"Mr. Bingley was only a fish" - Yale Supplement-any topic

Prompt: You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, the Short Answer, and the Personal Essay. While we leave the topic of your second essay entirely up to you, try telling us something about yourself that you believe we cannot learn elsewhere in your application. Please limit yourself to fewer than 500 words.

Let me preface this by saying no animals were harmed (at least, not intentionally) in the unfolding of this story.
At 9:47 pm, March 9, 2009, Mr. Bingley was found dead. In the hour after his death, the world stopped for a few moments to honor this small creature. Well, maybe not the whole world, but my world at least.

Mr. Bingley was my iridescent blue pet beta fish. He sat on my desk, left of my laptop, for the few months prior, since about Christmas or the New Year. He was a good fish...as good as a pet fish could be. Still, I never cared much for Mr. Bingley. He had been purchased in a moment of whimsy and excitement, selected only for his beauty from among the hundred others on the shelf. I pushed the limit on changing his tank, waiting a week and a half instead of the recommended three days. When I did change it, I was far from gentle, scooping him up with my oily hand and yelling "Geronimooo!!!" with the proper, gradual decrescendo when pouring him back into his freshly cleaned tank. I needed to compensate: if I could not take good care of him while he was alive, the least I could do was show him some respect after he was dead. So at 10:14 that night, I set Mr. Bingley afloat on the lake behind my house. His resting place was a small floating catacomb, hurriedly constructed from cardboard and stationery; the vigil, marked and ennobled by candlelight. After setting him afloat, I sat on my dock, silently watching him go, my flashlight acting as a spotlight to guide him on his way. For a while he just floated. And then he was gone.

Yes, in reality Mr. Bingley was only a fish. But to me, Mr. Bingley is something greater. He taught me life does not consist solely of productivity or competition; sometimes life is just art, beauty. He reminded me to be humble in nature and reverent to everyone, to be faithful in the simple and the small. Most importantly, Mr. Bingley reminded me that in my life there is more than me and that I don't live for only myself.

Comments and critiques are gladly welcomed!!

My teacher actually warned my class about this list of cliched topics, and I'm sorry to say that the death of a pet was on it.

I like how you preface your essay, and your writing style seems truly genuine and shows real character to me. But if at all possible, perhaps try to tackle a topic that would appear a little more significant to an admissions officer than a fish's death? [no disrespect to Mr. Bingley, of course!]

Thank you for reading this! It's funny, actually, because my teacher told me kind of the opposite, that it was kind of original because it was taking significance from a seemingly insignificant incident, but I totally see what you're saying. Knowing that someone else has already labeled it as cliche means it's been done before (obviously), so what your teacher is saying clearly has merit. I'll try to think of something to change it to. Thank you again for your comment!

Regardless of your topic, you'll be fine. You did end up putting a nice quirky spin on Mr. Bingley's farewell, so another topic idea is just something to think about!


Perhaps word this a little differently? Along the lines of "He had been sitting on my desk to the left of my laptop since about Christmas, only a few months before."

Haha Mr. Bingley after Pride and Prejudice's Mr. Bingley? I think it's cute and you should continue with this essay... it's not cliched because it's not the typical my dog died essay. However, I think you need to add more about how he relates to you (you do at the end, but i think you need more interwoven things)

Thank you both sooo much for your comments! It helps a bunch! I agree with the change of the sentence about sitting on my desk being awkward. I struggled to write that in the first place. About the ending, I was thinking about tying it into my career in medicine? But I sort of already did that in my common app essay so I thought I would steer clear of that. Perhaps I'll just relate it more to caring about people in every day life? Thanks again to both of you!!

Ok, so I didn't change anything in the original essay but I tacked this on at the end to make it more pertinent to yale/ my goals for life. I'm wondering if it connects/ makes sense/ is applicable or if I should just leave it as is...

"I have been told, like millions of other youth in America, that I have potential, that I have a wealth of opportunity before me simply because of the country and class into which I was born. I plan on seizing these opportunities, most wealthy as they will be, when I attend Yale. I cannot, however, forget that I am not there merely for the enhancement of self. I am better myself, arming myself with knowledge and understanding, so that I will be able to help others with a lesser vantage than my own, people who can't help themselves. People like a Mr. Bingley."

greetings! i'm returning the favor...

first off, I must say I respond really strongly to your writing style and aesthetic. :)

if you tacked that portion onto the end. I feel there would be a slight ripple in the fluidity of your piece. Personally I don't care for the placement of the first sentence of your addition. Perhaps a reword will solve that problem :)...

[[I am bettering myself, arming myself with knowledge and understanding, so that I will be able to help others with a lesser vantage than my own, people who can't help themselves. People like a Mr. Bingley."]]

Suggestion:
"Yes, in reality Mr. Bingley was only a fish. But to me, Mr. Bingley is something greater. He taught me life does not consist solely of productivity or competition; sometimes life is just art, beauty."

if you utilized more tactile and concrete language for describing your dear Mr. Bingley (i love the pride and prejudice reference btw :]) then I feel this sentence gains more merit.

--edit--
i prefer this to your alternative choice... but it's a personal preference because I don't really feel comfortable evaluating someone else's devotion to their respective belief :)

so i do like the "secular" quality of this piece.

Thank you so much! That helps a great deal.

Your writing is so exciting. Especially, the introduce make me have a deep impression. Your essay is rich of emotion. So you could believe that you will become a excellent writer in the future.

Have a good time!

haha thank you everyone for all of your comments! This is the new ending I've come up with...Really I just added a connecting sentence to the beginning but let me know if you think it works...

Mr. Bingley can not go to college on account of his being dead and a fish. I, on the other hand, can. And, like millions of other youth in America, I have been told that I have potential, that I have a wealth of opportunity before me simply because of the country and class into which I was born. I plan on seizing these opportunities, most wealthy as they will be, when I attend Yale. I cannot, however, forget that I will not be there merely for the enhancement of self. I am better myself, arming myself with knowledge and understanding, so that I will be able to help others with a lesser vantage than my own, people who can't help themselves. People like a Mr. Bingley.

Mr. Bingley can not go to college on account of his being dead and a fish. I found a lot of comic relief in that sentence, thumbs up :) I, on the other hand, can. And, like millions of other youth in America, I have been told that I have potential, that I have a wealth of opportunity before me simply because of the country and class into which I was born. I plan on seizing these opportunities, [[most wealthy as they will be]]awk. - i would nix it, i don't think it's vital. if you had to fix it try... [most welathy as they come] it still sounds a bit weird... , when I attend Yale. I cannot, however, forget that I will not be there merely for the enhancement of self. I am bettering myself, arming myself with knowledge and understanding, so that I will be able to help others with a lesser vantage than my own, people who can't help themselves. People like a Mr. Bingley.

Thank you soooo much!! I think I'm going to make that change and then send it in! :D

WAIT!

before you do!

read your piece out loud. it's a strategy i find to be super effective. despite passing through the scrutinizing eyes of this online forum. there are mistakes that manage to sneak by! by reading out loud you employ more senses to truly tweak it to how you want it.

hahaha thank you, I will do that :)

I think you have to work more on the conclusion. I liked the introduction that held me as there was something intriguing but still hazy. I want my essay to be similar.

hahhaahahhahah! Brilliant. This is one of my favorites.


me too...