According to the report for the 2012 National Health Interview Survey, 15.3 million American adults between the ages of 18 and 64 report experiencing significant vision loss. This was just a mere statistical average until it affected me in a way that transformed my entire life. It was a routine visit to the eye doctor. The wind was remarkable that day kicking up and blowing snow in such a way that it was hard for me to see. In some way this might have been foreshadowing, hinting into what was about to occur. You see, this wasn't an eye examination for me, it was for my mother; who had worn glasses, contact lenses and used a magnifier for as long as I could remember. This was the day we discovered my mom was going blind, with no possible way to stop or slow it down. We were at the Eye and Ear Infirmary at UIC. We checked in at the front desk and took a seat in the stuffy waiting area. Fast-forward 20 minutes later, we were ushered into a dark room complete with an eyechart plus all the latest tools and gadgets. Dr. Lim arrives momentarily and began the examination. During the course of the routine testing it was discovered that my mother could neither see nor move her right eye. Upon closer inspection it was discovered that she had a detached retina. I was stunned for a moment, but then began wishfully thinking that there was some way she could regain her vision back. I had heard of operations for the people born blind to be able to have a semblance of seeing again, so why not my mom? When I got home I began researching all about different types of treatments. There weren't a lot of options choose from which got me thinking, there should be more research on retinal detachment. There should also be more options for treatment but, it appears there are only 3 main types. From what I recollect she had an eye injury a couple weeks earlier but had brushed off her pain and sensitivity to light as a migraine. A detached retina is when part of the eye (the retina) pulls away from supportive tissue. The longer a retinal detachment goes untreated, the greater your risk of permanent vision loss in the affected eye. Dr. Lims plan of attack was simple, try and reattach the retina. Sounds easy, but it wasn't. Unfortunately my mother's eye was past the point of remediation, meaning vision in her right eye was unsalvageable. The only salvageable part was the eyeball itself. We scheduled an appointment for the minor operation which was the insertion of oil in and around my mom's right eye to save the shape and keep it from deflating further. The day of the operation was in January. The operation went smoothly and my mom's eye was preserved but included in her life were now, monthly eye checkups for a year which meant that I too would have to miss a day of school or more a month. After the operation my mom needed assistance for basic things around the house until she adjusted to being handy-capable. Which led to me missing lots of school junior year, the most important year for academics. Even with all the adversities I faced I still managed to finish junior year strong and this event in my life has inspired me to go into the medical field. These struggles generally go unnoticed in my academic life, but are important to me and have had a drastic effect on me. I want to help people, like my mom, have the ability to lead a normal, healthy life. I know I have the compassion, dependability and attention to detail to make that dream a reality.
Julia, I am not really sure about how to approach reviewing your essay because it lacks an important factor. You forgot to mention the number or topic of the common app prompt that you are trying to respond to with your essay. It is only through knowing the question that you are responding to that we will be able to properly guide you through the revision and polishing of your essay. Kindly provide that information as soon as you can. In the meantime, What I can do is give you some general reviews of your essay.
First of all, it would seem that since this is a college application essay, there is really no need for your to be quoting factual data within in relation to your personal objectives or inspiration for pursuing a course. Such information should be reserved perhaps for a formal statement of purpose or letter of intent, both of which are for higher studies. I believe that you should revise the beginning to skip that information and instead create a more personal instead of academic connection within the discussion.
Second of all, you should really work on the paragraph spacing of the essay. Try to divide it into proper topic paragraphs instead of squishing the discussion into one paragraph like it is now. You need to provide a clarity for the discussion and a sequence of discussion so that the reader can easily follow what it is you are trying to narrate. Right now, the essay is really difficult to follow.
Finally, I think you will need to shorten the reference to the illness and the operation your mother had so that you can direct the events to your interest in this particular field of medicine. That is something that we can help you do once you deliver the prompt requirements to us in this thread.
As far as I can tell, this essay has the potential to be highly effective. It just needs to be adjusted to a certain extent for the purposes of the prompt. I hope to find out what that is soon from you :-)
Describe a problem you've solved or a problem you'd like to solve. It can be an intellectual challenge, a research query, an ethical dilemma-anything that is of personal importance, no matter the scale. Explain its significance to you and what steps you took or could be taken to identify a solution
Julia, I have a few remarks for your essay.
- posting the prompt will help us give you a better insight and enhancement of your essay
- paragraphing the essay will help in the overall presentation of your essay
- an essay should have the introduction, the body and the conclusion
- on the conclusion part, it will also add a personal touch if you have a couple of sentences that pertains to your personal
view of the subject
I'd like to share my thoughts on what I consider part of the conclusion of your essay.
- was preserved but includedand played a great part in her life were now,
- WhichThis led to me to missing lots of school days in junior year,
- dependability and attention to detail make that tothat will my dream a reality.
There you have it Julia, I hope my remarks and guidelines help in enhancing you essay.
Thank you guys for all your feedback! This is my revised essay!
I was on my way to the eye doctor. The wind was remarkable that day kicking up and blowing snow in such a way that it was hard for me to see. In some way this might have been foreshadowing, hinting into what was about to occur. You see, this wasn't an eye examination for me; it was for my mom; who had worn glasses, contact lenses and used a magnifier for as long as I could remember. This was the day we discovered my mom was going blind, with no possible way to stop or slow it down.
....
Julia, honestly, the revised essay is far better than the original one.
The paragraphs you made out of the full essay looks a lot better now, you can definitely see what difference it makes,
it's not an eye sore now and you can draw a lot of people to read your essay and help you with it.
Also, the message of your essay has streamlined to it's purpose and this is very crucial in making sure that your
essay answers the prompt.
Just for future reference, as much as you want to impart personal situation in your essay, refrain from flooding the essay with information, find the ones that are stronger than the other and include this and only this information on your essay, this is to avoid making your essay a plea of pity or hopelessness.
Well, that's about it for me, I wish you all the best!!
