I'd love to know what you guys think of this. It might be a bit too out there.
In this essay, please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application, or on something about which you would like to say more. You may write about anything-from personal experiences or interests to intellectual pursuits
I just made a pretty bland sandwich. I put too much cheese on it and as I heated it, it melted and engulfed the bread. After I finished it up gooily and messily, ma phoned home and told me that they were going out for dinner and wouldn't be back until late and that there are leftover dumplings, fish, and pork all stacked up in the fridge with yogurt on the rails. Usually I like it when they go out. This time, I'm not really sure what I think of it. I like that they're going out, but I've had too much alone time recently and no friends could come over tonight either. Anyways, I decide to go out for a bit. It's not that cold, but still chilly. Not a biting cold, but more of a shrill, pestering cold with wind nipping along its side. So I'm outside and I see cars parked along the streets, but it doesn't seem like anyone's home. My Timbs roll over the tire tracks in the snow imprinting another layer of marks on the weathered road. I keep walking past lifeless houses with impassive cars while wind whistles along punctuating the isolation and finally I'm at a path. I start on it and I look over at a sight I've seen a million times from that spot: downtown. As I'm leaning on one of those candy cane posts marking the beginning of the trail, I see the empty apartments, the busy offices, and the gray towers all covered with sheets of snow. It's Christmas Eve, but I don't think anyone could tell standing where I was standing. No neighbors have decorations up on their gutters, no perky ornaments sprawled on their lawns, no sign of any Christmas. Then I light up a cigarette, and as I'm exhaling, I see a brown rectangular shape nestled in the snow a couple of yards from me. I dismiss it automatically as a wood block from a neighbor's summer renovation and move on. But for once, this kind of instinct is rather loose. I walk back to it and I still can't see it clearly, so I wade into the auguring foot high snow bank on my left. The first steps are fine, lulling me into a sense of security. Then, a couple more steps and I'm almost up to my knees in bristly snow looking at an empty box addressed to a guy five houses down from me. And I'm wondering how many other things that I've let slip of because of these assumptions. I know that seven or eight year old me would have ran right up to it were I unsure of what it was. Seventeen year old me is cool, expressionless, bored. I'm getting older, but that insouciance and vivacity from childhood is evanescing. And there I was, alone, knee high in snow, cigarette in hand, staring at an empty box on Christmas Eve in search of lost time.
the details are great and ur tone is appropriate. very imagery and unconventional to me. i think upon this time, if u think it really shows u, just go ahead and submit :D
thanks! what do you mean by unconventional? do you have any specific things that you think i should change in it?
I enjoyed the read. For some reason I got a sort of private eye novel vibe from the whole thing, which overall I found to be kinda cool. Especially with the cigarette. Your imagery is really vivid, as in I really pictured myself walking in your shoes. Definitely what you should be going for. I hope your other essay and answers show a more uplifting side of you than the 'cool, expressionless, bored' one you've got going on here ;)
Capitalize "Ma" and what are timbs?
As quanny said, I agree that it is unconventional and full of imagery... unconventional as in different, usually college essays are very look at me and all my achievements!, look at what I've learned!, etc. Your essay had a really sort of deep feel and I loved the end and the part about lost time. This was great and really beautiful writing but to me at least, it sort of gave off a melancholy, depressed/sad feeling which is a bit risky and may or may not work in your favor. You want colleges to have a good impression of you and I'm not sure "expressionless, bored" is the image you want to have going.
Also, legal age for cigs is 18... so I'd leave out that and any drug reference in general out since colleges may not look too highly upon that...
haha i'm still mulling over the cigs parts, but timbs are timberland boots, and i'm kind of going for a more introspective approach rather than depressed, but i can see how that can also come across. Any tips for that? THanks!
Well would you say that the search of lost time has rejuvenated you, in a way (it's only been 5 days), to regain "that insouciance and vivacity from childhood"? That could help end it on a cheerier note.
ChickenLadder
I wanted to add in some sort of happier ending, but it disturbed the tone too much. And the in search of lost time might be too blunt of a proust reference, but i was trying for that kind of tone with this and that's why i chose to end with those words.
I reckon it's probably safer then to leave it untouched (though definitely the cigarette may be a bit of a wager). I definitely see the proustian side of things, so I think you should keep it as it is.
Like I said, hopefully your common app essay and your short answers are more cheery. If you kept the same tone everywhere they'd be telling your freshman counselor to keep an eye on you cos they're a bit worried ;)
thanks! i took out the cigarette part and added in that i'll always search for the joy of childhood.
I'm trying to fill out my Yale supplement but there's one question that doesn't apply to me but is still required to be filled out before.
"that I've let slip of because"
"but that insouciance and vivacity from childhood is evanescing." This last part with three fancy words together looks like you just found random words from a thesaurus because together they do not work. insouciance is the opposite of vivacity, you had both when you were a child? evanescing means to gradually disappear if I'm correct. The part about making up for lost time made me think that know your childhood wonder is coming back to you and you must make up for all the time lost. If that is the case, then evanesce does not work and you need a different word.
I also think the part about the sandwich detracts and you could use words taken up there adding more imagery to the important part, or more commentary about how you've grown or what you're going to do with this revived childhood wonder
All in all, it is a very good essay that takes a very simple moment, and transforms it into a significant experience. That is what makes it great. Good job and good luck!
insouciance means lack of concern, and vivacity means liveliness. a child lacks weariness and loves life. in search of lost time is a reference to marcel proust's novel more than an a literal meaning; it connotes a sense of world weariness looking to recover a past feeling. the reason i didn't go too in depth about my reaction to it was because this was meant to show a revelation more than a course of action. there's no actual growing or action in this, it's just a catharsis of sorts.
sorry, I totally misinterpreted your essay. Well, whatever the meaning is, it is a good essay. I always think of insouciance as indifference, which has a kind of negative connotation, but I don't really know. The dictionary does say childish lack of concern as well so I guess the word could mean either.
