Here is a draft of my fresmen UC essay. Please critique it as much as you can.
The Prompt
Describe the world you come from ï for example, your family, community or school ï and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations
I come from a large family that has had more than its fair share of hardships to overcome. In 1997 my younger sister was born with severe cerebral palsy because she didn't get enough oxygen when she was born. Then in 2006 I was diagnosed with a rare type of children's cancer called Rhabdomyosarcoma. About three years later my family was struck by cancer again when my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I also have another grandma who just had knee surgery and two cousins that were born with cystic fibrosis. Having so many family members who have had health problems, as well as experiencing my own issues has greatly affected me and my aspirations. Seeing my family members struggle firsthand has made me want to do something about it. This is why I want to become a biomedical engineer.
If I were a biomedical engineer I would be in a position to help other people who are in situations similar to the ones that my family has faced. Luckily, my family has overcome the hardships it has faced, but this wouldn't have happened without the help of various medical professionals. I would like to become one of these medical professionals, specifically a biomedical engineer, so that I can improve the field of radiology, study genetics, and make prosthetics. On top of this I would also be able to research new ways to diagnose and combat diseases, like cancer. These are just some of the ways that I would be able to help others who have had health problems, like the ones my family has had. My experience with cancer and other health issues has made me even more passionate about becoming a biomedical engineer.
My dream of becoming a biomedical engineer is the direct result of the hardships my family has faced. My family has overcome the challenges we have faced with the help of skilled medical technicians. I would like to be one of these medical technicians so that I too could help others overcome their difficulties. I want to apply my skills in science and math to the field of biomedical engineering so that I can help other people. I want to give back to society and help other families overcome their challenges so that they can spend more time together. I feel the way I can give back to society the best is by becoming a biomedical engineer.
Thanks in advance for you help
The list of health problems is not extremely necessary.. Just to say you were faced with a lot of sickness and death in your early years would be enough, as well as mentioning your battle with cancer as a young boy. You also say "like cancer" but it would be made a stronger point to say "like my cancer". Also, your point is strong without the last sentence, I feel like its addition creates an extreme redundancy in the second paragraph. Overall, really strong!
I am applying to CU Boulder and I have one more essay to write. The prompt is:
The University of Colorado Boulder's Flagship 2030 strategic plan promotes exceptional teaching, research, scholarship, creative works, and service distinguishing us as a premier university. We strive to foster a diverse and inclusive community for all that engages each member in opportunities for academic excellence, leadership, and a deeper understanding of the world in which we live.
Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive community, and what are your hopes for your college experience?
(500 words)
Do you think my essay here responds to the prompt, its one of my UC essays so I was hoping to just reuse it instead of writing a whole new essay. Do you think I could tweak it to apply to their prompt?
Here is my essay:
I live in the relatively small town of Livermore, California; but I come from a large family. Throughout my life I have seen many members of that family struggle with health issues: my cousins who have cystic fibrosis, my grandmother who had stage 3 breast cancer, and my sister who has severe cerebral palsy. Having so many family members who have had health problems, as well as experiencing my own battle with cancer has greatly affected me and my lifelong aspirations. Witnessing my family's health problems firsthand has made me want to do something to help others in similar situations. This is why I want to become a biomedical engineer.
If I were a biomedical engineer I would be in a position to help other people who are in situations similar to the ones that my family has faced. Luckily, my family has overcome the hardships it has faced, but this wouldn't have happened without the help of various medical professionals. I would like to become one of these medical professionals, specifically a biomedical engineer, so that I can improve the field of radiology, study genetics, and make prosthetics. On top of this I would also be able to research new ways to diagnose and combat diseases, specifically childhood cancers. These are just some of the ways that I would be able to help others who have health problems. My experience with cancer and other health issues has made me even more passionate about my goal of becoming a biomedical engineer.
My dream is the direct result of the hardships my family and I have faced. My family has overcome the challenges it has faced with the help of skilled medical technicians. I would like to be one of these medical technicians so that I too could help others overcome their difficulties. I wish to apply my skills in science and math to the field of biomedical engineering so that I can make a difference. I want to give back to society and help other families overcome the health obstacles that stand in their way.
Thanks in advance for any help
Throughout my life I have seen many members of this family struggle with health issues: my cousins who have cystic fibrosis, my grandmother who had stage 3 breast cancer, and my sister who has severe cerebral palsy.
Having so many family members who have had health problems, as well as experiencing my own battle with cancer, has greatly affected me and my lifelong aspirations.
If I were a biomedical engineer, I would be in a position to help other people who are in situations similar to the ones that my family has faced.
Luckily, my family has overcome the hardships it has faced, but this wouldn't have happened without the help of various medical professionals.---How do you overcome cystic fibrosis? Cerebral Palsy? Maybe you should say something more like '...learned to cope..'?
On top of this, I would also be able to research new ways to diagnose and combat diseases, specifically childhood cancers.
Your essay is great. Good luck with school!
:)
the second one better, in my opinion
