Hey there everyone. could you help critique my rough draft for me?
Prompt:
Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this supplement, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)
Essay:
She brushed her hair away from her face, kicked with all her might, and wiped the droplets off her eyes. Yet, her lack of forearms did not discourage her. Over the summer, while working as a Water Safety Instructor, I came across an eight year old girl, Ashley, who faces a daily struggle. This girl had signed up and wanted to learn how to swim. I was to teach her.
I was trained to teach kids how to make "ice cream scoops" with their hands and how to float like "starfishes"; I was not taught how to instruct these techniques to a child who had no arms. Although at times I struggled and was frustrated with myself for not knowing how to adjust, I watched her quickly acclimatize to the water and I realized that my frustration should be no more than hers. I quickly cast off my aggravation. I watched her adaptability to the water and despite her handicaps, she amazed me. I was curious as to how she was able to cope with everyday tasks that I would find impossible to do without my hands.
Through my exploration of the various fields of science, I have found biology to be the most intriguing. However, in order to broaden my affinity for science I am taking AP Physics and AP Environmental Science independently. The merging of these sciences stimulates my curiosity of how we can take this knowledge to better the lives of those in need. Although I have always been interested in pursuing a career in science, I have been unsure of what field to follow. However, after working with Ashley, I realized my compassion for helping people who have disabilities adjust and succeed in what they pursue has never been stronger. Biomedical engineering incorporates the various fields of science in order to aide other people. I believe that, if I could help just one child past their challenges, no matter what the cost, it will have been worthwhile. As a biomedical engineer at Johns Hopkins University, I would be able to research and design prosthetics and machines that would placate the pain. The interdisciplinary nature of biomedical engineering has further enhanced my curiosity in the fields of medicine.
The story is poignant and well told, but the transition to what you want to study is jerky. I got thrown off by physics and environmental science. It feels almost as if the halves of two different essays have been mashed together. Work on the transition. Otherwise, the essay is strong.
