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"Biomedical Science in Texas A&M University" - Need help revising the paper


go1f4par 1 / 1  
Oct 27, 2009   #1
Because I came from a country where opportunities are very competitive and limited, I grew up in a family that believes that I always have to be ahead of everyone, and once an opportunity arises, I must grasp it and use it to advance my position from achieving my goal. My first opportunity of my life happened when I was ten years old. My family excluding my father decided to migrate to a completely mysterious country, United States. Because my father stayed behind in Korea, I was a child and husband for my mother at the same time. I was in charge of making sure the doors were locked every night, translating everything from phone calls to grocery shopping to my mom, and making sure I kept my grades high.

While in middle school, I was noticed by a high school golf coach who wanted to me practice with the team. I went to golf course everyday and practiced for a year even though I was ineligible to compete in any tournaments with high school team. Because of my passion and endurance, I was able to join varsity golf team in freshman year. We were a District Champion and a Regional Qualifier. I won five tournaments when I was only in 9th grade and won seven in my sophomore year. After competing for two years, my passion grew stronger toward golf. I once thought golf would enable me to continue my education in college and possibly become a professional player. However, I was required to make a biggest decision of my life during my sophomore year. I had to choose between academic or sport for my future. After thoroughly thinking for several months, I decided to choose a safer and more doors of opportunities path: academic.

When I heard about Texas Academy of Mathematics and Science program at UNT, I knew this was my second opportunity of my life; I did not hesitate to apply. Luckily, I got accepted to the program, which enabled to me to receive 69 hours of college courses while still being a high school student. This program made me realize I was not the most intellectual person and that this world is more competitive than I thought it would be. I was surrounded by numerous students all over Texas, and I felt like I did not belong in the program. In back of my mind, I knew I had disadvantage from all of other students because English was not my first language. That's when I realized I will not survive this program unless I work twice as harder than others. Every night, I would review, study, and prepare for next lecture till 2AM in the morning. This studying habit paid me off very well. Not only I survived the program, but I was on UNT Presidential List for three consecutive semesters and was on UNT Dean's List for the last semester.

This program also taught me the importance of giving back to communities. I volunteered 100+ hours during two years at various places such as Denton High School, Calhoun Middle School, Heart Walk, Lewisville Medical Center, and etc. With overloaded school work of 18 hours of college classes, I was obligated to work and pay for my education and living expenses. I worked six hours on Saturday tutoring four elementary kids and taught golf for two hours. For two years, I envied my friends who got to relax and enjoy their weekends. However from working, I started to value money differently and did not spend wastefully.

During my senior year of my high school, I heard about the major called Biomedical Science in Texas A&M University. As soon as I heard it, I knew this major perfectly suited me because ever since I was young to feel the pain I wanted to become a dentist. Many people questioned me why I want to become a dentist and not a doctor. I would always respond to the question that I want to help and serve my communities and the world without worrying too much about risking someone's life. I knew I cannot feel another day when I know I did not save someone's life. I hope my next door of opportunity will be acceptance of dental school.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 30, 2009   #2
You start off with a long awkward sentence. Sometimes it is good to start with a shorter sentence so that you don't strain the reader's attention to much at the start:

Because I came from Korea , a country where opportunities are very competitive and limited. As a result, I grew up in a family that...

The first opportunity of my life happened when I was ten years old. My family, excluding my father, decided to immigrate to a completely mysterious country: United States.

...Because my father stayed behind in Korea, I was a child with many responsibilities of an adult.

...went to the golf course every day and...

However, while working I started to...

Your insights and accomplishments are impressive. I think this will get good results! Good luck in college.


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