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"Black and White Rainbow"; William and Mary sup- What makes you unique and colorful?


karizma101 4 / 16 5  
Dec 26, 2012   #1
Prompt: What makes you unique and colorful? This is actually a very hard prompt to answer because there are so many things about me that can't fit into one essay. I tried my best but please tell me if there are glaring mistakes and weird sentences

"Hey, do you like my hair?" she asks with questioning eyebrows but all-knowing eyes that are expecting me to say how pretty her hair looks. But I just stare at her and smile. Her hair looked like a rat's attempt to make a bird's nest. I'm honest but not blunt. I would rather be quiet than hurt others' feelings with harsh truths. While I enjoy listening to music, I would rather act to it or dance it out. It helps me escape reality and find that temporary bliss. I don't believe in God; I believe in culture and tradition. Dancing to those Bollywood songs and wearing Indian clothes gives me a rush of euphoria. I forgive but don't forget. Everyone deserves a second chance but it comes with a hardened heart. I study, not for tests, but for my own education. If I want to know how cell respiration works, I'll learn it with no procrastination or whining. I'm quiet but not anti-social. Being quiet reduces the chances of drama but once in a while, I need those random chats. I'm different but not bizarre. Crime shows are my favorite but at the same time, eradication of all crime is my hope. I'm nice but not fake. If I have something to say, it'll be with no hesitation or disloyalty. I love nature but also my technology. I would rather play sports outside than video games inside but a power blackout is enough to give me a panic attack. I'm stubborn to my opinions yet flexible to everyone else's.

These conflicting characteristics of mine are only few examples of how unique I am. I've had experiences that students my age may have only read or heard about. I spent my summers in a place where there's limited water and electricity. I watched the birth of a calf from a three feet distance. I slept whole nights entirely covered under blankets to avoid lizards falling on my face. I drove stick in India, where traffic rules seem to be nonexistent. Individually, these experiences might seem typical but together, they come to make an interesting and unique individual: me.

Don't let the dark shades of my attire fool you but inside, I might as well be a rainbow. (Excuse the bad attempt at a joke.) I'm the perfect example of the clichĂŠ "don't judge a book by its cover". At first glance, I will be the quiet girl who smiles and giggles at everything but doesn't utter a single word. After a while, I will be the girl who intervenes once in a while to agree saying, "I know right!" Get to know me for couple more days and I will be the girl who cracks jokes on herself just to get the other person laughing. But if you stick with me long enough, I will be the girl who brings a smile to your face on your bluest day and catches you when you get off balance. I might seem black and white at first: either I talk or I don't. But time is all you need to see the room painted with a mosaic of colors behind the black and white wall.
katev 18 / 120 24  
Dec 27, 2012   #2
"Hey, do you like my hair?" she asks with questioning eyebrows but all-knowing eyes that are expecting me to say how pretty her hair looks

I like it, but the phrasing's kind of cluttery. maybe something like "she asks with a look that I just know expects the reply of "Yes, it's great!"

I'm honest but not blunt

but not rude

Whoa. I liked where the essay was going, but then I just got swept away with a list of characteristics. It's a little overwhelming. Pick what you think makes you really unique/looks good in the adcom's eyes.

I spent my summers in a place where there's limited water and electricity

A lot of people have done this and even more will write about it, ahaha

I might as well be a rainbow. (Excuse the bad attempt at a joke.) I'm the perfect example of the clichĂŠ "don't judge a book by its cover". At first glance

I might as well be a rainbow (excuse the bad joke). I'm the perfect example of the clichĂŠ "don't judge a book by its cover." At first glance,...

(This was about punctuation)

first: either I talk or I don't. But time

first, either I talk or I don't, but time

You kind of go astray from the block of qualities you present (which, by the way, aren't all stark opposites if that's what you were going for)

I know it's a hard prompt, but your first and second paragraphs are totally unrelated (in my opinion).
Also, if you want to come off as humble, I'm afraid you haven't quite done so. Now, you might not want to seem humble, but it's always best when strangers will be reading this and making assumptions about you because of it. You wouldn't want an admissions officer to think you think to highly of yourself because you spent a summer in Africa, would you? When you say things like I've done things that "students my age may have only read or heard about," you don't come off too great.

You don't have to say "A, B, and C, make me super-duper unique. If you say you've slept under blankets to avoid lizards, the adcom will go ahead and decide that you're different in that way.

Please don't take any of this the wrong way. Though, I'd rather you be mad at me than at an admissions committee who didn't get to see the best side of you!
Tidal Wave 2 / 2 2  
Dec 27, 2012   #3
The begining sounds a bit awkward. How about starting like this:

"Hey, what do you think of my hair?" she asks, quirking an eyebrow in question. I can tell from one glance at her face what she would like me to say: Awesome, pretty, great... Instead of saying anything, I stare at her with a silent smile. I figure that I'm doing her a favor. Would she rather I say that her hair looks like a rat's batched attempt at making a bird nest. You see, I consider myself an honest person for the most part; but I have to hold my tongue when it comes to being rude. In my opinion and in the opinions of millions of other truth tellers, silence is usually better than harsh honesty.
OP karizma101 4 / 16 5  
Dec 29, 2012   #4
thanks a lot! these really helped a lot. I should've made this clear in the essay. What I meant was that I lived in India for over 11 years. I didn't go to help African kids or build a dam or something. It was my life. And yeah i just cut and paste from other essays. Kinda obvious, huh?

Anyway thanks but I already had to submit it :(


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