I was wondering if i could get some input on my essay. I have been struggling to write it, and finally got something written, but I am not sure is even relevant to the prompt.
the prompt is:
"In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship, or a call to service. "
Essay:
Seven years ago, I moved from a small suburb of Chicago, IL to Naples, FL. This move, at the time, caused me much grief. I was moving away from all my relatives and all the friends I had been going to school with since pre-school. When I got to Naples I had a hard time making new friends, it was like moving to another planet. Everyone had different interests and personalities than those of my Chicago friends. No one thought the things we liked were cool. They all had accounts on a website called Neopets, where they had little digital pets, I had never even heard of Neopets. The fact that I was overweight didn't help much either, but after awhile I was able to adapt and find my own little niche. I was able to grow as a person and gain many friends. One of the biggest contributions was my joining band. It was like being in a big family. In fact the majority of my friends I met in band. Everyone tends to stick together and help each other. I also intend to join band at UF. The other place I made a lot of friends in was my AP classes and JROTC classes. I learned responsibility and many leadership qualities in JROTC, and met a lot of smart kids in my AP courses that have been in the same classes as me since my first AP in my freshman year. One of my favorite things about my AP friends was that they never pestered me for answers. In honors integrated science class it was impossible to go through a class without the constant irritation of those around me asking what the answers for the homework were or similar questions. If you were to try and teach them how to find the answers they would have no part in it, they were just interested in being lazy burdens to those who actually cared enough to learn the material. Once I got in AP biology I was never asked for homework answers, but instead they would ask if I could help them study, which I was happy to do. I am sure that the students at UF are like the students I was friends with in the AP classes, and that I will easily develop good relationships with them. I also look forward to becoming part of the tight-knit band community present at UF.
I was moving away from all my relatives and all themy friends I had been going to school with since pre-school.
When I got to Naples I had a hard time making new friends; it was like moving to another planet. Everyone had different interests and personalities than those of my Chicago friends. No one thought the things we liked were cool.
^Try and not to use the word 'cool'. Perhaps, 'entertaining'?
They all had accounts on a website called Neopets, where they had little digital pets, I had never even heard of Neopets.
^'They'. For a second, I thought you were talking about your Chicago friends. make the reference more clear.
The fact that I was overweight didn'tdid not help much either, but after awhile I was able to adapt and find my own little niche. I was able to grow as a person and gainmake many friends. One of the biggest contributions was my joining band. It was like being in a big family. In fact the majority of my friends I met from the band. Everyone tends to stick together and help each other. I also intend to join band at UF. The other place I made a lot of friends in was my AP classes and JROTC classes.
I learned responsibility and many leadership qualities in JROTC, and met a lot of smart kids in my AP courses that have been in the same classes as me since my first AP in my freshman year.
^What to you is responsiblity, or leadership? Perhaps, you should give an example to prove that you learned these qualities. Then, you have proved it, and we can also see what you mean by these terms.
Also, how are these kids 'smart'. That is quite belittling to the other people in your school firstly. Secondly, what makes these kids 'smart'. Their academic grades, or their conceptual knowledge, or both?
If you were to try and teach them how to find the answers they would have no part in it, they were just interested in being lazy burdens to those who actually cared enough to learn the material.
^Do not use 'you'
Once I got in AP biology I was never asked for homework answers, but instead they would ask if I could help them study, which I was happy to do.
^Who is they.
I am sure that the students at UF are like the students I was friends with in the AP classes, and that I will easily develop good relationships with them. I also look forward to becoming part of the tight-knit band community present at UF.
^Are you sure that the students will be the same? You had problems developing friendships in the past. You make it sound, as if you are certain, that this will not be the case at UF.
Ok. The essay question asked you to describe a 'meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life'
^Quite frankly, I do not know which one you answered.
Was your meaninful accomplishment making friends?
Or was the meaningful experience part of being in the band/ AP Science class (I suggest you focus on one)
You talk about too many different things, therefore, you are not answering the prompt. This reflects poorly
Choose one meaningful thing to you, develop and analyze it, and evaluate it to tell readers how this meaningful thing will 'affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community'
It's okay that you include AP Biology, band, and JROTC, because they all were part of the same process of finding your niche. Mentioning all three helps to establish you as a well-rounded student, which is what admissions officers want to see. You just need to tighten up the organization of the essay, so that it is clear that those three things are all examples of the same process of finding your niche, a process you hope to repeat at the university.
ok, I will rework my organization so that that is more clear, thanks a bunch
