I would greatly appreciate it if you would offer some feedback on my essay. This is a very rough draft, and I expect to make changes to it. The prompt for this essay is as follows: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
My father became afflicted with bipolar disorder when I was young. The symptoms of this disorder caused my father to experience periods of mania and depression and inconsistencies of mood and actions. These inconsistencies defined my early childhood. During periods of mental stability, my father and I did many things that normal families do, and I would often get princely treatment. Like most kids I had an insatiable sweet tooth and he would, much to the chagrin of my mother, eagerly buy me chocolate eclairs from the bakery across the road from his restaurant. Or after buying me a book, my father would hoist me up on top of his shoulders so that I would be spared the hindrance of walking home and would be able to immediately warp into the worlds of the science fiction books that I was so fond of. Despite his love for me, negative events triggered by his mania and depression were a much more common occurrence in my childhood. My father had frequent dealings with homeless people and drug addicts and would have me around these people whose peculiar behavior, and eccentric appearance were terrifying as a child. More often than not, I would see nothing of my dad and would know only that he was not going to be home that night. This constant state of doubt, uncertainty, and fear of my father's actions caused my mother and I to move to a town nearly four hours away from our previous home. During these years, I did not see nor rarely hear from my dad as he moved back to Sri Lanka, the country that he emigrated from. Though my relationship with my father has improved he still suffers from relapses into mania. I am still not able to trust his words or his actions and I often feel uncomfortable around him.
These experiences, as well as the financial struggles that my mother and I have endured have been harsh trials of my character and emotional strength. Rather than having only adverse negative effects on my academic pursuits, I have become a resilient person. I have learned to not let family troubles or financial struggles become insurmountable obstacles in being a successful student. Years of broken promises and lies from my father are evidence to me that I cannot be dependent on another person, and that I have the strength to make it on my own; however, love from my mother and grandparents as well as their support have been essential in overcoming my struggles. I do not want uncertainty, fear, and instability to be part of my life or that of my children. Obtaining a college education and a stable, secure career is one of my greatest aspirations because it will be allow me to provide for myself and be in control of my life.
This is a great essay, and your attitude toward the situation is really admirable. There will always be situations you have to cope with, but you have to stay focused on your action plan, your vision for the future.
I think you need to write another essay. Keep this one for your own reflection and as a matter of therapy for yourself. But it is not the best way to approach a college entrance essay. It is distasteful to undermine your dad's dignity by announcing his shortcomings like this. It is not wrong to express your feelings about it, but I want to encourage you to use this essay as an opportunity to expound the part of your background that brought your attention to the field of study that is going to make your life meaningful, the field of study you choose for this school
You obviously write well... I just think you deserve to have an essay that expresses something about your Truth instead of something about your dad's illness.
