A book, artwork, or lab experiment that changed my world - CommonApp Essay

This is a short essay I'm writing for CommonApp and another college supplement. Any criticism would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

*Please note that the books are neither italicized nor underlined because when I paste it onto the supplement part, it automatically reverts it to plain old text. Hence, please ignore that error.

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PROMPT:Tell us about a book, artwork, or lab experiment that changed the way you see the world. What was it about the work that affected you? How did your world become different? (500 words or less)

Throughout my adolescent life, the Board of Education has felt the need to
mandate classical literature into the English curriculum, hoping as if some sort of
imprint will be left on my psyche. And while I do admire Shakespeare's Romeo
and Juliet and F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby, I found that no other
book has been as profound nor has reshaped my viewpoint of the world as the
book Number the Stars by Lois Lowry.

This book entails the life of a ten year old girl, Annemarie and her family during
post-WWII in Denmark. I remember the first time I read this book back in
fourth grade. I sat on the side of the courtyard, entranced by the bravery of little
Annemarie, instead of playing with my friends like I usually did. While I was
reading the story, I couldn't help but feel a strong sense of bravery from such a
young girl. Since her best friend Ellen was a Jew, the German soldiers came to
take her away. Despite this, she did not give in and ultimately saved her friend
by helping her cross the country into Sweden while risking her own life. Sure
there are many heroes in this world, but who would have thought that such a
little girl could be one of them. Annemarie's bravery has taught me that it is okay
to be afraid. It is natural and instinctive to feel scared in times of hardship, but
that should not stop you from trying. When she was confronted by soldiers, that
did not stop her and as I face difficult situations, I try to recall Annemarie's will
to never give up.

Aside from the personal lessons that Annemarie have instilled in me, the overall
theme of the book has also struck a chord. Being able to glance back to the
times of depression and the Holocaust, I can begin to grasp the difficulties that
people have suffered under the reign of Adolf Hitler. As I look back at the
book, I feel that I have taken too many things for granted. In Number the Stars,
basic necessities such as clothing, sugar, and even electricity was almost non-
existent. Today, I wake up to the warmth of the heater and know that there is
food in the refrigerator. After reading this book, I have come to realize that not
everyone in this world has the opportunities and the benefits that I have and
therefore I try to value everything that I have.

This book may have been a work of fiction, but to me, the values and lessons
that it has instilled in me are real. This book has changed how I see the world
today, and I am humble yet proud to be able to see the world for the way I see
it now.

i was sitting


who?


despite this traumatizing event, (or something to replace this)

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how did this change your world? you say


yet you the only things you mention about impact of the book on you are:


and


while the first one is legitimate (you need to elaborate a bit more), the second one is something you should've learned a long time ago. Basically, you were saying that because what other people don't have what you have, you will value more what you have...which not only lacks support, but is a trite discovery.

When you see someone poor, your reaction might be: o, i'll start to value my money. But if you put that in an essay, you will sound selfish.

I suggest that you focus on 1 thing you learned, and actually use your personal experience to back it up. this essay focuses wayy to much on the book and not you. The admin wants to see who you are and how the book changed your world or your perception, not the book itself. THerefore, spend 1 paragraph talking about the book, then add how you were impacted and the events of your life.

Thanks, Yang

Your recommendations are greatly appreciated.

I think you need only one comma in this sentence:
This book may have been a work of fiction, but to me the values and lessons
that it has instilled in me are real. ---> that makes it very forthright and direct.

It might be nice to quote a little bit from the book to illustrate your point. I see no errors, though, and this is very nice!