Being biracial is like fighting a war within yourself - COMMON APP ESSAY REVIEW

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

My somewhat ambiguous ethnic appearance tends to be a hot topic to strangers in my life. Growing up being half white, half Afro-Latino, people apparently could not make sense of me. They were always unsure of what box to put me in. Everyone constantly tried to place me in whichever they saw fit, all while unknowingly stripping me of my identity. Feeling as if I had no place I fit in often made me feel lost. There were times where I felt I should deny parts of my ethnicity to make it easier for everyone around me and myself. To leave out these challenges I have faced as a result of my race would leave out a huge part of who I am.

Growing up with a single, Caucasian mother, I saw the discrepancies between our appearances from the beginning. I wondered why I looked nothing like my mother. My skin is very tan, and my hair is a mass of curls. Why my mother's and friends skin was so pale in comparison, and eyes so bright, and hair so straight, was a mystery to me. As I got older, however, people began to solve this mystery for me. My family and I would get strange looks from strangers on the street. My mother was insulted by her white coworkers for bearing children with such a dark skinned counterpart. Every time a friend from school met her, I had to explain how someone like me could be related to someone that looks like her. I began to feel like I had no place in my own skin. It started to feel like my genetics were a double edged sword- that was creating a wound I could not heal.

To add insult to injury, I felt completely disconnected to the half of me I was most ostracized for. My father was out of the picture, and with him was my chance to experience black culture firsthand. As a result, I was often deemed "not black enough" for my black peers. I could never figure out what they meant by "enough." I searched myself to find the answers, but could find none. It was all so confusing to me; as soon as I revealed that I was also white, my blackness was erased. Upon the recent emergence of movements such as the Black Lives Matter movement, the feelings for confusion increased. Watching people who looked like me, my siblings, my father, being murdered is still unnerving to me. I worried that my voice would not be heard in this movement, and my experiences deemed invalid as a result of the other half of me. This movement brought a strong sense of pride, but along with it a small twinge of uncertainty.

Over time and a lot of self searching, that twinge of uncertainty turned into acceptance. It took me years of the constant guessing game strangers created from my ethnicity to realize I did not have to choose. Despite what strangers insisted, my identity is not an "or" question. The answer is not A, not B, nor C or D. It is all of the above. I began to love and accept every part of myself. I am thankful to have endured the struggles I have, as they have helped me find myself and grow. I love my family, every part of it. I love my curly hair, brown eyes, and my tan skin. More importantly, I love the genetic makeup behind all of these traits. I can support the Black Lives Matter movement and come home to my mother smiling. There are no criteria or guidelines to being myself. Without all of the inner struggles I faced, I would not have come to this place of self-acceptance.

@kangsix
Hello!

I really like your essay and it really has the ability to make an impact, and I think that is what NYU is looking for. It shows your identity and you have presented it really well as you are a good writer. It kind of makes me scared as my essay seems rubbish to me. (scared)

Which campus are you applying to?

Janaye, I can really feel your strong emotions regarding your being bi-racial. The essay shows off a part of your background that you may not have had a chance to present in the other common app prompts. However, I don't think that the story about your mother having to explain how she has bi-racial children is important to the discussion. This essay should represent your background and how you handle the situation. Your mother's story, doesn't really move your personal journey along. The focus of the essay should be on you and why you ended up feeling this way.

I am not sure but, was your father murdered? If he was, then his story is connected with yours. The mention of his death at a pivotal time in your life when you had questions about who you truly are should be highlighted in the essay. It should not be a mere mention in the way that it is now. It should take the place of the story of your mother because the story of your father's death, is more important and relevant to your story. If I am not mistaken, his death is what caused your confusion and lack of acceptance in the Black community. So you should build upon that foundation of your background.

Now, about the BLM thing, in today's political climate, I was wondering if you could somewhat we apolitical in your essay? The BLM is not exactly seen as an instrument of peace and unity at the moment so maybe you could hold back on mentioning the organization at the moment? Only because I would like your essay to focus solely on you and not be affected by the opinion of the reviewer of the BLM (if he or she has one). I am not saying that you can't discuss BLM, I am just asking you to consider not mentioning the group at this moment in your application because of the discord that the mention of the group name sometimes provides. I won't have any opinion if you decide to keep it in your essay. I am merely making a suggestion for the betterment of your essay and your chances of application.

Pritchett, I do really love your story. I agree that being biracial has some advantages and, you know, a little bit disadvantage. Some people in my area, who was born from parents with different races, often find it difficult to live with this status. For example, they have a problem to speak their parents' native languages. This is because their parents are seldom to use their native language in a daily conversation. The reasons are varied; they do not want to make their children confused due to the languages used. Well, that is only my story, now let's go back to your essay.

I think the essay would be great if you put some details why becoming biracial is important. You can share your experience relating to this before the last paragraph (because the last paragraph above is really a good wrap-up!). This will emphasize the reader that having such uniqueness can lead someone to be a better person.

Hope this help! I am looking forward to reading your essay. Kindly regards.

Hello, let me give my correction for you

Feeling as if I had no place and I fit in often made me feel lost (need connector two connect two sentences)

There were times wherewhich/that I felt I should deny parts ("where connector" is relative pronoun which followed by place not things, like times)

the feelings formake confusion increased

Over time and a lot of self searchingself-searching

thank you

@Waheguru225
Thank you for your feedback!! I am actually not applying to NYU... did I post this in a wrong thread? I'm new here haha! I don't think I could get into NYU at all. Right now my top schools are Penn State University or Syracuse University. But don't put your writing down! I'm sure you're a great writer. I'll check you out.

@kangsix I have no idea how to edit comments.... sorry!

@Holt
Hm. Actually (and luckily), my father was not murdered and is still alive! I have just never met him nor made a connection with him. I had no idea this essay gave off that vibe! I actually had to delete an entire paragraph to fit the Common App word limit, and looking back that paragraph would get rid of that confusion. I'll post it below. As for BLM, I actually wrote this essay months ago before the social climate reached where it is now, and was worried about this as well. Thank you for pointing it out. Maybe I should instead word it to talk about minority/black-centered groups instead?

@akbartaufiq25 Thank you for your feedback! As I mentioned above I had shortened this essay in order to fit the word limit. I erased the paragraph in which I talked about this exact issue! Here is the paragraph I deleted, (I originally had it placed as the paragraph after my intro): "My Hispanic roots had been absent all my life and have only recently become visible. I had absolutely no exposure to this part of me for a large portion of my life. However, I always knew it was there, and that made it all the more painful. I constantly felt as if I was missing a part of myself. I always had plenty of reminders that there was a part of me I was unfamiliar with. At work, a customer will start speaking to me in Spanish, assuming I speak it due to my appearance. I have to smile politely and explain to them, "No, I do not speak Spanish. Yes, I am Hispanic. I do not know why I cannot speak it either." Behind that smile is a sour taste, knowing that I cannot speak my father's native tongue." What do you think? Now I'm wishing I didn't cut it out :'(

@yurikeyuri Thank you for taking the time to edit my essay! However, a lot of your corrections do not appear to be proper grammar to me. It's the little things, such as "the feelings for makeconfusion increased". Here, the tenses don't match- "make" is present and "increased" is past. But actually I realized I meant to say "of" there, not "for" so you actually helped me in the end :) Thank you!

Hi Janaye, I think you should reinsert the paragraph that you removed in reference to your Hispanic roots. Actually, the essay is a bit confusing to me at the moment. It appears you are more than bi-racial, you are "tri-racial" (Kidding! Is there such a term?). You should do your best to reflect all of the blood lines that run through your veins. So a paragraph for the White blood, then the Black, then the Hispanic. You are a really interesting person because of the heritage that you have. I am sure that with some editing and revision, we can get all of the information that you want to put across into the essay. Is there any chance that you still have the original, longer version of the essay? I would love to read it. Maybe we can just edit that version for content in order to meet the word limit. BTW, sorry about the mix-up with your dad. You mentioned something about murder and then your father immediately after it so I assumed the worst. My apologies. I hope we can work him into the essay in the best possible manner.

@Holt
Thank you for your fast reply! Haha, I've never heard of tri-racial but I feel like I would fall under that category! (Although technically, Latina is an ethnicity!) I'm sorry my essay is confusing you. I do have the unedited version! Here it is:

My somewhat ambiguous ethnic appearance [...] as a result of my race would leave out a huge part of who I am.

My Hispanic roots had been absent all my life and have only recently become visible. I had absolutely no exposure to this part of me for a large portion of my life. However, I always knew [...]

Growing up with a single, Caucasian mother, I saw [...]

To add insult to injury, I felt completely [...]

Over time and a lot of self searching, [...] and come home to my mother smiling. I do not have to speak Spanish ...

Side note: The word limit is 650 words, my edited version is 626, and the unedited version is 777 :'(

Hey Janaye, would you mind if I have you edit your essay in portions in order to create a totally new, but more cohesive essay that you can consider for use? I feel that all we have to do to make this essay work for you is re-position some sentences and paragraphs and delete some paragraphs. I'll tell you which portions to work on and you can tell me if you think the new version will work for you alright?

For the opening statement, open with the sentence that says "My identity is not an "or" question..." all the way up to "It is all of the above". Then add , from your original opening paragraph, "My somewhat ambiguous ethnic appearance..." to the point of "To leave out these challenges..." Those sentences will comprise your new introduction.

The second paragraph will still be the one about the Hispanic roots. The only difference, will be that the third paragraph will immediately explain that your father is "Afro-Latino" by talking about his and your black roots and problems. That way we clarify the ethnicity confusion immediately. So the third paragraph should open with "To add insult to injury..." but skipping the reference to the BLM and murder. That is what confused me about whether your dad was alive or not and I am sure it will confuse the reviewer as well.

Now, talk about your mother and her being Caucasian. That whole paragraph can be kept in tact. The closing, should be represented by "Over time and a lot of self-searching..." adding "I began to love and accept every part of myself..." ending with "I would not have come to this place of self-acceptance." I believe that in this format, the essay will close on a positive and hopeful note for you.

I believe that the word count should go down with the new format and also make for a more open and easily understood essay on your part. Would you care to give it a try?

@Holt
Hi! Sorry for the late response, I got busy with school and holidays and... boring stuff. I hope your Thanksgiving was pleasant, and if you don't celebrate- I hope your Thursday was great as well. Here is the essay with your edits:

Despite what strangers insist, my identity is not an "or" question. The answer is not A, not B, nor C or D. It is all of the above. My somewhat ambiguous ethnic appearance tends to be a hot topic to strangers in my life. Growing up being half white, half Afro-Latino, people apparently could not make sense of me. They were always unsure of what box to put me in. Everyone constantly tried to place me in whichever they saw fit, all while unknowingly stripping me of my identity. Feeling as if I had no place I fit in often made me feel lost. There were times where I felt I should deny parts of my ethnicity to make it easier for everyone around me and myself. To leave out these challenges I have faced as a result of my race would leave out a huge part of who I am.

My Hispanic roots had been absent all my life and have only recently become visible. I had absolutely no exposure to this part of me for a large portion of my life. However, I always knew it was there, and that made it all the more painful. I constantly felt as if I was missing a part of myself. I always had plenty of reminders that there was a part of me I was unfamiliar with. At work, a customer will start speaking to me in Spanish, assuming I speak it due to my appearance. I have to smile politely and explain to them, "No, I do not speak Spanish. Yes, I am Hispanic. I do not know why I cannot speak it either." Behind that smile is a sour taste, knowing that I cannot speak my father's native tongue.

What made this taste harder to swallow was my complete disconnection to the half of me I was most ostracized for. My father was out of the picture, and with him was my chance to experience black culture firsthand. As a result, I was often deemed "not black enough" for my black peers. I could never figure out what they meant by "enough." I searched myself to find the answers, but could find none. It was all so confusing to me; as soon as I revealed that I was also white, my blackness was erased.

Growing up with a single, Caucasian mother, I saw the discrepancies between our appearances from the beginning. I wondered why I looked nothing like my mother. My skin is very tan, and my hair is a mass of curls. Why my mother's and friends skin was so pale in comparison, and eyes so bright, and hair so straight, was a mystery to me. As I got older, however, people began to solve this mystery for me. My family and I would get strange looks from strangers on the street. My mother was insulted by her white coworkers for bearing children with such a dark skinned counterpart. Every time a friend from school met her, I had to explain how someone like me could be related to someone that looks like her. I began to feel like I had no place in my own skin. It felt like I should fit everywhere, but instead fit nowhere.

Over time and a lot of self searching, that twinge of uncertainty turned into acceptance. It took me years of the constant guessing game strangers created from my ethnicity to realize I did not have to choose. I began to love and accept every part of myself. I am thankful to have endured the struggles I have, as they have helped me find myself and grow. I love my family, every part of it. I love my curly hair, brown eyes, and my tan skin. More importantly, I love the genetic makeup behind all of these traits. There are no criteria or guidelines to being myself. Without all of the inner struggles I faced, I would not have come to this place of self-acceptance.

This is 665 words! Only 15 off, which I can work on right now. Thank you! Any more suggestions?

Happy belated Thanksgiving to you to and yes, I do celebrate Thanksgiving. I really like the way your essay has tightened up to represent you in the best possible manner. 615 words and over by 15? How would you feel if I told you that we could lessen the essay by abut 22 words instead of only 15? Yep, I did find another portion that we can totally remove without affecting the overall presentation and message of your essay. It is located in the 3rd paragraph.

The opening sentence of the third paragraph is really not all that important to your presentation. Since we already established in the earlier paragraphs that you were ostracized, belittled, and served as a wonderment to those around you, there is no need to keep repeating it in your essay. The fact that you are saying your father was absent from your life already drives that point home. So that 22 word sentence currently acts a redundancy and can be omitted from the final form of your essay.

Again, just remove the sentence that I am referring to. To be specific, it is the part that starts off with "What made this..." and ends with "most ostracized for. " That simple edit will result in the most effective form of your statement and will have it ready for submission whenever you are ready to do it.