Body issues - What passion or inspiration led you to choose this study area? CMU SUPP ESSAY

Here is the prompt:
Most students choose their intended major or area of study based on a passion or inspiration that's developed over time -
-

what passion or inspiration led you to choose this area of study?

Word limit 300

I have two drafts (one is allowed). They are both really similar, but they are a little different as to how I am writing it. I have heard different advice and now I am really confused as to how to execute this prompt. Please let me know which one is going on the better direction and I can edit from there. Thank you.

Draft 1 Words: 292
I sat quietly in my high chair waiting for my parents to finish eating. I was quite bored, but the three-year-old me did not find anything amusing at a restaurant. Finally, the dinner check arrived and my short, plump arms immediately reached for the black, ballpoint pen. Confused yet curious, I clutched it with my left hand and drew my mother's face. I was astonished by the black marks and continued to scribble on the oil-stained paper mats.

Every day I spent at least eight hours doing art. No matter how busy I was with school, art was my priority. I felt in control and smarter using my creativity to portray my message through my artworks.

However, for the past five years, I kept pushing myself to find my own style. The frustration of disliking what I've drawn and the inability to create something original was destroying me. I wanted to be better and I kept striving for success. I later realized the stress was overpowering me and I had to tell myself "it's okay if I haven't found my style." After a few days of relaxation, a spark hit me.

Because of how I have struggled with body issues, I thought of drawing a character that resembled the imperfections I felt about myself. The nose would be slightly bigger and the toes would be awkwardly wide apart. I felt connected with my character, and the more I drew it, the more I loved the way I looked. I felt CMU was the right place for me to open up about my insecurities and share my different side of creativity with other talented artists. Art has not only taught me to beautifully express my past pain but also appreciate the moments in life.

I felt the transition between the first and the second paragraph a bit vague. Maybe be more specific. Other than that, your essay is perfect. It is well written and expresses your passion for art.

Hannah, the reference to your 3-year-old-self is an exaggeration that the reviewer will not appreciate. If you were that sort of child prodigy, you would have been enrolled at CMU at the age of 3. Change that. The reviewer never appreciates such exaggerations. Start from a more proper age that could have influenced your interest in art. You can start with finger painting in kindergarten if you wish. From there, describe how and why you transitioned to water color art, then progress from there to oil, pencil sketching, or whatever other art form that has become your passion at this time.

You will need to discuss the reasons that you transitioned to painting the human form due to certain issues you faced early in life. So make sure you do a quick description of the progression of your art form so you can dedicate at least 200 words to explaining your passion and inspiration for painting realistic human forms.