Common App Essay#1
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Please let me know of any suggestions/comments/questions/revisions/etc. please&thank you!
P.S. It wouldn't let me indent my paragraphs.. so i just wrote my indentations ^^;
Blessed
(Indent)The heat is unbearable, almost too unbearable. The land is covered with sand and random patches of grass. Sweating and working in an enclosed building without windows, I am shining a flashlight into the mouth of a child. I see tools weave in and out as the dentist skillfully removes a couple of the child's teeth. The child's skin is dark and his eyes shine brightly, filled with both fear and pain. A few minutes pass, and we all hear the resounding "clunk" as the last tooth is dropped into the pink plastic cup. We all breathe a sigh of accomplishment, but we aren't done yet; there are many others waiting in line, but there is no complaining because we all realize this work is all for a greater purpose. The Gambia is where my team and I spent two weeks for medical missions during the summer of 2010 The two weeks that I spent there were filled with some of the most valuable lessons and memorable moments of my life.
(Indent)Waking up and putting on our dark blue scrubs each morning, my team and I prepared for the long day ahead of us. The bus rides to the different villages were the best because those were the only times where we could feel the sweet, cool air of air condition, a luxury that we were grateful for. As we arrived at our destination, we exited the bus only to feel the rush of hot, choking air hit us. We set up our own stations and waited for locals to come and seek our medical help. I worked with the dental group and learned the necessary skills to help operate the dental station successfully, such as organizing and cleaning the tools and shining the tiny, powerful flashlight into the patients' mouths. Many had come to seek medical attention, but among the multiple locals were children who had various ailments and sicknesses. As we treated the children, we had some time to talk to them through our five translators. The confusing jumble of words, known as the Mandinkan dialect of the Gambian language, was difficult to comprehend and only through the help of my station group's personal translator, Celestine, was I able to communicate with the children. While conversing with the children, I tried to block out my sense of smell because the children had a very distinct odor of boiled cabbages, which was not pleasant, but I had learned to cope with the smell because I realized that there were not many chances for the children to ever bathe themselves. The children, Celestine, and I talked about general topics such as where the children came from, how old they were, and how many siblings they had. The children each had differing answers, but one question was common among them: could they have our water bottles? All the children wanted was the clear, plastic wonder that contained a sweet, pure liquid known as water. At first, we were naturally inclined to, but our team leader told us that giving the water bottles away provided a safety hazard to the children. Watching the children desperately want a water bottle, while I had as many as I needed in America, broke my heart and I came to realize how thankful I should be for the abundance of water in my home country.
(Indent)When our team had finished medical service for the day, we decided to play soccer with the local villagers and we headed out to the field. Children from all over the village came to the soccer field to watch us play. After we finished our soccer matches, the children just loitered there instead of going home. We told them to go to their parents, but with a confused look on the children's faces, they just walked away to their friends. It was not until later that one of the locals told us that the children had several different parents because a man was allowed to marry up to four wives, that we realized some of the children had no definite set of parents. Seeing some of the children wander alone, not belonging to a specific family, made me realize how blessed I was to have an actual family to which I belong.
(Indent)When we had some leisure time to read or to eat snacks, the children came up to us and asked for some food or to read to them. Aware that these children did not have what we took for granted in America, it pained me to see them ask for food or to read to them. I realized that I had valued my education, my family, and almost every aspect of my life in America too lightly after interacting with children who had nowhere near what I had.
(Indent)Although much had gone on during my stay in the Gambia, much had come out of it. The Gambia was the most significant experience in my life because it taught me to value greatly what I have and has certainly changed my character and outlook on life.
Thank you so much!
This experience is very distinctive.I like it!~ The first paragraphy is also appealing! However, the lesson you learned from such a unique experiance is somewhat shallow. You just understand that you need to value greatly what you have? Don't you want to do something in the future to truely help these children to change their situation? I can feel that you want to express this idea in the last sentence--"it has certainly changed my character and outlook on life", but this sentence is too broad, ambiguous and universal. Make it specific. I'm sure you can write something much more deeply through this experience!
PS. You sentences are often too long. I know you want to use these difficult sentences structures to prove you are intelligent. However, considering admission officers are extremely tired when reading essays, you'd better cut your sentences short. :)
sigh of accomplishment
Cool, I don't think I have ever heard this phrase.
...cool air of air
conditioner , a luxury
for which we were grateful
for .
It was not until later
when one of the locals told us that the children had several different parents because a man was allowed to marry up to four wives, that we realized some of the children had no definite set of parents.
Although much had gone on during my stay in the Gambia, much had come out of it. You can create a better sentence than this as the intro to the last paragraph. This sentence suggests that if a lot went on it is unlikely that a lot would come out of it... but that is not part of what you are trying to say.
(The Gambia?) was the most...
This essay is excellent, but the whole last paragraph seems weak. It seems like you should be able to draw a few specific lessons from it... lessons that help you decide on your path for the future.
