Tell my what you think about the essay. I'm willing to read your essays if you read mine. Just ask me if you want to.
Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
My young mind was full of arrogance as I dominated every class with excellent marks in my freshmen year of high school. From my egotistic thoughts, I saw a high school education as an effortless path to success even though I never experienced an AP curriculum. I entered every class with the intention of leaving every class. I pleased every teacher to get an excellent mark from every teacher. I did every assignment to only avoid failing every assignment. It seemed this conceited spirit would follow me throughout my high school career and ruin my transcript once I started taking an AP curriculum. However, the latter never occurred because a man named Malcolm X uncovered the errors of my way.
As a young man, Malcolm lived a troubled life as a criminal even when he embraced Islam. He continued to see the white men as the race of the devil and spoke with animosity against them to his fellow Muslim companions. People might question how I could ever relate with El Malik when my flaw is only arrogance. My arrogance correlates with my perspective of my high school, and Malcolm's hatred dealt with his perspective of the white race. He truly believed that the right and good would prevail, but sadly Elijah Muhammad, his mentor, indoctrinated his mind with such racial propaganda of the white people. However, both his and my perspective changed when he made holy pilgrimage to Makkah. He saw white people worshipping peacefully with others of different races. The indoctrinated thoughts of Elijah Muhammad clashed with his current sight. In a moment of epiphany, he began searching for a different meaning of righteousness, and it was promoting humanitarians rights to Middle Eastern parliaments. He eventually concluded that the change in his perspective impacted the course of his life and that education was the tool that changed our perspective with the quote "Without education, you are not going anywhere in this world."
From this valuable lesson he Malcolm X learned, I realized my own arrogance and saw how I was neither strong nor intelligent, but a weak soul that would have been shattered by an AP curriculum. I realized that high school was not a path to effortless success, but a source of change in viewpoints which can completely impact any situation. I study now in every class with only the sole purpose of changing my view of the environment around me, locally, nationally, and globally. I desired knowledge, but not for fulfilling my intellectual curiosity- only to develop new viewpoints of concepts, thus allow me to advance toward progress. When I studied AP Environmental Science, I was granted many insightful perspectives that gave me a new sight of humanitarian policies especially with charity organizations. They use donated funds to aid the suffering of third world countries in forms of food, blankets, and water. This form of charity has noble intentions, but it also has ill endings. To realize this, one must change one's perspective from those suffering to the farmers of the third world nations. Since those who are suffering are getting free food and aid from charity organizations, the farmers have no demand for their crops and they go out of business which negatively impacts the nation's economy which in turn will make the suffering more dependent on aid from charity organization. With this in mind, more effective policies can be made toward humanitarian aid.
From the lesson Malcolm X taught me, I formed a doctrine that I heavily believed in: How one sees will impact how one succeeds. With the doctrine, I analyze my environment for deeper nuances with hope of seeing something new. This is done with intention of refining the news perspective into progress. The doctrines, intentions, and lessons exist in my possession because Malcolm X granted vision to my blind, arrogant eyes.
Just some concerns. Should I eliminate the parallelism in my first paragraph?
And is there is any unnecessary clauses that should be condensed?
Hi, I can help with a few things:
My young mind was full of arrogance as I dominated every class with excellent marks in my freshmen year of high school. You could say this: "My arrogant young mind dominated every class during my freshmen year of high school."
I entered every class with the intention of leaving every class. I pleased every teacher to get an excellent mark from every teacher. I did every assignment to only avoid failing every assignment. This sounds odd, I would re-word these sentences.
It seemed this conceited spirit... This doesn't sound right, the word conceited seems a bit harsh.
My arrogance correlates with my perspective of my high school... This doesn't really make sense, use different words, you begin to repeat yourself at this point in your paper.
If you are describing Malcolm X, you should write as if the reader doesn't know him. Of course, most people have heard of him, but some may wonder, "who is El Malik?" You explain his beliefs a bit, but it still seems vague. You sound "wordy" in some places as well.
From this valuable lesson he Malcolm X learned, I realized my own arrogance and saw how I was neither strong nor intelligent, but a weak soul that would have been shattered by an AP curriculum. Re-word this sentence, it is a run-on.
Work on your final paragraph more. It should be as strong as your first paragraph. You have an excellent topic, and you are off to a good start. Keep working on this, and re-read it while imagining yourself as the college admissions dept, and think about how your personality appears in this essay. I wish you the best of luck in school.
