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"Biomedical engineering" - the creation, the improvement and the end" - OSU Essay


koolaid3219 2 / 5  
Nov 17, 2010   #1
The prompt was to tell about talents, interests or abilities otherwise not expressed in the application. Also tell why I would be academically successful at OSU.

I'm really not sure how I feel about what I've written yet, I know it needs work but I don't know where to begin.

A television cannot be turned on, an internet cannot be browsed and a newspaper cannot be read without viewing the popular topic of life; the creation, the improvement and the end. Every day new ideas are introduced in order to prolong the end, and in doing so, the quality of life of many is raised significantly. However, if a pharmaceutical is developed to stop an illness, there will always be an uncountable amount to cure. If a man regains his ability to walk with the aid of prosthesis, there will always be more who still have to struggle with day to day life. Seeing stories of people getting a second chance at life and knowing so many more will not is what drove me to desiring a career in biomedical engineering.

With this desire I bring a skill set that could benefit many if applied to biomedical engineering. I have had a lifelong passion for writing music and drawing which have helped me develop a creative mind; I am always looking for ways of improvement. Four years of band and fifteen years of baseball have allowed me to develop the ability to work as a team. I was also a captain of my high school team which has helped me find my personal leadership style which is necessary to succeed in engineering.

It is these factors, combined with the satisfaction of helping others that would allow me to be successful studying biomedical engineering at Ohio State University.
glaserjf 3 / 14  
Nov 17, 2010   #2
The opening sentence is a bit confusing. "the creation, the improvement and the end." I like the next sentence. You may want to shorten up the first paragraph and add more to your second paragraph about your other interests. Just some thoughts Nice writing style :)
OP koolaid3219 2 / 5  
Nov 17, 2010   #3
Now that I look at it I am confused slightly even. Thanks for the advice and the compliment!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 26, 2010   #4
A television cannot be turned on, an the I nternet cannot be browsed, and a newspaper cannot be read without viewing the popular topic of life -- the creation, the improvement and the end. ----I don't understand this part..."the creation, the improvement and the end" What do you mean?

Every day new ideas are introduced in order to prolong the end (what do you mean by "end?" Is it the best word to use here?

Too much "which" right here:
I was also a captain of my high school team which has helped me find my personal leadership style which is necessary to succeed in engineering.

You can do this:
I was also a captain of my high school team, which has helped me find my personal leadership style -- and leadership is necessary for success in engineering. (I used a dash.)
OP koolaid3219 2 / 5  
Nov 29, 2010   #5
I took "the creation, the improvement and the end" part out.

By end I ment the end of life, would "death" or "the end of life" make more sense?

I appreciate the advice on the amount of which's too, I like the dash sentence a lot better.


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