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Blame it on the language - common app personal essay

sawun213 1 / 1  
Jan 1, 2019   #1
I know im doing this very late ( a very bad idea i know) but can you guys possibly help determine if my essay makes sense and is free of errors? feel free to be critical of my mistakes. Also I'm still working on the title of my essay so if you have any suggestions , feel free to give me some.

giving a speech in front of my peers

The handle felt icy in my fingers as I opened the door.

"Hello." My 9-year old self said to the class.

Choruses of hellos replied back to me. As I sat down on my desk, crowds of students gathered around. To a few students, I was an old friend and to others, I was unknown since I switched sections.

They asked many questions, but the problem was they were all in Arabic. A language I did not speak nor understand. Everyone did speak English with each other in class, but I was never a part of the jokes or conversations because they were in Arabic. I thought I would never be able to have a personal connection with the class as others did. Others found it more comfortable to speak with someone who knows Arabic rather than someone who doesn't. Thus, I had a small circle of friends, never raised my hand in class, and never initiated a conversation in fear of rejection.

That is up until seventh grade.

In seventh grade, my teacher required every student to prepare a speech and present it in the assembly. I spent weeks thinking about my topic since I wanted my speech to inspire others. Day and night, I revised my speech. I practiced stabilizing my shivering voice when speaking and slowed down my pace when speaking.

On the day of the speech, I was a bundle of nerves. My hands were numb with sweat, and my mouth became parched as I stood in front of 700+ students and faculty members. My quivering voice began speaking, filling the hall. My heart quickened its pace with every word I spoke. But as I continued, my voice became louder and sounded more confident. When I finished, thunderous applause greeted my ears and I walked off the podium, grinning. Students and teachers cheered for me. At that moment I experienced an epiphany that regardless of languages, people still cared about what I have to say. Unlike most clich├ęs, I didn't become confident overnight. Over the course of a year, I started becoming active in discussions, raising my hands in class. I gradually became a leader of my peers and began engaging myself in conversations, enthusiastic to discuss my ideas and to listen to others.

In 11th grade, I had to present a speech - about a personal experience - in front of my peers. I thought I had nothing special to write about so I went on a walk to reflect on myself. With earbuds in my ear, the beginning chords of Paradise, a Korean song by BTS began to play. I became an avid fan of BTS because their music addresses social issues. Debuting from a company on the edge of bankruptcy, the group was rejected and ridiculed in their own country. But they persisted through every obstacle and found their own path of success. Most people would think it is impossible to penetrate into the American music industry with a song in a foreign language, but BTS has established their name in the industry without changing their originality, message, and most importantly their language.

They achieved so much success even though their music was in Korean. Their music shows that language can't divide people. As I walked down the memory lane, I recalled how I used to use Arabic as an excuse for my fear of interaction. Anxiety used to feed on my fears of being rejected by peers hence why I never socialized. I was able to overcome the language barrier by being sociable. BTS taught me that language is never an excuse to not follow your ambitions. If I had the same mindset as before, then I wouldn't be able to share my thoughts and ideas with the world. All I needed was a leap of faith to overcome my anxiety.

With these thoughts in mind, I began writing down my speech.

vinguinpenguin 1 / 1 1  
Jan 1, 2019   #2
sat down *at* my desk,
maybe elaborate on what you mean by switched sections, was kind of confusing
what made your voice become more confident in grade 7, was it seeing that people were paying attention? maybe elaborate more on that
it's a bit of an abrupt transition from speeches to Kpop

good luck! it's a very good idea, just needs polishing

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