"Hey, do you like my hair?" she asks with questioning eyebrows but all-knowing eyes that are expecting me to say how pretty her hair looks
I like it, but the phrasing's kind of cluttery. maybe something like "she asks with a look that I just know expects the reply of "Yes, it's great!"
I'm honest but not blunt
but not rude
Whoa. I liked where the essay was going, but then I just got swept away with a list of characteristics. It's a little overwhelming. Pick what you think makes you really unique/looks good in the adcom's eyes.
I spent my summers in a place where there's limited water and electricity
A lot of people have done this and even more will write about it, ahaha
I might as well be a rainbow. (Excuse the bad attempt at a joke.) I'm the perfect example of the clichĂŠ "don't judge a book by its cover". At first glance
I might as well be a rainbow (excuse the bad joke). I'm the perfect example of the clichĂŠ "don't judge a book by its cover." At first glance,...
(This was about punctuation)
first: either I talk or I don't. But time
first, either I talk or I don't, but time
You kind of go astray from the block of qualities you present (which, by the way, aren't all stark opposites if that's what you were going for)
I know it's a hard prompt, but your first and second paragraphs are totally unrelated (in my opinion).
Also, if you want to come off as humble, I'm afraid you haven't quite done so. Now, you might not want to seem humble, but it's always best when strangers will be reading this and making assumptions about you because of it. You wouldn't want an admissions officer to think you think to highly of yourself because you spent a summer in Africa, would you? When you say things like I've done things that "students my age may have only read or heard about," you don't come off too great.
You don't have to say "A, B, and C, make me super-duper unique. If you say you've slept under blankets to avoid lizards, the adcom will go ahead and decide that you're different in that way.
Please don't take any of this the wrong way. Though, I'd rather you be mad at me than at an admissions committee who didn't get to see the best side of you!