hi i really need some help Revising this essay. i have go some good comments on it but i think it still needs some work so any comments will help thank you.
the promote is-Imagine you have graduated from Temple University. You are preparing to attend your 10-year reunion, and the alumni office has asked you to write a one-page essay about your personal and professional accomplishments since graduation. What would yours say? OR Please tell us more about yourself. Relate one or more experiences or circumstances that have contributed to your personal and/or academic development. If you have been out of school for a year or longer, please discuss your activities during that period of time.
Its marvelous to come back and see all my fellow classmates and professors; attending Temple University was a great accomplishment and honor in my life. Temple taught me that by working hard, I can achieve my goals. When I graduated from Temple University in the year of 2015, I have earned a bachelor's degree in biochemistry, and in 2017 I received my Masters Degree in oral biology.
I still work hard to achieve my goal of receiving my D.M.D in dentistry. While studying hard I work at a notable dentist clinic in Pennsylvania, where I receive training to run my own clinic. My goal in life is to open a pediatric dentist clinic where I can treat children of all ages, whether of high or low income. Although I am working hard to achieve my ambition in dentistry, I have also strived in helping my community in many ways.
When I graduated from high school in 2011, I promised myself I would do my best to help others. During my time in high school, I noticed many of my peers struggled their classes. As a result, I pledged to make every effort possible to tutor high school students during college. During my time at Temple, I honored my pledge and enjoy tutoring undergraduates. At the same time, I have been also coaching a recreational soccer team in my community for all ages. Ever since I was little, soccer has always been my passion. After playing for 16 years, I knew that I wanted to incorporate soccer into my life as an adult somehow. Although I was certain that it would not be professionally, I knew that I could teach the beautiful sport to kids of both non-experienced and experienced backgrounds. I believe that it is important to have both a healthy mind and body and teaching kids that can leave a lasting affect on them. For inspiring me, I give many thanks to the Temple soccer coach who has encouraged me to keep alive my passion for the sport.
It was always my dream to attend temple ever since I have heard about the remarkable campus and amazing teaching staff. Being a graduate from this university is a enormous honor and accomplishment. Attending Temple University was an experience I will never forget.
Its marvelous to come back and see all my fellow classmates and professors; attending Temple University was a great accomplishment and honor in my life. Temple taught me that by working hard, I can achieve my goals. When I graduated from Temple University in the year of 2015, I have earned a bachelor's degree in biochemistry, and in 2017 I received my Masters Degree in oral biology.
I still workhard to achieve my goal of receiving my D.M.D in dentistry. While studying hard I work at a notable dentist clinic in Pennsylvania, where I receive training to run my own clinic. My goal in life is to open a pediatric dentist clinic where I can treat children of all ages, whether of high or low income. Although I am working hard to achieve my ambition in dentistry, I have also strived in helping my community in many ways.
* simply "earned" so that the tenses agree
*"I still work" is a little awkward, maybe "I am still working"
* repetition of "hard" takes away from the pace of the essay
* This part seems grammatically incorrect "I also strive to help" ?
* Overall this paragraph seems a little cookie cutter to me... All you're really telling the reader is that you're interested in dentistry, and although that's important, I want to know what makes you unique. You start to talk about that when you mention your goal of opening a pediatric clinic. What motivated you to want to work with kids as opposed to adults?
When I graduated from high school in 2011, I promised myself I would do my best to help others. During my time in high school, I noticed many of my peers struggled their classes. As a result, I pledged to make every effort possible to tutor high school students during college. During my time at Temple, I honored my pledge and enjoy tutoring undergraduates . At the same time, I have been also coaching a recreational soccer team in my community for all ages. Ever since I was little, soccer has always been my passion. After playing for 16 years, I knew that I wanted to incorporate soccer into my life as an adult somehow . Although I was certain that it would not be professionally , I knew that I could teach the beautiful sport to kids of both non-experienced and experienced backgrounds . I believe that it is important to have both a healthy mind and body and teaching kids that can leave a lasting affect on them. For inspiring me, I give many thanks to the Temple soccer coach who has encouraged me to keep alive my passion for the sport.
* this part is weird tense-wise
* don't need the "somehow"
* this part is very passive... maybe "I would not play professionally" ?
* this could be said more succinctly
*The last sentence seems almost a little presumptuous on your part, unless of course, you've already had contact with the coach (I know that the topic asks for your point of view from 14 years in the future, but it still seems a little irrelevant)
It was always my dream to attend temple ever since I have heard about the remarkable campus and amazing teaching staff. Being a graduate from this university is a enormous honor and accomplishment. Attending Temple University was an experience I will never forget.
* This last paragraph does try to bring the essay together, but it doesn't really tell me anything about you as a person or student.
Overall, I wish you had added more personal anecdotes. I was really excited to know why you want to work with kids, but I never got to find out. What got you interested in dentistry in the first place? Is there a particular teacher you want to work with at Temple?
Also, the transition between the first part and second part of the essay seems abrupt. It's almost as if you combined two separate essays into one. Think about how you've balanced your two passions in high school and what made you so sure of your path.
Over all, this is a good base for an essay, but needs more spice and details to make you stand out. Show the reader why you are passionate about these topics!
Best of luck in your admissions!
