The bitter notes were made honeyed again; Yale Common Ap

mercedes1923 4 / 8

Dec 7, 2012 #1

For the Common Application for Yale, they are asking me this daunting task: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum). This is my reaction--> O_O

Normally, I am confident in my writing abilities, but this is the school I desire the most to attend. Should I even use this short response or do I convert it into a personal essay? Can anyone give me advice about my response to this question?It would be greatly appreciated :D

It was collecting dust. It looked as though nobody had played it from the time when the great musicians themselves were breathing. It lay untouched for two years after my mother's heart attack, forgotten by world. I hauled the dilapidated red satin-covered piano bench, emitting a groan of protest from the added weight. On the music stand above, scattered composition sheets of Bach, Chopin, Beethoven, and the ever brilliant Pandolfi, now yellowed over time, were spread out, waiting to be read. Their jet black notes appeared like minute insects, their limbs pirouetting across the worn pages and scurrying en route for the double-barred ending.

As I ran my fingers alongside the keys lightly, a coating of dust began to become ingrained into the impressions of my tips. The plated ivory of the keys was hewed from the higher register, leaving the wooden stubs naked under the harsh glare of the lamp. The entire piano itself was of a dark arboreal shade, with the grain showing prominently in the foreground.

It has been a while. I placed my hands in the form of a familiar chord, and press down mightily. The soft sound of strings slackened by time echoed across the room, notes brushing against the white walls like a lover's caress. The piercing resonance of strings rang through the course of my bones. The tune washed over me, soothing my soul. The bitter notes were made honeyed again, concealed by the discordance of sound. The world outside seemed to fade away at that moment. I was at peace once more.

So....any questions, comments, or complaints?

Didgeridoo - / 306

191

Dec 8, 2012 #2

I like it; it's very poetic. The only thing is that you sometimes get so focused on the description of the piano that the words end up taking away from the image you're trying to create. You have to remember that you're elaborating on an EXTRACURRICULAR activity, so you need to emphasize that you play the piano regularly now. Also, you have to explain why this activity means so much to you. Does it help you remember your mother (My impression from the essay was that she passed away)? Was it a way of dealing with your grief or stress?

A few things:

It lay untouched for two years after my mother's heart attack, forgotten by world . (Try ending the sentence with "forgotten".)

I hauled the dilapidated red satin-covered (All the describing words are not necessary; maybe just leave it "the dilapidated piano bench") piano bench, emitting a groan of protest from the added weight. (After the imagery of the first few sentences, it's hard to picture this sentence. Where are you hauling the bench? Hauling is dragging, not carrying, so if you are groaning with the added weight of the bench, you need to change the word.)

On the music stand above (Above what?) , scattered composition sheets of Bach, Chopin, Beethoven, and the ever brilliant (You don't need this) Pandolfi, now yellow with age , were spread out, waiting to be read.

Their jet- black notes resembled minute insectspirouetting across the worn pages (Insects don't really pirouette; I'd just keep the last part of the sentence.) and scurrying to the double-barred ending.

As I ran my fingers over the keys lightly , a coating of dust began to become ingrained itself into my fingertips .

The plated ivory of the keys was hewed from the higher register, leaving the wooden stubs naked under the harsh glare of the lamp. (I had trouble understanding this sentence. Is "higher register" referring to pitch? How could something be hewed from it?)

The entire piano itself was of a dark arboreal shade, with the grain showing prominently in the foreground. (I would use a different phrase from "dark arboreal shade"; a lot of pianos are made of wood. Is it mahogany, maple, oak, etc.?)

The piercing resonance of strings rang through the course of my bones. The tune (Is it a song or just that one chord?) washed over me, soothing my soul. The bitter notes (What bitter notes?) were made honeyed again, concealed by the discordance of sound. (If they were made sweet again, how are they still hidden by disharmonious notes?)

Good job, and good luck!

dumi 1 / 6,925

1592

Dec 8, 2012 #3

I like it; it's very poetic.

Yes... it is indeed : )

It was collecting dust.

It was covered in dust.

It looked as though nobody had played it from the time when the great musicians themselves were breathing.

when the great musicians themselves were breathing? I don't see that this part add any value to your essay.... In fact it tends to confuse the reader. I suggest you to rephrase this one!

OP mercedes1923 4 / 8

Dec 8, 2012 #4

Thank you for helpful advice!!! I really appreciate. It sounds better :)

anaiscooler 3 / 5

Dec 8, 2012 #5

Very beautiful essay, and yes, very poetic.

Didgeridoo's corrections are great also.

Best of Luck!

katev 18 / 120

Dec 8, 2012 #6

The entire piano itself was of a dark mahogany shade, with the grain showing prominently in the foreground.

Maybe too flowery? The entire piano itself was a dark mahogany, with the grain showing prominently int eh foreground

I placed my hands in the form of a familiar chord, and press down mightily.

Make it parallel. "Either I place my hands in the form" or "pressed down mightily"

Other than that it's beautiful!