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Biomechanical engineering, Uni of Texas Austin transfer/Statement of Purpose

jellyroll1987 2 / 3  
Aug 19, 2010   #1
Statement of Purpose

This is what I have so far, any help is greatly appreciated.

When I was eighteen my father tried to convince me that I did not have a future as an artist. He argued that it was not because of a lack of talent or ambition, but rather because I would not be able to support myself as an artist no matter how talented I was. I thought of my father as a pessimist and decided to pursue my dreams regardless. After supporting myself as an artist for two and a half years I reluctantly took my father's advice on attending college, attaining a degree, and beginning a career. When I began my courses at the local community college in San Antonio I did so with the intention of completing a liberal arts degree so that I may improve my standard of living and get back to my passion for art later in life. I did not realize it at the time, but by attending classes at San Antonio College I was going to discover a field of study that encompasses my artistic abilities, sparks my curiosity for knowledge, and fulfills my desire to help others.

It had been years since I had taken a science or mathematics class and when I began the required biology course for my degree plan I assumed that it would be mundane and painful. Much to my surprise, I found myself spending more time studying for biology than I did for any other class. I began researching topics on my own, listening to talks online, and reading anything having to do with science. My curiosity spilled over to other disciplines such as technology, physics, and mathematics. I was pulled so strongly by my desire to acquire more knowledge that by the end of that semester I decided to pursue a degree in the applied sciences, particularly in mechanical engineering.

Over the course of my studies, my curiosity for mathematics and science has continued to grow. In fact, the more courses I take towards my degree the more I realize that four years of formal study in mathematics, physics, and engineering won't be enough to satisfy my inquisitive nature. Therefore, I have decided to extend my education to graduate school. Even though there are many possible paths of study for graduate school, I have settled on biomechanical engineering. I won't be able to begin my study of biomechanical engineering until I complete my bachelor's in mechanical engineering, but I can't help but look forward to my graduate studies. Biomechanical engineering has every aspect of a career that I find valuable: it requires creativity, curiosity, knowledge, and helps improve the quality of life of others. I look forward to understanding how medical devices and instruments of today function so that I may generate those of tomorrow.

Clearly there are several universities that provide for a bachelor's in mechanical engineering, yet the University of Texas in Austin has appealed to me the most. The qualities of the University of Texas in Austin that I find most valuable are the resources available to the students, the challenging curriculum, and of course the experienced professors. My ultimate goal is to continue my undergraduate studies at the University of Texas in Austin so that I may establish a solid foundation on which to continue my studies in graduate school. Although I have learned a great deal from the instructors at San Antonio College, I look forward to continuing my bachelor's degree at a university that has the resources to match my curiosity.

ershad193 14 / 337 5  
Aug 20, 2010   #2
so my mother moved my siblings and I -- Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the word should be "me". I think, in this type of sentence, where there is a conjunction, the personal pronoun takes the accusative form.

I hadn't made a connection and settled for the fact -- A comma seems necessary, just before the conjunction.

I had no vehicle, but managed to get around the city.

This sentence is not necessary. This is better explained in the second paragraph.

they warned me that it would be challenging and expressed that they were confident I would change my major. My confidence was lowered further

Here the two ideas seem to be in contrast. Did they encourage you? If they did, then why would your confidence fall?
I see that the placement exam lowered your confidence, but why was it low in the first place when your parents had encouraged you?

Thus far, my calculus and physics courses have been the highlight of my college experience. I am anxious to continue my studies and take classes covering subjects such as thermodynamics, mechatronics, and materials engineering. I recall one of my professors explaining that given the right tools, one can solve any problem. I am excited to acquire all the techniques and knowledge necessary to apply to real-world issues.

I thought this paragraph was totally irrelevant to this essay.

As an altruist, I can't help but pursue a career in which I will apply my knowledge to improve the quality of life of others.

This is a weak sentence. You shouldn't say you're an altruist. Make the readers conclude themselves. The rest of the sentence is stuff that anyone else can say.

I have to say you write well. However, this essay doesn't address the prompt completely. You didn't say a lot about biomechanical engineering. You should also be specific about your career goals. Biomechanical engineering is a large field; can you say something specific you want to do in this field? If you have done the research, you'll know what to write.

Good luck!! We have the same field of interest :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,339 129  
Aug 21, 2010   #3
Once my parents divorced, following my father from city to city became arbitrary

Good use of arbitrary! That must have been a difficult time...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the word should be "me".

Yep, you are right! We are often told to say "XXX and I" instead of "Me and XXXX..." but that is only at the beginning of a sentence. When "XXX and you" are the object of the sentence instead of the subject, you need to use "me."

This may not be your style, but it is what I would do. Add a sentence right after "something inside me finally changed." Add a thesis statement to the end of that first paragraph. It'll still be powerful when they read that sentence about something inside you changing -- a very good sentence -- but then they will get hit with the thesis statement that tells the main idea for the whole essay. It is like the core of the essay, anchoring it down.

The thesis statement can be "all business" if you want. It can sort of abruptly say something about how the sequence of events that followed sent you in the direction of mechanical engineering, and now you envision yourself XXXXXXXXX (succinctly state your purpose).

OP jellyroll1987 2 / 3  
Sep 22, 2010   #4
I have been really swamped with work and the application process in general, thank you so much for your earlier posts, sorry I could not reply sooner.

I have revamped my statement of purpose to focus more on the direction I plan to take in mechanical engineering. I appreciate any advice, the deadline is really soon :(

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