'Blue, Gold, and FTR Spectrometers' - Why Notre Dame

Hi everyone! It'd be fantastic if you could help me revise this essay. It's the standard "Why Notre Dame" essay and is supposed to be a max of 1500 characters so I don't have much room to experiment. I feel as though my essay isn't personal or creative, but yet again I know these are the kind of essays where they want to see what you'd contribute/do in the college's community.

It's the blue and gold that's splattered on the cheering faces of Notre Dame students as they wear "The Shirt" to the football games. It's the extensive alumni network and the trees the sweep the edges of the breathtaking grotto. It's reasons like these that further intensify my desire to attend Notre Dame.

As an aspiring doctor and prospective biology major, those aren't the only reasons why I want to attend Notre Dame. At Notre Dame, I know I can pursue my ambitions. It's constantly progressing as a school and making the necessary adjustments in order to revolutionize the way its students will administer their research in the modern age. It has facilities, such as Jordan Hall, where I'd be able to conduct my studies in a setting that mirrors the setting of an experienced researcher's laboratory. It's one of the only places where I could use a FTIR to determine molecular bonds in a compound and then have the privilege to head over to Nieuwland Hall to use the NMR Spectrometers to study the same compound at an atomic level. Notre Dame offers endless possibilities, possibilities that will help me thrive as a student and possibilities that can't be found anywhere else.

Hi Kimberly,
Thank you so much for commenting on one of my essays. I promise to check its ambiguity.

I love your essay because of its eye catching introduction. I think it is good because you prove to the deans that you know the college and are hence sure about the passion you have for it.

The only problem I guess is the 'it's' use instead of 'it is'. Am not sure if 'it's' is formal enough or is allowed.

I hope this helps

Hello there Kimberly.

I am not a professional editor but I'll give it a shot.

I like the basic drift of the essay, but I think you overuse 'it's' a lot in the first paragraph. I also agree with Agatha in regards to the heavy use of contractions.


How about:
It is the blue and gold paint splattered on the faces of students wearing "The Shirt" cheering wildly at football games, the extensive networks of alumni and, the verdant vegetation that sweep the edges of the breathtaking grotto, that have intensified my desire to attend Notre Dame.


Maybe:
in a setting that mirrors that of an experienced researcher's laboratory or in a setting that rivals an experienced researcher's laboratory.
(was sort of redundant)

I hope this helps.

Overall, this is essay is good. I would take out this sentence "At Notre Dame, I know I can pursue my ambitions." because it is way too general. Also, I would suggest in your sentence "As an aspiring doctor and prospective biology major..." flipping the order of the two so instead it reads: "As a prospective biology major and aspiring doctor"--it just makes a little more sense. Otherwise, good job!

I think you expressed your desire to attend Notre Dame really well :)
You are a very good writer I must say:)

Good luck Kimberly!