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Being bold is what I firmly hold onto. NTU Scholarship on my values and beliefs.

Appledoe 1 / -  
Feb 25, 2019   #1

The values and beliefs I hold strongly to

Please help me proofread my essay. I would appreciate it if you take the time to read and critique it and correct any error (e.g grammar)!

Describe, in less than 300 words, the values and beliefs you hold strongly to. Please provide examples of how you have demonstrated these in your actions.

Being bold is what I firmly hold onto. As daunting as some challenges may be, only those who are daring enough to take the first step and try can they make a change. I used to be timid and was afraid of everything. However as I grew up, I slowly built my courage and boldness. I readily faced any obstacle I encounter and tried out many things such as self-learning subjects like forex trading and attempting to start an online business.

As they say, fortune favours the bold. I believe opportunities do not just present themselves to anyone but to those who are bold enough to try. It is because I dare to step out of my comfort zone and attempt new challenges would I be able to open doors to new opportunities and success. I firmly believe that only by being bold can you get anywhere.

"Continuous effort, not strength or intelligence, is the key to unlocking our potential." -Winston Churchill. This is a quote that has greatly inspired me and another value which I hold strongly to. Perseverance. Since young, I was never a fit nor athletic individual. Sports was never easy for me. However, with a firm resolve, I participated and persevered through strenuous physical training frequently. As a result, I was able to hone my body and my mind to achieve my sports and military achievements today.

I believe the bottom line of success is about persevering. It is about picking ourselves up and trying again despite failures. It is about pushing ourselves to go on even when we feel exhausted. It is about pushing through adversity. Obstacles and setbacks are there as challenges to further develop us. Persevering on, they are but stepping stones that will allow me to get closer to my goal each time.

How is it?

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,102 3259  
Feb 26, 2019   #2
Ang, the essay feels choppy when read. The first part about boldness or being bold has a strong written statement but lacks an actual example to highlight how you exercise this belief. Try to pick a memorable time when you exercise boldness and it paid off for you. Add details to the presentation. The same goes for your virtue of perseverance. You discuss where you applied it, but you don't really explain or prove its application in your life through action. Both require strong examples. It would also help if you used or inserted a transition paragraph between the two discussions to help ease the reader into each discussion topic. That would remove the choppy reading pattern that it's currently in this version of your response essay. Don't use the quote from Winston Churchill in the essay. The reviewer will appreciate your own take on that quote in this instance. Specially if you can do it in such a manner that might merge the belief and virtue system into one related presentation.

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