations)---UC #2


Ada King 1 / 1  
Nov 13, 2010   #1
Is that okay to say something NEGATIVE here in the essay?...I'm in doubt about my topic and tone...Please! Everything you suggest would be soooo helpful!

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Prompt 2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?


Big Things? Little Things!

I quit the Model United Nations after participating for two months.

Having just entered the top high school and immersing in ambiance of excitement and ambition, I raised a misty goal deeply in my heart: To do something significant and special, and to make my own contribution to the world around me. Alleviating the world's financial crisis or bringing peace to Middle East was all accepted as the very "something".

Soon after school began, I was captivated by the MUN because of its slogan, "We at MUN get together for a better world." It sounded just right! Besides, the images of wearing fitted suit, throwing myself into intense discussions with magical words like "UK affirms intention of cooperating" and greeting my classmates with "Hi, Norway!" or responding "Not bad, Dominica! See you around!" in the hallways were fascinating. I immediately attended an interview and obtained an official position within the MUN.

However, as time passed I discovered the "big things" were not to my liking. How could I fulfill my goal of making a difference through these endless chaotic debates, ill-considered papers, and dates with pompous boys after the conferences, rather than walking out the meeting room and taking something PRAGMATIC into practice? The MUN in China employs neither academic analysis nor critical thinking, and is far from its more formal and organized counterpart in western countries. Also it drove me far from my initiate anticipation "to bring out a better world".

The turning point occurred with foundation of BHSF Charity Club. We were shown series of pictures taken when some of our alumni were volunteer teaching in Wenhua Migrant Children School---I doubted if it could be called a school, however. It consisted of four classrooms, a hundred students and twelve teachers. That's all. No playground in the thirty-square-meter small yard, no drainage systems in washrooms, no extra classes except for math and Chinese, no advanced equipments, really, in spite of desks, chairs and a blackboard, no teachers with college diplomas. What I could hardly imagine about a school was exactly all the children obtained. While hardware beyond acceptance, to my surprise, children seemed satisfied. The big smiles on their faces hurt my eyes with brightness. Should I regard them as abject, or yielding with no aspiration, when what they got were all we were willingly to offer? Tears were sliding down along my cheek before I had noticed, as a thousand realizations seemed to hit me at once. While migrants from countryside pushing development process of cities, their children have no access to reasonable educational opportunities because of our neglect, or apathy, or stinginess. It was we that should be blamed for.

With the great shock I had experienced, I dedicated myself to the charity club. Suddenly, taking credit for solving the financial crisis or shaking hands with Mahmoud Abbas and Benjamin Netanyahu seemed less important to me than just gathering donated books for Wenhua School. What we are most concerned with is not how much the press praises us for our successfully holding "Run with me" in Bird Nest, but how we can use the money we raise and attention we get to help the children in Wenhua school get the equipment and care they need.

And on a personal level, working with my partner, a young Qinghai girl from a single-parent family who dreams of attending college, has turned to be more that a beneficent act. I have realized my value here as I help her prepare for final exams, or accompany her to the Capital Library for advanced reading. And her fulfillment on study is the best reward for me---it verifies me that I can change something with my own efforts. While at the same time, I even could not tell who the "benefactor" was and who the "beneficiary". Most I could provide her are of material levels. In return, however, she passes me the most precious things---her persistence to dream, diligence, and fighting against fate. To a great extent, she is richer than me, and I'm the one who has benefited most.

Perhaps I've still not achieved my goal of accomplishing "big things," but I realized that I could start with "little things" which others disdain to do. If nobody else takes the seemingly minor aspects of society to heart, then I would. It now becomes my tenet that "big things" and "little things" take different paths to the same goal, and that little changes can sometimes contribute more to "a better world". I'll prove it to the world. I WILL.
ExplodingDonuts 1 / 11  
Nov 13, 2010   #2
Added stuff is in red
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"Soon after school began, I was captivated by the MUN because of its slogan, "We at MUN get together for a better world." It sounded just right! Besides, the images of wearing a fitted suit, throwing myself into intense discussions with magical words like "UK affirms intention of cooperating" and greeting my classmates with "Hi, Norway!" or responding "Not bad, Dominica! See you around!" in the hallways were fascinating."

"The MUN in China employs neither academic analysis nor critical thinking, and is far from its more formal and organized counterpart in western countries."

Is it fair to generalize to all of China? I know my school's MUN only stretches to a specific region of Florida so try not to generalize to all of China but this may be just a tiny bit nit-picky

" BHSF Charity Club" - What does BHSF stand for? I think explaining or taking it out may be better

"No playground in the thirty-square-meter small yard; no drainage systems in washrooms; no extra classes except for math and Chinese; no advanced equipments, really, in spite of desks, chairs and a blackboard; no teachers with college diplomas. "

I just put semi colons because they help differentiate from your commas more so it is clearer.

"What I could hardly imagine about a school was exactly all the children obtained."
This is really weird, you may want to find a better word than "obtained." Also, are you referring to that specific school or all schools in general?

"While hardware beyond acceptance, to my surprise, children seemed satisfied."
I think you also need a better word than "hardware" because that makes no sense...

"The big smiles on their faces hurt my eyes with their brightness."

"Should I regard them as abject, or yielding with no aspiration, when what they got were all we were willingly to offer?"
Uhh, this confuses me. I read this as, "Should I regard them as hopeless when they got all we were willing to offer?"

While migrants from the countryside are pushing for the development of cities, their children have no access to reasonable educational opportunities because of our neglect, or apathy, or stinginess. It was We that should be blamed for this .

Last sentence I made into a more active voice. The first sentence you were missing articles...I think it's a Chinese thing because my mom does that a lot too

"With the great shock I had experienced, I dedicated myself to the charity club. Suddenly, taking credit for solving the financial crisis or shaking hands with Mahmoud Abbas and Benjamin Netanyahu seemed less important to me than just gathering donated books for Wenhua School."

"What we are most concerned with is not how much the press praises us for our successfully holding "Run with me" in Bird Nest, but how we can use the money we raise and attention we get to help the children in Wenhua school get the equipment and care they need."

This is more passive voice, try a more active voice structure.
"We are not concerned with how much the press praises us for our successful "Run with me" event in the Bird Nest, but how we can use the money and attention we raise to help the children in Wenhua school get the equipment and care they need"

"While at the same time, I even could not tell who thewas the "benefactor" was and who the "beneficiary". "

"The most I could provide her are ofwere on material levels. In return, however, she passespassed me the most precious things---her persistence to dream, diligence, and the spirit to fight against fate. "

For your last sentence with the dream and diligence, those are all nouns so the third thing must also be a noun instead of a verb.

"Perhaps I've still not achieved my goal of accomplishing "big things," but I realized that I could start with "little things" which others disdain to do."

The word "disdain" strikes me as a bit too extreme/offensive and may portray you as a little arrogant because I am sure others definitely don't disdain to do volunteering. Try to chose a better word or reword the sentence.

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Okay, overall I really like your essay :)
And don't worry about negative things, I talked about a negative thing on one of my essays before too. In fact, quitting the MUN actually sounds like a positive thing for you because you've found another path to something better! Just work on your grammar a little to make your message clearer
OP Ada King 1 / 1  
Nov 13, 2010   #3
Okay, overall I really like your essay :)
And don't worry about negative things, I talked about a negative thing on one of my essays before too. In fact, quitting the MUN actually sounds like a positive thing for you because you've found another path to something better! Just work on your grammar a little to make your message clearer

Thanks a million! You are so careful!!!
And, well, what i mean about the "negative thing" is the criticism on MUN in China... Actually it IS true. It's the contemporary state in China overall... but you are right, maybe i should narrow down to, say, MUN in Beijing, something like that.

Thanks again...when i'm writing i can hardly remind myself of grammar rules:P Your revises are really helpful ^^


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