"The biology program in the College of Arts and Sciences" - my Cornell essay

Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.

I remember when I was nine years old my mother told me that I had a twin brother. Instantly, I was shocked and thrilled and started to ask her many questions. While I was talking I came to realize that my mother did not say a word. When I finally looked up at her, I saw how red and puffy her eyes were. She closed her eyes and within seconds tears started to fall down her cheeks. Instinctively, I wiped away her sorrow and wondered what I could have possibly asked to make her feel gloomy. When she finally told me that my twin brother had passed away years ago, a feeling of emptiness overwhelmed me. This incident made me want to become a doctor one day to save the people around me lives and not have anyone experience the pain in losing the loved one my family and I did.

Thus the college that I would like to attend at Cornell is the College of Arts and Sciences. The reason why is because the school offer the major that I would like to pursue which is biology. Hopefully as an undergraduate at your school I would love to join the Biology Scholars program because the study group sessions it offers will help me personally to excel in my academics. One of the things I will be able to benefit from while being in the program is being able to interpret more of the science literature. Thus the reading of Science will become less confusing to me and more like a second language. Also since your program is available to only twenty students, if I tend to be one them I'll be able to learn more by being able to ask for help more sufficiently.

As a future college bound student, Cornell will allow me to open up my horizons and experience new things in meeting people that reflects true diversity. With its wide research facilities I will have no problem in learning newly found surgeries, cures and diseases in order to help aid me to become a successful medical student. Cornell University is the school that best suit my learning styles and can help me to fulfill my interests. I simply believe Biology is where my heart is and Cornell is the beat that makes it alive.

I really like the way you start this answer with a story, it grabs the reader's attention and gives a solid background for why you want to study medicine. When you start to describe why Cornell's biology program is appealing to you, try to give a few more specifics about the program because sentences like "The biology program in the College of Arts and Sciences offers courses that can help to further my knowledge in medicine and working in the medical field" are generic and could apply to many schools!

Also, try to avoid starting sentences with "simply" because it's a little awkward to read...so instead of "Simply I believe" it would be "I simply believe." These are just my opinions though, good luck! :)

This edit flows a lot smoother, but I think I'd just take out the sentences "Thus the college that I would like to attend at Cornell is the College of Arts and Sciences. The reason why is because the school offer the major that I would like to pursue which is biology," because it doesn't keep up with the passion of the rest of the answer. You could try going from the first paragraph to the third paragraph and then connect the second paragraph after that:

"As a future college bound student, Cornell will allow me to open up my horizons and experience new things in meeting people that reflects true diversity. With its wide range of research facilities I will have no problem in learning newly found surgeries, cures and diseases in order to help aid me to become a successful medical student. HopefullyA s an undergraduate at your school I would love to join the Biology Scholars program because the study group sessions it offers will help me personally to excel in my academics. One of the things I will be able to benefit from while being in the program is being able to interpret more of the science literature. Thus the reading of Science will become less confusing to me and more like a second language. Also since your program is available to only twenty students, if I tend to be one them I'll be able to learn more by being able to ask for help more sufficiently."

Then wrap up at the end with "Cornell University is the school that best suit my learning styles and can help me to fulfill my interests. I simply believe Biology is where my heart is and Cornell is the beat that makes it alive."

Hope those suggestions help :)

yes and thank you so much:)