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"blackbird, fly" - UC prompt 1


pepsicola 2 / 13  
Nov 27, 2011   #1
please help me revise my essay! its the last one i need before i can submit my app. any advice on how to better it is appreciated!

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?"

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly," a line from the Beatles song Blackbird, a line I can relate to. This song has a very special meaning to me. Life is a crazy thing. It has unexpected twist and turns. Things can change in the blink of an eye. We do not always expect the things that happen to us, but we learn to deal with it; the good and the bad.

Growing up was very difficult for me. I felt very alone and isolated from everyone. I was keeping a secret from the world. While I wore smiles on the outside, inside I felt very sad and detached from everyone. I felt as though no one understood me, so I stopped trying to understand everyone else. It was me, myself, and I.

Finally, when I hit high school, I started coming out of my shell. I began to overcome my secret and began to not feel so alone. Happiness radiated around me because for the first time in a while, my smiles meant something. However, this would not last. Midway through freshman year, my past came back for me when I was least expecting it. I was frightened and withdrew to my old self.

My eldest brother and sister started noticing that something was wrong with me. They tried to help me, but I would not accept anyone's help. Eventually, with their persistence, they broke down the wall I had built. They got me help and I began to heal the right way.

My family saved me. I was destroying myself. I was headed nowhere fast, but they stopped me and got me the right help. I owe much of who I am today to them. Their unconditional love and support got me through my darkest days. My parents are my angels. Their relationship is filled with nothing but love and they shower their five children with it every day. They have given my siblings and me a sturdy foundation to build our lives upon. My sister and her diligence have inspired me to strive for the best. My three brothers have taught me to be strong, even in the toughest of situations. My grandmother has taught me to have sound faith in God. She has taught me never to falter in what I believe in.

My family helped to shape me into the person I am today. Thanks to them, I am a confident, ambitious individual. They gave me a reason to dream and to want the best. I was a withdrawn, quiet child and I transformed into someone strong and capable of anything. I learned to have a voice and to believe in myself. They helped me to reconnect with the world. I now want to help others in the same way I was helped. It is because of them that I now dream of being able to help children in some way. I was a bird with broken wings, and I learned to fly.

Yang93 1 / 12  
Nov 27, 2011   #2
It's a good essay but i think this one seems to fall under the first prompt. Were you talking about an experience or accomplishment? Overall, it pretty much answers the first prompt insteaad of the second.
OP pepsicola 2 / 13  
Nov 27, 2011   #3
yeah! sorry, messed up on the title. its my personal statement >.< im so stressed i dont know what im doing :x
Yang93 1 / 12  
Nov 27, 2011   #4
so is this for the first prompt?
OP pepsicola 2 / 13  
Nov 27, 2011   #5
yes it is, for the one about family, school, or community
Yang93 1 / 12  
Nov 27, 2011   #6
Ok....honestly, I think you answer what the prompt is asking for which is the most important thing. But perhaps you can elaborate on what kind of help did your family provided and how you were destroying yourself and how did you withdrew back to your own self . Also, I'm not very good about grammer but it would be good if you can get a english teacher to help revise. Other than that, (like I said above) this is a good essay.
OP pepsicola 2 / 13  
Nov 27, 2011   #7
yeah, i see what you're saying. thank you so much for the advice! :)
OP pepsicola 2 / 13  
Nov 27, 2011   #8
revised it a bit: please, any help or opinions?

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly," a line from the Beatles song Blackbird, one that I can relate to. This song has a very special meaning to me. Life is a crazy thing. It has unexpected twist and turns. We do not always expect the things that happen to us. However, we learn to deal with the good and bad and become better people for it.

Growing up was very difficult. I felt very alone and isolated from everyone. I was keeping a secret from the world. While I wore smiles on the outside, inside I felt very sad and detached from everyone. I felt as though no one understood me, so I stopped trying to understand everyone else. It was me, myself, and I.

Finally, when I entered high school, I started coming out of my shell. I began to overcome my secret and started feeling less alone. Happiness radiated from me; for the first time in a while, my smiles meant something. However, this would not last. Midway through freshman year, my past came back for me. I was frightened and withdrew to my old self. My grades began to slip and I kept to myself most of the time. I became indifferent towards most things and it was becoming evident as the days passed. My eldest brother and sister started noticing that something was wrong. Eventually, with their persistence, they broke down the wall I had built. They helped me to open up about what I was hiding from everyone. I have been healing since.

My family saved me from destroying myself. I was headed nowhere fast, but they stopped me and got me the right help. I owe much of who I am today to them. Their unconditional love and support got me through my darkest days. My parents are my angels. Their relationship is filled with pure love and they shower their children with it every day. They have given my siblings and me a sturdy foundation to build our lives upon. My sister and her diligence have inspired me to strive for the best. My three brothers have taught me to be strong, even in the toughest of situations. My grandmother has taught me to have sound faith in God. She has taught me never to falter in what I believe in.

My family helped shape me into the person I am today. Thanks to them, I am a confident, ambitious individual. They gave me a reason to dream and to want the best. I was a withdrawn, quiet child and I transformed into someone strong and capable of anything. I learned to have a voice and to believe in myself. They helped me to reconnect with the world. I now want to help others in the same way I was helped. It is because of them that I now dream of being able to help children in some way. I was a bird with broken wings, and I learned to fly.
karan11295 5 / 42  
Nov 27, 2011   #9
i think you could be more specefic about how your parents and family helped you. you should also mention briefly why you went into your shell, why were you sad inside? after reading the entire essay, i still don't know that. Also try to reduce the number of lines about your and increase those in which you say how you bounced back. Elaborate on the help, not on the problem.

I think this essay has a lot of potential, and can become very very good if you just focus on the right things. Good luck
OP pepsicola 2 / 13  
Nov 27, 2011   #10
i read somewhere that talking about abuse makes the readers uncomfortable so to try and avoid it, thats why i just put secret. i dont know if thats a bad choice or not? maybe so since you said i should elaborate on it. i just dont want to make the person reading my essay uncomfortable, you know? and thank you for your advice! ill really take it into consideration! :)
OP pepsicola 2 / 13  
Nov 27, 2011   #11
trying to take advice given, made a few tweaks..

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly," a line from the Beatles song Blackbird, one that I can relate to. Life is a crazy thing. It has unexpected twist and turns. We do not always expect the things that happen to us. However, we learn to deal with the good and bad and become better people for it.

Growing up was very difficult. I felt very alone and isolated from everyone. I was keeping a secret from the world. While I wore smiles on the outside, inside I felt very sad and detached from everyone. I felt as though no one understood me, so I stopped trying to understand everyone else. It was me, myself, and I.

Once I entered high school, I started coming out of my shell. I began to overcome my secret and started feeling less alone. Happiness radiated from me; for the first time in a while, my smiles meant something. However, this would not last. Midway through freshman year, my past came back for me. I was frightened and withdrew to my old self. My grades began to slip and I kept to myself most of the time. I became indifferent towards most things and it was becoming evident as the days passed. My eldest brother and sister started noticing that something was wrong. Through their persistence, they broke down the walls I had built. They helped me to open up and to regain my voice. I found new ways to express myself and learned to be vulnerable. I began to focus again on school and life gained meaning again.

My family saved me from destroying myself. I was headed nowhere fast, but they stopped me and got me the right help. Their unconditional love and support got me through my darkest days. My parents are my angels. Their relationship is filled with pure love and they shower their children with it every day. They have given my siblings and me a sturdy foundation to build our lives upon. My sister and her diligence have inspired me to strive for the best. My three brothers have taught me to be strong, even in the toughest of situations. My grandmother has taught me to have sound faith in God. She has taught me never to falter in what I believe in.

My family helped shape me into the person I am today. Thanks to them, I am a confident, ambitious individual. They gave me a reason to dream and to want the best. I was a withdrawn, quiet child and I transformed into someone strong and capable of anything. I learned to have a voice and to believe in myself. They helped me to reconnect with the world. I now want to help others in the same way I was helped. It is because of them that I now dream of being able to help children in some way. I was a bird with broken wings, and I learned to fly.
OP pepsicola 2 / 13  
Nov 28, 2011   #12
please help someone. i'm about to turn in my app and i want some last minute pointers. please&thank you!
Aliia 1 / 4  
Nov 28, 2011   #13
Hi,
The beginning of your essay caught my attention, but the rest is confusing. You're telling the one thing over and over in different ways. Try to fix it from the middle to the end. First of all organize your ideas.

Secondly, use transitions such as moreover, also, furthermore, in addition, therefore, thus, finally and etc.
Lastly, narrow down your essay (don't make it too broad/ too narrow)
Good luck! =)
OP pepsicola 2 / 13  
Nov 28, 2011   #14
around where in the middle?
thanks for your help! GREATLY appreciated(:


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