The spark of my dream was ignited by my best friend, Andrew. Since birth, Andrew has lost thirty percent of his hearing. When he was in middle school, his parents took him to the most prestigious hospital in my state to cure his hearing disability. Unfortunately, after a series of tests, the doctor informed them that there are no surgeries or treatments that could restore his hearing. The only solution was to wear a bulky, ugly hearing aid. As the only student in my school wearing a hearing aid, Andrew was viewed either as a senile hospital patient who must be treated with extra care and pity or as a freak who deserved nothing but isolation and hurtful mockeries. Andrew wished only to be viewed as the confident and self-assured person he truly is. He returned the hearing aid and hoped life could return back to normal. Being his best friend, I fully understood his feelings and pains. Because of his moderate hearing loss, Andrew had to put in more time and effort than others to achieve his 3.98 GPA. In addition, his inability to hear subdued voices often resulted in several awkward situations, which in turn made him taciturn and confident. Nevertheless, I don't think Andrew has reached his full potential. Indeed, his success was only limited by his hearing impairment. Had his efforts not been hampered by this disability, his achievements would have been even more outstanding.
I often wonder how many people are like Andrew, unable to reach their full potential because they're embarrassed to wear a hearing aid. If the nearsighted can undergo Lasik Laser eye surgery to restore their vision then why can't hearing loss be cured as well? On the same token, if the nearsighted are able to wear contact lenses in order to hide their disability, then surely the hearing impaired should have hearing aids that are equally unnoticeable. There's a great need for an effective treatment for permanent hearing loss and microscopic hearing aids. Through my best friend, I recognize the weight of my mission, and I consider attending Johns Hopkins University to be the first step toward this dream.
With either a biology major or a biomedical engineering major, I have the capability of lessening the burdens of the hearing impaired. As a biologist, I will take advantage of Johns Hopkins' world class research facilities by further developing the hair cell regeneration research-an experiment aimed to revive damaged hair cells. As a biomedical engineer, I shall explore alongside of world-renowned, yet unpretentious facilities to design and produce affordable micro-hearing aids.
Hopkins' emphasis on biology and biomedical engineering, its incessant focus on extensive research, and its wide variety of majors have compelled me to call it my alma mater. I'm ready to be a Blue Jay, and I am cognizant that attending Hopkins will make me successful in accomplishing my dream.
Wow. some cheating here >_> I don't want to re-edit all of it. but that ending. I'm shocked. You're ready to sell your body to a college. quite fearless indeed. I like this one's ending better. but it looks to much like a brochure...same with that other one..tsk tskl
I think it's very well done. Although I had trouble reading because it was single spaced :P
I'm applying to John's Hopkins too! Although I doubt the admissions board will even bother to look at my application.
I wish you talked less about Andrew and talked about what steps you took to help him, how you shared his pains together, how you stood up for him, etc etc. It could be a more powerful essay if you were involved in the first paragraph instead of just talking about Andrew, ya know? Just my two cents.
As for grammar, I can't help you as I don't speak English very well. Looks neat though.
Good luck!
I suggest you re-write your introductory sentence in the active voice: "My best friend Andrew ignited my dream" I also happen to think "the spark of my dream" is a bit redundant.
The reason I used passive voice is that I wanted to focus more on the ignition of my dream than Andrew. That's why "my dream" is the subject.
I think you could do very well by simplifying the stuff about Andrew. Don't make him such a big theme. Tell the reader you became interested in biomedical engineering at an unusually young age because you happened to be exposed to this situation with Andrew, but then dive into explaining to the reader what super-modern advances you are excited about, what articles you have been reading, and so forth. Nevermine world-renowned, yet unpretentious facilities... instead, tell them about how you'll make specific use of their unique resources as you pursue your interests. Get specific.
:-)
I shortened my second paragraph and here it is:
I must thank my best friend Andrew for igniting my dream. Since birth, Andrew has lost thirty percent of his hearing. The only solution was to wear a bulky, ugly hearing aid. As the only student in my school wearing a hearing aid, Andrew was viewed as a senile hospital patient who must be treated with extra care. Andrew wished only to be viewed as the confident and self-assured person he truly is, so he returned the hearing aid. Because of his moderate hearing loss, Andrew had to put in more time and effort than others to achieve perfect grades. Indeed, his success was only limited by his hearing impairment. Had his efforts not been hampered by this disability, his achievements would have been even more outstanding.
Is this shorten enough? Or too short?
I'm sorry I don't have to time to give more detailed comments, but I would suggest that you vary your sentence length in the second paragraph you just posted? Perhaps try reading it aloud and combine a few sentences.
