OK so my personal statement should contain various topics including my motivation behind the scholarship program, family and education background, significant experiences, influential person in my life, extracurricular activities, and work experiences as well. I did try to fit in as much information as I could. It is a scholarship program introduced by MOFAT that I participated in. Please do comment on how it appeals to you, and help me correct where-ever I may be wrong. :) Thank you!
This scholarship program introduced by The Embassy of Korea in Nepal (MOFAT) is not only a once in a lifetime opportunity to be able to acquire a premium standard of education, but at the same time, for me, it is also an official introduction to the Korean culture and lifestyle that I have always admired and esteemed. To be able to experience and inherently immerse myself in the dynamic culture and lifestyle of Korea in itself is a firsthand prospect for cultural interchange and knowledge. Since education is considered a pre-requisite for success and accomplishment, I believe the disciplined and development oriented education system in Korea will help me to sharpen my abilities and skills where inadequate, and also aid my personal growth and maturity, hence improving my drawbacks to inspire me to attain my goals.
Growing up in a hostel in a boarding school has always been advantageous for my education background and personality development. Since my father's trekking/tourism work required him to be away from home most of the year, and while my mother was also working then, I and my younger brother were admitted to GEMS (Graded English Medium School) for its advanced education system. Living in a hostel is tough and competitive, yet I am thankful for those 8 years that taught me to be disciplined, organized and instilled teamwork skills in me. Grade 9 &10 are especially considered crucial in Nepal, and I managed to pass grade 10 (SLC) with 83.75% with Distinction while after completing secondary school, I did my A-Levels from Chelsea International Academy in Psychology, Mathematics and General Paper . as English is the main teaching language in schools, I managed to attain a good fluency and command over English and even secured an A in the final GCE exams.
As part of our courses, extracurricular activities were mandatory. Being a part of the dance club I had the privilege to participate in the Asia Pacific Festival held in Japan in 2005, in which our school dance club was the only one selected from all over Nepal. Apart from the dance club, I was also a member of the Social Service Club and Journalism Club. Having participated in such diversified activities helped to sharpen my leadership and performance skills. Being a school prefect and house captain for 2 consecutive years, several times I had to organize varieties of functions and programs which ultimately inculcated in me a strong sense of responsibility, proper management and punctuality.
Being fond of reading and writing, I actively participated in various speech and writing competitions and during my senior year in high school, I achieved the award of the Best Library Leader. The passion I have for learning foreign languages ensured my participation in a Korean Language class and in this way, I have developed/ (broadened) my language skills too.
Since socializing is a vital part of hostel life, I found it easy to get along with people which maybe one of the reasons I could cope up with work easily. I started to work as a sales assistant in Beatification Boutique nearly 3 years ago, and despite being a novice in fashion industry, I managed to successfully satisfy the clients and also increase the sales revenue to some extent, hence achieving positive feed backs from my managers and many clients as well. I am a reliable and efficient person. Despite my work hour being a 9-5 job, many of the times I had to work over time until 8/9 pm in the night to finish urgent deliveries and even on days when there was a strike or a national holiday, I was required to look after the operation in the Boutique and ensure prompt delivery of goods. I knew the hard work would pay off as I eventually got an opportunity to work along with my Creative Designer during one of the major Fashion Shows, where I got a chance to get acquainted with professional and diligent group of people. To have the people wear what I had designed and get praised for my work was indeed a grand achievement for me.
Although my job was formerly only a temporary plan to fill up my spare time, I never realized it would have such a strong impact on me. Since my mother had worked extremely hard to raise us as a single parent, I had always looked up to her for her strong willpower and determination. My mother whose perseverance and independence I had always admired, had always encouraged and inspired me to gain some sort of firsthand experience and this was indeed an opportunity for me to put my skills to practical use while also helping me achieve a mindset as to where I would like to be and what I should do in life. It has coincidentally turned out to be an educative and a life planning for me.
The message in your essay is clear; however, the wording is too jumbled in many areas. There are a number of sentences that can be corrected to make the essay flow from sentence to sentence. I have attached a screenshot of a few editing recommendations. Basically, you will want to focus on how you word your sentences and make sure to follow the rules of grammar when writing numbers, etc.
This is an example of how I edited your first paragraph:
The scholarship program introduced by the Embassy of Korea in Nepal (MOFAT) is more than a once in a lifetime opportunity; it is a chance to acquire a premium standard of education and (for me) an official introduction to the Korean culture and lifestyle that I greatly admire. To be able to experience and immerse myself in the dynamic Korean culture and lifestyle is a priority for me in terms of both cultural interchange and knowledge. Since education is considered a prerequisite for accomplishment and success, I believe the disciplined and development-oriented education system in Korea will help me to sharpen my abilities and skills, while it also fosters my personal growth and maturity. Collectively, I believe the experience will continuously inspire me to attain my goals.Be sure to watch for excessive wording when writing these types of essays. You indicate in your second paragraph that you've been successful in achieving fluency in the English language. To illustrate that this statement is true, you need to make sure your wording choices and the way you express yourself mirrors this claim. The context of the essay is great. You just need to clarify and tighten to keep it flowing throughout.
