Any critique will help! What do you think of my intro?-do I need to have a better hook?
I also thought about another hook, something along the lines of: What is black and white, and is always there for you, and...?
People tend to think of black and white in a negative connotation, perhaps boring. In my life, the one thing I can always count on is definitely far from boring. The piano is my savior. When I am fighting with my family, or come home from a bad day at school, I walk in my front door and there it is just sitting there waiting for me, smiling with all 52 pearly whites. I sit down and take a deep breath. I exhale and gently position my fingertips atop the shiny keys. I place my foot on the cold hard pedal. While my hands and fingers undulate instinctively, I close my eyes and turn my mind off to the world. I relax completely and expel my stress.
((((( Out of my fingertips spill the negative energy which transforms into dulcet yet powerful sounding chords that fill up and recharge my empty mind. OR
The negative energy that exits my body through my fingertips transforms into dulcet sounding chords that fill and echo through my empty mind. )))))
For a short period of time, nothing else matters. I open my eyes and become the creator of my own happiness.
I think your current intro is fine. Go ahead and use: "The negative energy that exits my body through my fingertips transforms into dulcet sounding chords that fill and echo through my empty mind." as it seems more friendly. My issue came when I was reading through and saw the word "undulate". This seems too complex of a word to describe an action. I had to read it a few times and look at the context to understand. I love the ending.
Thank you, do I need to analyze more?
The prompt is to --Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).--
But I feel as if I need to make my piano experience more meaningful and powerful...
P.S. undulate means to move in a wave-like motion, so I thought it would fit good with how hands move peacefully and gracefully when I am playing a song. Do you agree, or have any other words in mind? Also I am thinking about adding a line describing how my body rocks side to side when I am really into the peaceful melody (or something like that). I want it to be very visual and descriptive. Or is it fine the way it is?
No. I like how it explains you as a person. and no. This is actually very powerful so I say leave it. With undulate, I like it as a word, but it seems too complex. keep in mind they read thousands of essays. you don't want to make them think too hard.
"When I am fighting with my family, or come home from a bad day at school, I walk in my front door and there it is just sitting there waiting for me, smiling with all 52 pearly whites."
I felt that this sentence was phrased awkwardly. Maybe you could condense it, or split it up into two sentences.
anddddd
I like the 2nd sentence out of the two that you put!
best of luck!
actually, I though of football when I finished the first two sentences. haha><
Would it work if I said,
"When I am having a bad day, I can walk into the living room and see it smiling back at me with its 52 pearly whites." or
"Whenever I am having a bad day, I can walk into the living room and see it waiting there for me, always smiling with its 52 pearly whites."
Or should I somehow incorporate the "fighting with my parents, or having a bad day at school" into it?
Thanks!!
