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Biology and the single child in my Chinese Family; The world I come from


tt6746690 1 / -  
Oct 30, 2013   #1
Hello,
I need some advice for this essay. Thank you in advance.

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I was born a single child, as almost every one of my peers under the One-child policy. My mom is one of many typical Chinese parents who put extensive attention to the wellbeing of their children and yet, unlike others, does not interfere with what I want to do in the future. My father is a man of vigilance and intellect, who, during years of exposure in the society, conformed to the status quo but fostered a strong sense of criticism toward which he disregards- with good reasons which I often found to be biased. Desire to be different and nonconforming, I learnt to question various things, including the naive dream I once had- to be an architect just because the blueprint of a construction is complex at first sight. As a result, I became reluctant to speak out my passion because nothing and everything seem to be equally interesting and boring at the same time, and because there is always a gap between dream and reality: what I aspire and what I have to do to survive in the society does not necessarily match up perfectly. Nonetheless, reluctance to speak out doesn't mean there isn't any. Deep inside, as I later found out, I am fond of the pure elegance and precision that science, particularly biology, has revealed and awed by the devotion of scientists in general. The desire to contribute to the realm of human knowledge is always in me.

Looking back, my motivation probably started as I lived my life to the fullest in junior high school. I can still remember the time when, after waking up with nausea from sleep deprivation, I left for school under the flickering street lights while reciting silently the Literary Chinese verse I had tried to memorize the last day. The next thing I realized, after eight prolonged classes and an intense weekly test, was that the sun had gone down, which gave the city sky a darker but, strangely, a more tranquil shade. I knew I would sit for another three hours before finishing all the homework and, if luck was with me, the one challenging physics question written hastily on a scratch paper that my favorite teacher, Mrs. Liang, had entrusted to those who sought a bit of excitement in the tightly fixed routine. As much as I regretted the time spent staring at the questions while imagining the abstract in my head, I was deeply engrossed in those "scratch paper questions" as soon as I got my hand on one, sometimes fighting my way into the latter half of the night with the intuition that there must be a way. I was conscious of that, in times of great pressure and burden when physically and mentally drained but fueled by just a drop of passion, solving an exceptionally difficult problem brings about contentment that is able to lighten up even the gloomiest perceptions.

My real motivation for biology was gradually manifested during the days when Mr. Henkleman, my biology teacher, lectured passionately while digressing to topics he deemed interesting. It is in his class that I got to appreciate the complexity of biochemistry at molecular level involved in maintaining homeostasis and the miraculous development of an embryo to a fully matured human body with differentiated functions. It is also in his class that I recognized Barry Marshall's courageous attempt to prove his unorthodox theory by infecting himself with H.pylori, a type of bacteria proven to be the cause of stomach ulcers. His class opened a door for me, so I took a peek inside, spending a good part of countless nights reading the Campbell textbook. More often than not, I repeatedly tried to share the marvelous discoveries and possible implications of them with my family, who were at first impressed but soon lost patience and focused instead on deciding what to eat for dinner. Nonetheless, I felt good.

All those times I have been asking myself what I am able to accomplish were I had a chance to research into nature's magnificence. Though never perfectly transparent, the answer becomes clearer as I get older. As I want to know more, I aspire to unveil the hidden truth, to expand the known knowledge, and, inevitably, to push society forward one way or the other.
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
May 18, 2015   #2
I have made some suggestions. I looked at each sentence and paragraph to see what changes needed to be made. Hopefully, you will be able to make these changes. Sometimes you are adding too much information in one sentence. Simplifying your sentences sometimes could prove to be beneficial. Here are some suggestions:

1st paragraph: Don't capitalize one, when you describe the one child policy. There should be a space between well and being. What status quo did your father conform to? You should begin this next sentence with, "I had a desire..." Learnt should be changed to learned. I think there is an overuse of the dash. You can simply revise the sentence about your dream to be an architect. I feel you should choose a word do you want it to be nothing or everything. It seems merely as if you were searching for your true passion in life. You felt like you lived in a society where you needed to survive, and that deterred you in pursuing what you desired to become. Is that correct? This sentence needs to be clear to the reader.

2nd paragraph: I think you should make literary lowercase when referring to the Chinese verse you recited. This sentence that discusses your favorite teacher contains too much information. You need to explain this, because it should describe what happened with the one challenging question. Form two sentences, so you will avoid having a run-on or very long sentence. When you were fighting through the night, did you really want to solve those questions? If you did, you should end the sentence describing how you wanted to solve the questions you were given.

3rd paragraph: When you discuss your biology teacher, you should start a new paragraph. Use a transition word to begin your paragraph.
- Ex: "However, my real motivation..."

- Change your tense in the next sentence from: It is, to "It was in his class that I was able to..."

- Change the next part of the sentence to: "... the molecular level, which involved..."

- Continue to change your tense from is to was, because you are speaking in the past.

You did good writing these last few sentences. Good Job!

4th paragraph: I am having difficulty understanding the first sentence of your concluding paragraph. Please explain. I think you should make one small revision with your last sentence. I feel as if you are trying to state, "...expand my knowledge..."


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