Question: Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
In the way one handled a delicate china tea set, Mom handed me a sloppy Ziploc bag of black powder the night before I left home for the States: "This is Gu-yuan-gao. Yao-Yao, remember, one spoon a day. You need to mix it with very hot water and eat it before you eat anything else. This is very good stuff: red jujube, sesame, walnut, lotus seed and black rice... all in one bag." In all seriousness and certainty that you could possibly ask for in a housewife, Mom added: "It keeps you healthy."
I held the bag to my chest. "I know, Mom. Thank you." Despite its look, the powders actually had an assuring smell of walnut, bitter but sweet. Just like home.
So I had to check "Yes" for the "I am (We are) bringing fruits, plants, food, or insect" statement in the Customs Declaration Form. The check mark proved troublesome: I was asked to open all my suitcases for inspection every time I passed through a security check. As I approached one after another suspicious-looking officers, fear took in charge of my heart: the smell, so strong - would they have a dog that didn't like the smell of walnut and jujube and barked at me? The Ziploc bag, sloppy - would they mistake the scary-looking black powders as some sort of illegal drug? How should I explain the ingredients? Will they even understand me? Or what if they end up taking the powders away from me? Oh please don't discard it to random garbage where it laid some unfinished General Tso's Chicken in a box - Mom had to wait two and a half hours in the pharmacy before all the jujubes were dried and grinded and well mixed...
Thus I never could wait till the officers to ask me what those powders were. Eagerly I felt an urge to defend myself soon as they unzip my suitcase: I believed that the dangerous smell of walnut and jujube had now invaded their limbic system and stirred up gigantic waves of suspicion. Now the officer was wiping the inside of my suitcase with a piece of dusting paper testing for potential "foreign virus"; I knew the drill, and I bet you he had caught sight of the obnoxious Ziploc bag - though vaguely, didn't I just see him frowning? ...
I decided to take initiative. "You see that bag of black power underneath the big blue SAT book? Yes my mom prepared those for me. It was nuts and all sorts of things grinded into powders..." But wait! Wouldn't I be better off showing case all the ingredients?
"Sounds like a lot of nutrition! So you eat it like protein shake with nice cold milk?" The officer began zip up my suitcase.
"No... but yeah." I lied. With deep relief, I pushed forward a smile on my face. "Certainly."
He didn't even lift the SAT Official Guide, let alone pay attention my sloppy Ziploc bag of black power with the strong, bittersweet smell of walnut and jujube.
In allthe greatest seriousness and certainty that you could possibly ask for in a housewife, Mom added: "It keeps you healthy."
As I approached one after another suspicious-looking officers giving me looks of suspicion , fear took in charge of my heart.T he smell, so strong - would they have a search dog that didn't like themight react to the smell of walnut and jujube?and barked at me?
I though to myself" Oh please don't discard it into random garbage where it laidwould lay with some unfinished General Tso's Chicken in a box." - Mom had to wait two and a half hours in the pharmacy before all the jujubes were dried,andground and well mixed...
Thus, I never could not wait until the officers toasked meto explain what those powders were.
Eagerly, I felt anthe urge to defend myself as soon as they unzipped my suitcase
NowThen, the officer was wiped the inside of my suitcase with a piece of dusting paper that tests for potential "foreign viruses" ; I knew the drill, and I bet you he had caught sight of the obnoxious Ziploc bag.- though vaguely, didn't I just see him frowning?
You're a very good storyteller, and I like the personal style in which you've written the essay. The only suggestion I have, which I think may be one of utmost significance with relation to the assignment, is to relate your story more concretely to the prompt. The prompt asks for an "issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance for you". After reading the story through from start to finish twice, I honestly can't discern whether you're discussing security in national airports or the cultural influence of your mother and the "jujube" powder, or even human compassion and the way it may interfere with an occupation (given the example of the security officer). I'd suggest first to someway clarify the issue you are examining, even through a simple sentence or two, and then moving on to the rest of your essay to edit it to fit the discussion. You risk losing admissions officers who want to see a steady organization and purpose to the writing.
That being said, I really admire your ability to tell a vivid story. Make sure that remains the focal point of the essay as you move forward with it. Good luck in the admissions process, I hope Dartmouth works out for you!
mjd2195
Thank you mjd2195!
You are so right. The point I want to come across is my identity struggle. I revised my essay in light of your comment, would you like to have a second look at it? Also, I was afraid that the "Black Powders" is not a strong enough piece, and so I wrote a second piece. It will be wonderful if you can spare a few minutes to have a look at it. I really value your comment! :)
-----------
Black Powders
In the way one handled a delicate China tea set, Mom handed me a sloppy Ziploc bag of black powders the night before I left home for the States. "This is Gu-yuan-gao. Yao-Yao, remember: one spoon a day. You need to mix it with very hot water and eat it before anything else. This is very good stuff: red jujube, sesame, walnut, lotus seed and black rice... all in one bag." In the greatest seriousness and assurance that you could possibly ask for in a Mother, she added: "It keeps you healthy."
I held the bag to my chest. "I know, Mom. Thank you." Despite its look, the powders actually had the smell of walnut - gentle but invasive, bitter yet sweet. Just like home. â¨
Anxiety first bit me when I had to check "Yes" for the "I am (We are) bringing fruits, plants, food, or insect" statement in the Customs Declaration. However, when I stepped off the plane, three years in a roll, Los Angeles greeted me with the same old mixed smell of seawater, smoke, gas and cologne. To my embarrassment I must admit, such smell unnerved me like that of home.
Nevertheless, as I approached one after another officers giving me looks of suspicion, fear stiffened me: the smell of the walnut and jujube, so strong - would have had a hound that didn't like it and barking at me! The Ziploc bag, sloppy - would they mistake the scary-looking black powders as some sort of illegal drug? How should I even explain the ingredients? Or what if they end up taking the powders away from me? Oh please don't discard them to random garbage where laid a box of unfinished General Tso's Chicken. Mom had to wait two and a half hours in the pharmacy before all the jujubes were dried and grinded and well mixed... â¨â¨
As the officer unzipped my suitcase, I bit my lips and tried to get to rid of the last bit of callus from crew on my hand: I believed that the dangerous smell of my black powders had now invaded his limbic system and was stirring up gigantic waves of suspicion. Now the officer was wiping the inside of my suitcase with a piece of white dusting paper - I knew the drill - that tests for potential foreign viruses; his fingers pressed on my nerve. Wait, didn't I see him frowning? Oh I bet you he had caught sight of my dear, obnoxious Ziploc bag.
I couldn't take it anymore. I had to take the initiative: "Excuse me, sir. You see that bag of black power underneath my blue SAT book? Yes my mom prepared those for me. It was all kinds of nuts and stuffs grinded into powders..."
"Wow sounds like a lot of nutrition! So you eat it like a protein shake with nice cold milk?" The officer was now beginning to zip my suitcase back up.
"No... But yeah." I lied. With deep relief, I pushed forward a smile on my face. "Certainly."
He smiled back. "Here you go. Have a nice flight."
He didn't even lift my SAT book, let alone pay attention my sloppy Ziploc bag of black power with the strong, bittersweet smell of walnut and jujube.
Still, as I run on to catch my 11:30 p.m. flight, I was more convinced then ever: I should have told him the true story about my black powders - except for nuts, there are also jujubes and lotus seed, and you should eat them with very hot water.
---------
Thank you once again!
HI memercedes,
To be honest with you when i read your essay i just thought myself i really really wish i could write like you. Your essay is outstanding !!! You must know that you are a great writer . Everything about the essay is great i guess you have to relate it personal but i guessed you have already done that. I enjoyed reading your essay . Very well written and I am totally being honest with you. :)
