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biology and the medical field, Why did you choose this major for Brown


leslery 3 / 8  
Dec 24, 2009   #1
I hope that this essay explains why I want to go into biology

I feel drawn to biology and the medical field because of the many difficulties that my family has faced. My father almost died from a burst appendix that did not receive treatment in time. My mother was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and although she does not currently display the symptoms of the disease, her health has suffered because of this illness. I am really proud that my parents have overcome their illnesses, to nurture and support me throughout my childhood. I hope that a future in the medical field will allow me to care for them as they transition into older age. I know that there will be many times when they will need to go to the hospital to get check-ups and eventually they will get sick. I hope that with a background in human biology, I will be able to understand medical jargon and give them some advice when considering treatment options. Therefore, I hope to have a future in the medical field at Brown University. (941/1000)

Comments are appreciated!

aikd80cn 4 / 18  
Dec 25, 2009   #2
medical field will allow me to care for them as they transition into older age

"take care of them" , perhaps?

I know that there will be many times when they will need to go to the hospital to get check-ups and eventually they will get sick

this sentence is kind of a turn-off to the atmosphere you created, try soething catchy

I feel drawn to biology and the medical field because of the many difficulties that my family has faced

you need a stronger introductory sentence. this is just the "i like biology because this and this ad this" although your reasons are quite strong.

I think its a good essay, and you dont have much words to write either, but maybe u could involve one more aspect to why you would liek to study biology. I mean, its brown so this essay can make a difference.

so try considering rewriting these sentences:

I know that there will be many times when they will need to go to the hospital to get check-ups and eventually they will get sick. I hope that with a background in human biology, I will be able to understand medical jargon and give them some advice when considering treatment options. Therefore, I hope to have a future in the medical field at Brown University. (941/1000)

but still, just a suggestion ;)
good luck! i hope you get in!
jelly 5 / 11  
Dec 25, 2009   #3
I think you should say more about yourself.
Ur parents' disease are just a motivation.
U should show us how u work to chase your dream.
OP leslery 3 / 8  
Dec 25, 2009   #4
Thanks for the advice!

I'll try to add in more about myself and make it more "catchy"
Jd87rh 11 / 55  
Dec 26, 2009   #5
It is hard to imagine that a microbe smaller than a snowflake could hurt anyone, yet my parents have suffered frombecause these dangerous organisms. My father almost died from a burst appendix that did not receive treatment in time and my mother was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. I am proud that my parents have overcome their illnesses to nurture me throughout my childhood. I hope that a future in the medical field will allow me to take care forof them as they transition into old age. As their bodies degenerate << maybe you can use... a more personal word, it just sounds... a little cruel, they will be more susceptible to chronic infections. I hope that with a background in human biology, I will be able to understand the complex medical jargon and give them some advice for treatment. I have been focused on biology throughout high school by succeeding in rigorous classes and pursuing an internship that focuses on chemically modifying antibiotics. Therefore, I hope to soon be able to dissect these microbes and understand how to stop them from harming the ones I love.

It's a good short answer! you did a great job!
rjctcollege1 2 / 10  
Dec 26, 2009   #6
you don't really explain how brown would enable you to do this. I mean..you could submit this essay to any school really and it would still work. You don't want that. You want it specifically for brown. How is brown different from other schools that will help you pursue this major?
Jd87rh 11 / 55  
Dec 26, 2009   #7
TRUE!

I forgot about that part. lol

you need to example how brown will enable you to accomplish this goal.
Jd87rh 11 / 55  
Dec 30, 2009   #8
Try to add a few sentences about how brown will help you achieve this. made my working closely with your professors, or interning or taking part in one of it's many programs or such.


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