Biographical essay: the dissolved Soviet Union to the modern America

To provide you with a sense of what this is application if for...it is a program aimed at low-income, high-acheiving students with the ultimate goal being admission to one of the US's most selective colleges w/ a full scholarship

We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations, and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit)

The Soviet Union, as one may learn in a History class, was a very bleak place for most of its inhabitants, to say the least. It was in a land far away far away from the West. It was a land where displaying opinions that diverged from what was announced as correct often resulted in a ticket to Siberia. It was a land where, in the words of most textbooks, consumer goods were very rare. It was a land where people, such as those in my family, died from starvation. The Soviet Union is my land and its depressing failings are woven into my being. I feel that in order to explain who I am today, I must start with the life out of which I gained life-my cultural and historical background has and continues to shape me and offer personal lessons from which to grow.

The sharper the contrasts between the Soviet policies and my values, the more intense are my convictions and passions. For instance, the Soviet Union stressed, possibly above all, conformity to the group. One of my most cherished qualities is nonconformity. While the Soviet Union has long been dissolved, conformity is still an insidious trap manifested in a person's desire to be accepted by society, and thus kowtow to its norms. I treasure the uniqueness of every individual and believe that my unconventionality is my greatest quality. As earnestly as the Soviet Union sought to eliminate individuality, so do I seek to illuminate all that makes me different and encourage others to appreciate their own distinct attributes rather than succumb to the pressures of "the crowd."

This is, however, not a promotion of arrogance or self-centeredness because in admiration of qualities that distinguish an individual, we also encounter his or her less charming quirks. While I am proud of things like my passion for psychology that led me to enroll in Dual Enrollment classes at a local college and earn "A's" in those courses or my whimsical, yet diligent, effort to teach myself piano, I also realize that I have a habit of correcting others' grammar when it is unsolicited and that I tend to sound very sarcastic or cynical when I have not rested sufficiently. Luckily, due to this reflection, I am more self-aware and able to modify my behavior with others in mind.

Similarly, my rather rocky transition from Ukraine, a country that, as many others have, has separated from Russia with the dissolution of the Soviet Union, to the United States is also a source for musing and a perpetual influence on my development. In 1995, my father left for New York, my mother followed him in 1996, and I was able to see both of my parents once more in 1996, when I finally arrived in the United States.

When I asked my grandmother about my parents, she told me that I could not see them because they had not yet purchased a couch while the real reason was that the immigration services in the United States were refusing to believe that I was my father's child. The reason I find this exchange interesting is that it is a fundamental principle of developmental psychology that is usually taken for granted-namely, there are some things that children are not ready to understand. I find this fascinating because it denotes the amazing progress of the human mind from the blank slate of infancy to the capacity of abstract thought attained when an individual reaches the formal operational stage and beyond. Still, while this observation can be made from a near endless source of examples, I find this one to be particularly special because it reminds me of the fragility of the human psyche-the entire, beautiful development of the mind can take a disastrous turn as a result of stressful experiences. While this was not a traumatic occurrence, it does inspire me to help those who do suffer from mental illness, especially in immigrants that are typically overlooked.

Since I entered an English school system when I was five, I had the opportunity to gain a native mastery of the language. My parents, however, have struggled in acquiring the foreign tongue. While this has been a great obstacle to their success in the workforce, they continue to persevere and, in doing so, motivate me to pursue my goals with the same unflagging determination. I understand that I have opportunities far beyond those that were available to my parents and attempt to exploit them in my quest to achieve my goals. Knowing that my father was unable to attend a higher-level university because of his Jewish heritage and religion instills in me a greater desire to matriculate and succeed in a university that challenges me intellectually and provides opportunities to explore my various interests. 802 words. =|

hi, i just picked up parts of obvious mistakes in your first paragraph.

e.g. The Soviet Union, as one may be learned in a History class,

It was in a land far away far away from the West. (not necessary)

consumer goods were very rare

maybe it should be " goods for consuming were very rare."

Um...I do not believe that is grammatically correct...no offense...but, I am not an expert, so let's see what others say...


Oh, that was a typo, I didn't write that on purpose. Thank you for pointing it out!


Erm, I'll have to disagree with you again, "consumer goods" is a proper phrase and I do, in fact, remember reading that phrase in multiple textbooks, articles, etc. Also, "goods for consuming" sounds a bit odd, again, no offense (just trying to voice my opinion and generate a discussion)...I think it is best to stick with the conventional phrase than create a new, lengthier one...

You should feel free to argue against any of my contentions. Thank you for reading my essay and offering suggestions! =)

I just noticed "in" should not be there, too.

...this brings the word count just barely under the limit. Awesome. Now about that conclusion...

This sentence is incredibly long. Try working it into two sentences? To me it seems like a run-on.

I tried separating them above, although the first sentence is sort of awkward and could use reworking. Good luck!

Haha, yeah, it is pretty long. Thanks!

Hmm, the first sentence does sound rather awkward...I think getting rid of either "dual enrollment" or "at a local college" would help since dual enrollment means taking classes in college while still in high school, thus making the second phrase redundant. I was just afraid that someone reading this wouldn't know what it was, but, I think they will. I also never really liked the phrase "things like," I just put it there for lack of something better.

I am proud of things like my passion for psychology that led me to enroll in Dual Enrollment classes at a local collegeandwhere I earned "A's" and my whimsical, yet diligent, effort to teach myself piano.

Better?

The Soviet Union is my land, and its depressing failings are woven into my being. I feel that in order to explain who I am today I must start with the life out of which I gained life-my cultural and historical background has and that continues to shape me.

Sorry for cutting out so much of it!! I almost lef tthis part, but... nope! and offer personal lessons from which to grow. too much!!

Somebody whose name I can't remember said, "Whoever does not miss the old Soviet Union has no heart. Whoever wants it back has no brain."

At the end of this, you trail off a little with a kind of weak last sentence. It is written in an excellent way just like the rest of the essay, and it feels nice to read, but I hope you'll revise to go out with a bang. Or at least some unexpected observation.

This is very good!!I can't imagine a more impressive essay, but who knows if the admissions reader thinks like I do...

Typo, last date should be 1997


No worries, I think now I might actually be able to write a conclusion (which, to be honest, I did not do). So thanks! =)


Hahaha that is hilarious...it is familiar, though, I think I've heard before


Yep. I basically have two problems: 1) I write too much and 2) I don't write conclusions. I'm not sure where the first thing came in (I'm just going to go ahead and blame Poe =D just kidding). The second thing, though, was from European history (long story), basically, I'm completely out of habit with writing conclusions, so put together, I forget to write conclusions, find I am running out of room, and make a futile attempt to finish up.

Okay, so, deleting what you marked and adding

The Soviet Union broke apart and in its wake left behind a broken land and a broken people. Thus, it bestowed a generous gift on its former inhabitants-a scalding drive to strive for a better world.

in a new para makes this 811 words (what do you call a # that is the same backwards and forwards, by the way?) I think some deletions in the last para should suffice but I am terrible at hacking away at my own writing...help, anyone? =)

Also, for the conclusion above, I wasn't sure if I should elaborate or if it is okay on its own. Also checking if it fits in with the essay & is not random observation?


Thank you very much!! I really hope they do...I have no idea how else I'll be able to go to an out-of-state university...only 5% of applicants, roughly, have been accepted for this in past years, though...not a very encouraging number...oh, well, que sera, sera, no?

I don't think I can add much, but let me try.


Ah, we all know where Soviet Union was. You are such a good writer that I don't think you need to rely on this type of sentence for the "effect".


This is cool! I mean, really cool!


Again, we know.

Great essay!

I seriously laughed when I read that XD


Aw, thanks! I had no idea...really oO No need to enhance the effect? I guess that means I should scrap my plan to cover my application in glitter! haha that would be pretty interesting, I wonder how fast the AOs would throw it away XD


Yay!


Haha I think that came out of a reflex I developed after hearing "What is Ukraine?" throughout my life...not kidding...some people really don't know, it is a fairly obscure country. The AOs would definitely know, though, thanks!

Gasp! Deleting the obvious brings the word count down to 784! I'm legit! Thanks everyone, you guys rock!!

Thank you, Ershad!! =)

yep, yep...dunno about others, but I think so ;)


Yeah, at least I do. I can't speak for Kevin. In his own words, he is something more than a computer program but less than a robot. ;)

i would definitely no say in your essay that you have a habit of correcting other's grammar when you yourself is having some trouble it sounds auspicious

sorry to be critical

Um, the only mistakes people pointed out with my writing in this thread were typos and sentences that are too long, which is a stylistic choice...so there isn't really a problem with my grammar. I'm not saying I'm infallible--I definitely make mistakes (everyone does), but I don't think I have such a big problem (especially one evidenced by this essay) that the idea that I might actually recognize errors in others' speech sounds ludicrous...and I really do correct others (though I am trying not to so often, and I think I've gotten better)...one of my best friends, for instance, continues to say "brang" no matter how many times I plead with her to use "brought." I realize its annoyingly pedantic, but I think an AO might appreciate a person who can admit his/her shortcomings...especially one as relatively small as being annoying.

I don't mind criticism, I would just like the criticism to be, first of all, correct, so I try to explain myself. If you still disagree, I encourage you to attempt to enlighten me. Sorry if I was too critical with your criticism. (oO) Thanks for going through my essay =)

"he is something more than a computer program but less than a robot."
I don't see why that means he can't rock =)

Conclusions are the most fun for people who write well. After writing a solid essay, you have earned the right to preach or rant a little.


What trouble! What does this even mean?

Also, I think the word for a word or number that is the same backwards & forwards is palindrome. Like... 2112 or something.

Cool, I didn't know you could do that! The only instruction I received on conclusions was FCAT-based in 9th grade...nada in 10th and 11th so since I don't really value the FCAT (sorry to any fans out there) I had a negative opinion of conclusions. But this is pretty interesting, I think I'll have some fun writing terrible conclusions and eventually getting it.


I think that is supposed to be "suspicious." Hey, I spelled "suppose" correctly! Finally! ^^ Anyway, Ryan appears to be saying that if I can't write a coherent essay, I most likely also lack the knowledge necessary to correct others' grammar. He seems to reach this conclusion based on the writing in my essay and wishes to warn me of saying something that sounds hard to believe, and thus embarrassing myself. I still can't spell "embarrass." Back to the point again, while I appreciate Ryan's concern, I feel that I must disagree with his idea.

Oh, and if you wanted a complete translation:
i would definitely no say in your essay that you have a habit of correcting other's grammar when you yourself is having some trouble it sounds auspicious

In your essay, I definitely would not say that you have a habit of correcting others' grammar when you yourself are having trouble with it...it sounds suspicious.

Everyone has trouble with grammar to some degree, I don't see why that means we should inflict ultra-humility upon ourselves and refuse to admit we have any knowledge whatsoever...


Oh, I thought that was only for words! XD No wonder I was confused...thank you!!

Hey, quick disclaimer, that thing about being allowed to rant a little in the conclusion is just something I thought of, and I don't know if it has any real merit in the minds of people who will judge your various essays.

For people to really have some perspective about what is good and bad about essays, they should look back to the 16th century when Michel de Montaigne wrote his essays and became sort of like the "founder" of this method of communication... and of course it goes back much further than him, but by looking at his work and the work of other historical essayists it becomes clear that there really are no rules. Essays and poetry come from the same place in the mind.

But with academic essays, I had the insight that in cases where educators demand careful focus and no digression, the conclusion is the place where you have the most flexibility to speculate, etc.

In academic essays, careful focus is often demanded, and that is fine, but at the end of the day it is also good to remember that one of the distinguishing characteristics of the essay is that it sometimes wanders from one subject to another, sort of meandering.

:-)

Haha yes, I realized that. Thank you for taking the time to clarify, though =) I was exaggerating a bit for humorous effect (though probably mostly only for me). I foresaw this misunderstanding, yet naively hoped I was wrong. I wish that word had two "i's" Words always look so cool with a bunch of dots. Like Fiji. That is so cool! All those dots!! (Yes, I am amused by dots)


On my list already, but your comments have been noted and greatly appreciated =)


I love that word. There are some words that are just awesome. Like "indubitably." Sentence fragments are fun to write, sometimes. Meandering kind of makes me think of a very large rabbit kind of bopping about a forest in an adorable, though physically impossible, manner. Irrelevant sentences are, too.

Profound... I think that is because you are destined to learn Ericksonian hypnosis as part of your healing (psych, I mean) practice. You use those dots to throw yourself into a trance.


yep, and "ambiance." That is another good one. You know, ambiance. A big white truck with medics that come to help you if you get hurt.

That is just. Awesome. Awesome, I tell you.

Hmmm, maybe that was an irresponsible joke, because some people here are still trying to learn English.
So...this is correct:

1. Ambiance means the atmosphere somewhere. I was just kidding about it being a truck.

2. An AMBULANCE is a big white truck that comes to get you if you are hurt or sick.

I was just making a joke that was not funny... :-)