'bioengineering research' - College Sup. Essay: Duke Pratt school of Engineering

Hi. Would you please proofread this essay and comment on it briefly? Itwould be great help thx!

2011: 24. The following questions are required for engineering and transfer applicants. Please limit your response to one to three paragraphs. You may use the additional page provided at the end of this form. We encourage you to take advantage of this additional opportunity to let us know about your intellectual and personal interests. Please limit each answer as indicated.

a. (For Engineering Applicants Only) If you are applying to the Pratt School of Engineering, please discuss why you want to study engineering and why you would like to study at Duke.

To me, bioengineering is more a fate that an interest. It is not to say that it became my unavoidable duty to study this subject but to assume the position of conquering genetic disease that passed down along my family lineage. Unfortunately, my grandfather succumbed to diabetes. My aunt contracted it and dad now suffers "gastric adenocarcinoma" or gastric cancer. For the past years, effortlessly I have tried to dislike the very thought of the possible cause of the hereditary disease because I was simply scared to walk the same path as the precedents had done. My anxiety accumulated further when a close friend of my mother, who was a fervent athlete and vegetarian in some sense, contracted same cancer. This case was indeed hereditary, since her all other family members suffered same fate. I could not help but acknowledge the possibility that one day I might be diagnosed with this malicious, insidious devil lurking in my pancreas or stomach. And then, I asked, "Now what?" I believed that there was nothing to be done except dying of non-hereditary illness to disprove the fact that I could get genetic disease. But a few days later, a cooperative effort with biomedical engineering researchers shed hope of light upon me, inculcating me the firm determination that I would perhaps end this jinx.

The research conducted at the university laboratory illustrated and studied the process through which virus modifies the portion of DNA and inflicts considerable amount of damage to pancreas. These modified DNA segments often pass down the generation. For numberless nights, I had to acquire information much needed to understand this mechanism. Sometimes, I would encounter many enjoyable facts; Beta cells that were responsible for the secretion of Insulin can be proliferated outside body; shRNA(small hairpin RNA) is used to control the excess of secretion of Insulin by Beta Cells. However, still, these facts did not satisfy me enough to invalidate the theory that diabetes or gastric cancer can be passed down upon me. Motivated by this diabetes-phobia, I, somewhat both immature and passionate, sought the way to stop or re-change the modification of RNA or DNA. Although the result was futile, a belief deeply ingrained into my thought that in the near future, I will be able to drive out this demonic figure out of my DNA. Where would I able to achieve my desire?

Engineers turn ideas (technical, scientific, mathematical) into reality. This is the basic assumption that I have about engineering studies, and this is why I need Duke. I know it because I lived in Chapel Hill for almost two years, which is part of the Triangle. I participated in the Duke Young Writer's camp two times. The unfortunate event was that I and my dad had to return to home country because his contract with Duke University expired. Duke is well known for its openness and interdisciplinary studies. Duke opens all kinds of seminars inviting scholars from all over the world. One seminar is not limited to one subject but expands itself into several other academic areas. I apply because in that way, I am able to make another crusade on microscopic, mortal enemy.

Thank You~

Hello Chan!

I won't correct your grammatical errors. I'll just talk about what your essay made me think.


I found this sentence quite confusing. The rest of the paragraph does clear this confusion, but it would be better if you simplify it in the first place.


I found this quite interesting. I would be better though, if you can cite the work you are referring to. Where did you read it?


I don't think these are very good sentences for a concluding paragraph. The second sentence almost seemed meaningless to me. Moreover, technology is a part of science, and mathematics is a tool used for simplifying its abstract concepts. So I don't think you can class them together.

I think your essay can become a great one, as it has a lot of specific information. Read it again and again, and try to close the loopholes.

Good luck!

Even though I hate Bio, I feel sort of manly after reading your application...

ershad193 has pointed out many of your mistakes, think along the line and give some specific evidence of what you have pointed out in your essay.

Some said that this essay wasn't quite attractive as much as I thought it should have been and some thought opposite way. I wasn't really sure whether I should submit this essay. But I think that I can turn this into good one if I try hard and refine it.

ThankS for pointing out. I'll try to fix it as best as I can

: )

CHan