I gave my essays to some of my relatives who are now in universities and they said my essays are a bit too childish and game related, which is completely opposite to what I intended. But please tell me what you guys think, should I summit something like this?
And if I do, should I shorten it and how can I make sounds more realistic?
Thanks in advance.
*NOTE: I finished this essay at 4AM in the morning, so there will be plenty of errors. Sorry for the inconvenience.**
-TOPIC OF CHOICE: As a young child, what influenced you that allows you to be as you are today?
**A Blocky Youth**
I slowly open my dreamy eyes to a world full of multicolor blocks. My senses begin to adapt to this wondrous land, where a massive army stand at arms behind me, obeying my every order. The shining armor plates pressing on my body, as heavy as they are, suit my position as the mighty emperor of this enormous kingdom, my kingdom. Filled with joys, I sluggishly raise my sword in the air, signaling the existence of the ultimate supremacy that reigns over this country. I slightly smile.
However my prideful stance does not last long. My eyebrows join closer when I spot a huge redness in the distance. The evil fire dragon Deathwing has descended from its hideout, and is now wrecking havoc upon my kingdom that I built from blood and sweat. The blazing flame from the villages burns my eyes. I cannot accept this. My heroic blood boils within me. This reign of terror must be stopped, for the happiness of the people and the safety of the world.
Immediately after the thought passes my mind, I let out a loud, deafening scream: "Charge!!!" Without delay, under my command, my army mobilizes toward the gigantic creature - my mortal enemy. Rage explodes inside my heart as I clumsily climb on top of my trusty battle mount. Then without hesitation, I gallop at full speed toward the malevolent dragon, while cursing it with foul words. With archers spraying limitless arrows in the back, and knights charging orderly in the front, the situation is already too clear to me: we will win.
Due to my early judgment, I have underestimated the violent beast. Deathwing has already noticed the knight in gold, shimmering armor in the lead of the ground-trembling army behind him. Instantaneously, he projects himself into the air with his massive leathery wings. His wild yellow eyes glued on the flesh of these futile human - us. Then without any warnings, not even a roar, he shreds the wind as if he is homing missile whose target is me. Despite this, I do not back down. The distance between us shortens - the distance of sword and fangs. Finally, we clash.
Unfortunately, the clear, hasty chimes of my exasperating alarm clock utterly obliterate the feeling of awe from my obvious victory. My sleepy eyes rapidly blink, as if they are still refusing to escape from the realistic perception of my dream about LEGO. It appears strange to me how I am experiencing a dream about mere toys which I have not played with for five years.
Thinking back, each of those tiny, colorful blocks were different pieces that constructed a part of my childhood which I hesitate to part. In my vision, these blocks are like events which shapen the course of one's life. Some blocks are bigger, some are smaller, but as a whole, every block contribute individually to the perfection of one object - might it be a huge dragon, brave knights or burning villages. The path of nurture of one being inevitably starts with its childhood. As for me, these LEGO blocks filled my childhood with creativity which I am extremely grateful for its usefulness academically. Furthermore, even though my dream only exists in the form of toys, it makes me feel overjoyed to be doing the thing I always wanted: making the world a better place.
*bump* Anyone? :(
It isn't so much that the essay is too childish as that it is off-topic. You relieve a play episode with what used to be a favorite toy, which is actually quite interesting. However, it is not clear that this particular play experience changed you, or that the Lego toys made you more creative (it seems more likely that you enjoyed playing with Lego because you were already creative). you go on to compare the blocks to events that shape your life, but the essay prompt does not ask you to come up with such a metaphor. It asks you to discuss a specific event that changed you. In short, the essay doesn't really answer the prompt, and so, whatever its other strengths, needs to be rewritten.
I would agree with Sean. The essay is not really childish, but does explode into many ideas that go of the road that your essay should be traveling. I would choose one or two things to focus on and write well about them. Be sure to include why these things influenced you the most. The essay begins well-written; however, it does not follow the essay's question. It reads more like a story rather than an essay. Try the five paragraph method, but it can be any number of paragraphs you want. Use the first paragraph to introduce the topic (and yourself a bit), use the last paragraph to remind the reader of what you told them, and in the middle tell them what you need to tell them (what you want them to know). Make them have to pick up the phone, call you, and tell you, "Your essay was so great we want to give you an early acceptance to the University of Chicago over the phone NOW!"
Thank you guys so much for commenting! I truly appreciated, as for a new essay...
*NOTE: another essay completed at 4AM in the morning for me haha*
**CONCERNS:
+ Maybe I should explicitly show how I change over the course of time?
+ I have a feeling the essay is still "loose", and not direct enough, what should I change?
+ The essay is now more about my belief and how I live and think, but it is still a vague topic?
The Emmy-winning actor Milton Berle once said "I live to laugh, and I laugh to live." Likewise, my motivation of existence in the world is fully concluded in this deep, yet simple phrase. Being blessed with a good sense of humor, I was capable of experiencing the power of laughter influencing on everyone around me, including myself. Thus explaining why I am an optimistic, energetic, and at times hyperactive person. Laughter is the core of my personality.
However, it was not easy for me to comprehend the complexity of this concept and consent to it. Naturally, my life, like everyone else's, was not always a smooth sail to the coast of victory and achievements. For instance, one of the most discouraging events that had happened to me was my first interview to gain entrance to the United States six years ago. To my disappointment, the reason for my rejection was simply young of age. At that time, I could not assent to that ridiculous judgment. For an entire week afterward, my emotion and mind only revolved around one sole idea: I got rip-off.
Thankfully, my friends and family tirelessly cheered me up, sometimes with seemingly useless jokes, but it was those jokes which I cannot resist to burst in tears laughing that elevated my spirit. Gradually, the rejection was no longer a concerning matter to me. Since then, I suddenly recognized the importance of laughter in my life. Therefore, no longer do I laugh indefatigably at things which are hilarious and comical, but also laugh to relieve from stress, or irritating troubles which are inescapable from my brain.
Despite my happiness at that time, I was not satisfied. The abrupt acknowledgment of the benefits of this new found ideology struck me as if it was a religious - laughism, I would call it. Therefore, I wanted "laughism" to spread among others. Inevitably, the easiest and most efficient way for me to carry out this idea is to make people crack up. With my plan meticulously set, a new clown was introduced.
Now, I am renowned at my school for being a funny and amusing master of ceremonies for several shows such as the Culture Heritage Day. In addition, my new personality helped me befriend many people. But to me, hearing the guffaws of different voices is much more important. It is those happy faces and unmistakably familiar sounds that I take joy, because I have done something I always wanted: making the world a better place.
On an additional note, I seem to always get myself to tell about something that happened to me. I don't know if that seems to be a good thing or should I spread it over several general events?? Thanks in advance!
*bump*
I'm really sorry for triple posting but this thread kinda fell back
