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'my body begs for an escape' - College Transfer Essay


jukeboxlovesong 1 / 1  
Mar 15, 2012   #1
I was wondering if someone could help me proofread my essay. I'm not sure if the subject comes across well as it talks about how I haven't always had confidence in myself academically. I also feel that the conclusion is lacking.

Thank you so much!

Here is the prompt:
Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

My hands tremble as every inch of my body begs for an escape. Darting back and forth like small brown tigers cornered in the face of poachers, my eyes keep faltering, alternating between the door, my only salvation, and him... but he is calm. He knows what he wants and that eventually I will comply. Mr. Lovelle's normally square jaw twists upward as if to smile, but his blue eyes burn through me emptying my insides and replacing them with acid. The acid is rising causing my face to flush crimson with heat while the throbbing in my chest beats louder and louder. In protest, my vocal chords constrict and I start stammering. Despite my best efforts to avoid this fate, it's time.

"Kathryn, could you please translate the next paragraph out loud?" Mr. Lovelle asked leaning against the chalkboard, textbook in hand.

Nothing frightened me more than being called on in class. Needless to say, public speaking never used to be in my DNA. As in the case of my French class, even if I thought I had the correct answer to a question, I used to remain quiet. While I did well in high school, I never had the confidence in my abilities that I do now. Rhetoric was not my forte and my writing, just like my public speaking abilities, was timid. I avoided all timed writing tests like a hemophiliac would avoid contact sports because I was afraid of bruising my ego and not being good enough.

My preferred choice of self-expression was not through words, but movement. A bona fide ballerina since the age of three, I gained my self-esteem through countless hours, not in French, calculus, or composition, but in ballet class. I not only endured the thirty-six hours of intensive training each week, but I cherished it too. I thrived in the environment that required no less than the maximum effort and dedication that ballet had taught me which is why I chose to continue my dance education at the Jacobs School of Music at Indiana University. Unfortunately, after a recent car accident and four spinal disc herniations later, I was devastated to learn I could no longer defy gravity on the tips of my toes, buoyantly graze through the air like a gazelle, or undulate the music's varying rhythms. I had no choice but to pack up my pointe shoes and trade them for pencils.

At first I was crushed. The source of my confidence and identity had been stripped, but instead of giving up and shrinking into a corner, I regained poise by focusing my energy on other interests such as psychology, medicine, and literature. I now voluntarily speak up in class and am more assertive with my assignments. I even used my new found academic confidence to arrange a secretarial job at the Bloomington Hospital where I continue my education on medicine in the community. While ballet is still an integral part of my life and always will be, it is no longer something I hide behind or fall back on.

Although initially intimidated by the large size of my current university, I believe it was the anonymity that helped me realize my potential as well. I am no longer surrounded by peers that I have known since kindergarten who just know me as "the dancer" and now without something more concrete to compare to, it is my responsibility to motivate myself to higher levels. By transferring colleges I hope to nurture my new objectives and aspirations of majoring in neuroscience, attending medical school, and performing innovative research in psychiatry and neurology.

While Indiana University and the Jacobs School of Music had provided me with an environment that enabled me to explore my other talents in conjunction with ballet, I currently feel it is incompatible with my educational goals. Now that I am on the verge of achieving my full potential, I wish to be more thoroughly challenged in both the classroom and community. By transferring colleges I also hope to become better informed in my chosen field of study that is not extensively offered for undergraduates at Indiana University. Although I plan to continue my involvement in the arts, I now want to focus on neuroscience, a once intimidating topic I would have shied away from in high school. Who would have thought the young ballerina stammering in the back of a French class would one day metamorphose into a brain surgeon?

Although I was always a dancer, what I learned in college so far is that I am an innovative thinker too with thoughts that deserve to heard and answers that need to be spoken, which is why once again, I find my body inching towards the door... although this time, I don't want to shrink away and escape, I want to flourish in a new college that can better fulfill my educational goals.

menukagrg 7 / 98  
Mar 15, 2012   #2
avoid contact sports because - shouldn't it be contacting?
deserve to heard - to be heard.
door... although- i like it this way but maybe it is informal? You could just put a period.

Your essay is amazing. Some lines are really long. I like long ones but not too many of them. If you work on it, i will be more than happy to read it again.

I can't believe you went through such a devastating time, with the accident and all. I wish you the best. :)
chalumeau /  
Mar 15, 2012   #3
You turned a tragic story into a happier one! Congratulations. You must be quite smart b/c neuroscience is really hard. I found neurochemistry and neuropharmacology extremely difficult. Maybe all those years learning dance moves gave you great memory skills?

I cut out the beginning, b/c I felt it wasn't really relevant? Also, it made you sound childish, and I didn't want the admissions crew to stop reading the essay. Sometimes they don't finish the story.


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