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Biomedical, Health & Society, and Bio informatics alternatives - admission essay


sugars225 1 / 3  
Feb 19, 2010   #1
The prompt for the essay is:

If you are not accepted into your major of choice (Biomedical, Health & Society, and Bioinformatics) within the BHSc program, which other major within the BHSC would you chose or would you choose an alternative program/faculty at the UofC? Provide reasons why?

the essay can only be 250 words max

Hockey superstar Wayne Gretsky said "You miss 100% of the shots you never take." Unlike those who sit on the sidelines of life, I least I gave it my best shot. I need to push forward from this setback and keep aiming high. If I do not get accepted into the Bachelor of Health Science: Health and Society does not make me a failure. Focusing on my plan "B" would be my main focus because there is more than one way to get to my goal. My plan "B" is to get into the University of Calgary's Bachelor of Science: Environmental Science program. At home, when my brothers or parent carelessly rip a large piece of tissue paper to clear a small mess, throws a recyclable can into the garbage they know they better start hiding. My lecture to them starts from why they should try to change their bad habitats to talking about all the environmental problems we are having today due to waste. By the time I am done with my lecture they get the point but for me I feel like it my job to make sure the recyclable gets to the recycle bin and the tissue paper is replaced with washable towel. Even though I am still in the process of reforming my family I want to be the catalyst that will push forward the environmental movement of Canada and someday the entire world. The environmental science program focuses on understanding environmental issues that is facing society today. Knowing this, I am confident I will thrive academically and socially in the environmental program.

Can someone help me edit it and is it good enough? and how can I make it better
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Feb 19, 2010   #2
Hockey superstar Wayne Gretsky said "You miss 100% of the shots you never take." Unlike those who sit on the sidelines of life, I least I gave it my best shot.

good quote but i'm not sure you incorporate it that well. if you are referring to applying to those majors, then it still doesn't make sense. :/ those who sit on sidelines will, yes, miss out, but as your first sentence, you jump off of the quote too fast. transition between these two sentences.

If I do not getNot getting accepted into the Bachelor of Health Science: Health and Society does not make me a failure.

Focusing on my plan "B" would be my main focus because there is more than one way to get to my goal. My plan "B" is to get into the University of Calgary's Bachelor of Science: Environmental Science program.

You state your alternative here, quite a bit into your essay. good thing? bad thing? you choose. why not instead of saying that Enviro Sci is plan B, say that this is another major you would also enjoy pursuing. it sounds more personal, and less inflated ideologically. another thing, you could just use UCBS instead of writing it out

At home, when my brothers or parent carelessly rip a large piece of tissue paper to clear a small mess, throws a recyclable can into the garbage they know they better start hiding.

maybe consider this as paragraph two's intro? I'm somewhat confused why you use so many words here to talk about a personal experience that could be shortened a bit: With my family, I have always been an aware proponent of recycling. <while this decreases word count, I know it takes away from your voice. just something to consider.

My lecture to them starts from why they should try to change their bad habitats to talking about all the environmental problems we are having today due to waste.

again, here you continue with the personal. Maybe here you could adjust it to one simple belief you have about the environment: that people need to change the 'bad' habits* (unless you really meant living space) :] and that this is necessary because of the high amount of environ problems due to waste.

By the time I am done with my lecture they get the point but for me I feel like it my job to make sure the recyclable gets to the recycle bin and the tissue paper is replaced with washable towel.

a bit overcooked.
remember, your commas, need them sometimes to guide a reader along.

Even though I am still in the process of reforming my family I want to be the catalyst that will push forward the environmental movement of Canada and someday the entire world.

Ahhh. I see now. this is your drive/ your dream so to speak. you could, if you wanted, place this earlier, or say this in a more concise manner. i like how you place it last though, it stands out as is.

The environmental science program focuses on understanding environmental issues that is facing society today. Knowing this, I am confident I will thrive academically and socially in the environmental program.

last part, an important part. here you go back to the BHSC question, which is a good thing. maybe, in light of other changes you could make, you can beef up this last part to sound stronger. again, if you leave this as a one paragraph essay, you need strong transitions from the home economics experience. possible edit: In light of my experiences, I know that the BHSC environmental science program will help me focus my understanding of current environmental issues. Then your concluding sentence: I am confident I will thrive academically and socially <why socially?> in such a program.

comments: you have good ideas here, and with the info you have up there, it could stand as is. however, it may need some work on why the program at BHSC specifically attracts you, if it does at all. again, try answering the prompt more directly, and strengthen your choice with maybe one more point. good luck~
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 20, 2010   #3
If you are not accepted into your major of choice (Biomedical, Health & Society, and Bioinformatics) within the BHSc program, which other major within the BHSC would you chose or would you choose an alternative program/faculty at the UofC

It seems arrogant of them to assume you would not go to a different school to study health science.

I guess I would be most impressed if you were determined to enter the field you have chosen. So, you would have to write that you would choose a different program that could get you to the same place in life. Maybe you ca make this better by describing what you want to be doing 5 years from now and telling them about a plan B that would still set you up to enter the career you have in mind. What is the career you have in mind?


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