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biology intended major-UC transfer app


kingkung 3 / 6  
Nov 16, 2011   #1
My interest in the field of biology didn't start off with a great field trip during middle school or even a single science teacher all throughout my school years. Instead, it inadvertently came from sports, from volleyball to basketball and to every imaginable sport out there. Playing since I was little and even now coaching in my community, it has given me a way to unconsciously see how far a body can be pushed until it eventually breaks. Throughout all my years playing, I've seen teammates go down with injuries after injuries and end up struggling with their recovery. It would take a long time for them to recover and by then, the season would be over. However, it's not just sports injuries that I've seen. Many people that I know have been injured due to a variety of reasons. With a degree in biology, I hope to enter graduate school for physical therapy to help others recover from their injuries to live a better overall life.

Truthfully, biology was never on the top of my list of intended majors during college. Though science, especially biology, has always been an interest of mine, I was still never quite sure if that was a path that I wanted to follow in my life. However, during the summer of 2010, I began to volunteer at St. Francis Hospital. This allowed me to interact with other people and I eventually got a chance to volunteer in their sports medicine department, which gave me a chance to do something that I realized that I loved. The department treated not just sports injuries, but also everyday problems, such as knee, ankle and wrist. To see people have the ability to slowly overcome their injuries gave me a path that I could choose to do with my life. It wasn't that the people healed and quickly went on with their lives that helped me decide, but the determination that the people had in trying to overcome limitations put on them. During college, I became an active member in the Kinesiology Student Association to learn more about physical therapy and they have allowed me to further my interest in both physical therapy and biology. It gave me a chance to volunteer with others in the field and learn that it wasn't just about healing others, but to help them continue to live their lives fully without regret. With my interest in science and sports rehab combined with a degree in biology, I could become a physical therapist to help other people recover from injuries, whether from sports or just everyday life.
qrhaggerty94 1 / 4  
Nov 16, 2011   #2
Hey! Okay here are my thoughts:

-Put a comma after the word instead in the second sentence.
-Put a comma after the word however "However throughout all this,"
-No comma here. "injuries, and end up struggling with their recovery."

You do have really great thoughts, and you definitely answer the prompt, but I don't think that the structure of your essay is that great.

I think you should have a strong intro and conclusion. It seems to be mostly all body and only a beginning/ending sentence.

Other than that, you're golden. Good luck!

-If you have nothing to do, mind looking at mine? :)


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