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"biochem as an answer to a better quality of life" - uc personal statement


frazzled4you 1 / 3  
Nov 29, 2010   #1
With a growing population, we see the emergence of new deadly bacteria and viruses. Within the last five years, there was an H1N1 virus pandemic which closed down schools all over North America and other countries. Cancer, Aids, Ebola virus, and many others continue to haunt the human population while researchers labor away in hopes of finding the cure. I was in complete awe at how such a small organism ,hidden to the naked eye, could bring so much chaos. With my desire to further advance the quality of life, not just in the U.S, but also in developing countries and my aspiration to make these microscopic killers subservient to human technology, I declare my major as Biochemistry.

I worked in a gift shop at a hospital for quite a while. These customers, who came in and out at different times, formed a range of emotions one can't feel in a given time. During the summer, three sisters walked in. They all wore matching clothes with their hair pinned up, looking like triplets. They came in frequently, so I asked what brought them here so often. The oldest girl asked the other two to wander off while she spoke quietly towards me. Her mother had stage three breast cancer. By this stage, the cancer spreads to nearby organs, rendering surgery ineffective. All of the efforts to improve her condition being in vain, it seemed as if they were waiting, slowly. Soon afterwards, they stopped coming in and I had already figured out why.

My friend was driving back from work one night when a truck collided into the side of his car. He was transported to the nearest hospital by ambulance. Within a few hours, calls were made and we all went to go see him. The doctor said he had done all he could to save our friend. He was telling the family and us there were no more options left, the nothing-left-to-do response. Hearing those words were as bad, or maybe even worse, than pronouncing him dead. A part of him, so little and miniscule, even the doctor couldn't start a fire with that small of a spark. So many emotions unknown to me were flooding in. I felt hopeless and useless. I couldn't do anything for him as he lied there watching us watching him. I know how she felt when she was also given the same answer. I realized that not only I have felt this way.

These first-hand experiences shows me how complex the body is. Like how a puzzle looks incomplete if it is missing even just one piece. I strive to be a useful being for the community. Looking ahead for a world with answers and bettering the quality of life for people in all parts of the world.

English isn't my native language so i have really bad grammar mistakes here and there. my friend read my essay and this is my essay so far for the first prompt.
Cloud_Tek9 - / 17  
Nov 29, 2010   #2
With my desire to further advance the quality of life,not just in the U.S, but also in developing countries and my aspiration to make these microscopic killers subservient to human technology, I declare my major as Biochemistry. -This sentence should be more strong. You want to make it active like: I declare my major as biochemistry because I aspire to improve the quality of life in our world through discovering better alternatives to treatment of disease and human health." Something like that would be good because your next two paragraphs touch on the experience of these microscopic killers bringing pain to people.

My friend was driving back from work one night when a truck collided into the side of his car. He was transported to the nearest hospital by ambulance. Within a few hours, calls were made and we all went to go see him. The doctor said he had done all he could to save our friend. He was telling the family and us there were no more options left, the nothing-left-to-do response. Hearing those words were worse than him being pronounced dead. (A part of him, so little and miniscule, even the doctor couldn't start a fire with that small of a spark. This makes no sense ). My emotions began to flood my senses. I felt hopeless and useless. I couldn't do anything for him as he lied there watching us watching him dying. I know how she felt when she was also given the same answer. I realized that not only I have felt this way I wasn't the only one who felt this way. -I am only highlighting this because if you won't take my advice with the alterations to the concluding sentence of your first paragraph, then this entire paragraph that has nothing to do with "microscopic killers" and so will totally be useless.

Ultimately, you have something good here and it has been written well. Good Luck :)
OP frazzled4you 1 / 3  
Nov 29, 2010   #3
Thank you ^^ i have made some corrections!
I can see more places of improvement now that i've stopped looking at it and came back at it today!


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