Body Twist - extracurricular activity under 75 words - Bryn Mawr essays

I will critique your work in return! Thanks! :)

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below. (Minimum 50 words, Maximum 75 words)

Body Twist

I twisted my body a-hundred-eighty degrees; the music turned loud. I and other dancers rushed in front and started performing seemingly strange Japanese Yosakoi dance movements: hands clapping, fists throwing, legs stamping. The New Zealand audience looked with puzzle. Upon finishing our performance, an old woman came to me and whispered: "Great job. I kept looking at you!". I smiled. That was the greatest gift for the sweats we had shed in the training room.

Hello!

I would like to correct one grammer mistake, apart from that it looks quite good.

looked puzzled instead look with puzzle would sound better.

Jojo, might I suggest another way of stating the activity? See my version below. I hope it works for you. It is exactly 75 words :-) I believe this is a more streamlined version of what you were trying to say.

- I twisted my body a-hundred-eighty degrees the music blared. The other dancers and I rushed to the front and gyrated in strange movements known in Japanese dance as Yosakoi. My hands were all over the place clapping, throwing fists,feet stomping. The New Zealanders looked on in puzzlement. After our performance, an old lady came up to me, she whispered, "Great job! I kept looking at you!" I smiled. Her comment made our sweaty rehearsals worthwhile.

Vangiespen, thanks so much for taking your time to rewrite the paragraph, very helpful. :)