My thread yesterday was deleted. Im not sure why? Anyways, I ended up re-writing my essay today, and would greatly appreciate some proof reading/ simple edits if possible. The favor will be returned if asked. :) I would also like to note that I exceeded the 500 word limit (640 words), but I cant figure out any other way to shorten my essay. Anyways, hope you enjoy!
Tell us about an intellectual experience, project, class, or book that has influenced or inspired you.
I consider myself a very well rounded person. I am a natural athlete that loves to play all kinds of sports. I am very creative and have always done well in school. I enjoy playing thinking games like chess and expressive instruments like the drums. I have always had a diverse group of friends. However, the one aspect of my life where I was always deficient was my relationships with girls. Growing up I had very few female friends and did not have a single girlfriend throughout high school.
I never knew how to connect with women on any level and I didn't know anybody who could teach me how too. It was the only area of my life in which I felt like a complete failure. Two years ago I finally decided I wasn't content in not having a love life. Therefore I decided to seek out answers and I eventually found what I was looking for when I read The Game by Neil Strauss. Not only did this book teach me proper social skills with the opposite sex, but it allowed me to discover something I had never experienced before, love. In spite of my new found knowledge I wasn't an overnight success and the learning process consisted of trial and error. Nevertheless, I'll never forget my first major breakthrough in my quest for love.
It was another long Saturday afternoon being spent in the musty confines of the Vancouver Public Library. Despite the fact that it was long overdue for a renovation, the library was the perfect place for me to log quality studying time for my SAT. I had isolated myself to the back of the building where it was quiet and free of distraction. Nothing was going to come between me and my practice tests that day.
That was until I noticed that an adorable looking girl with black glasses had set up camp at a nearby table. I tried to keep my focus on the task at hand, however; I couldn't help myself from drifting my eyes towards her. She had short black hair that danced across her shoulders, and a beautiful complexion that lit up the room. On top of that she looked like the type of girl who I could converse with on multiple levels. An intellectual who I could discuss a wide range of topics with, from the score of the Red Sox game to Obama's foreign policy.
At that moment I thought of a quote from The Game, "Don't even think about it and just do it. If you don't, you'll be regretting it the rest of your life". Thus, I took a deep breath, got up from my seat and began my approach. As I walked towards her, I began to lose feeling in my legs. My hands began to shake, and my heart was racing like a thoroughbred. Despite my anxiety I tried to display as much confidence as I could. As I floated towards her, she looked up at me. My mind began to go blank, all the openers and routines I had memorized were flying out the window. Then she smiled at me and said, "Hi, I'm Rebecca. What's your name?"
Little did I know then, that today I would still be calling that cute girl from the library, Rebecca McClane, my girlfriend. I thank God every single day for allowing me to come across The Game because my old self would have never been able to muster up the courage to approach Rebecca. I can honestly say my life is better because of my relationship with her. I can converse with her about anything and everything, and I know she will be there for me through good times and bad. Most importantly, I can proudly say that I now know how it feels to love.
I am sorry that I can't see any grammar flaws that I can think of, my English skill are pretty bad, but I do notice that your first paragraph flows smoothly into your second paragraph, if you are still looking for something to shorten that would seems like a good place to do it, also the third paragraph does seemed...em...useless?? toward your point, your could probably shorten it to just one sentence. Like em...
One time when I was studying in the Vancouver Public Library I noticed that an adorable looking...
I hope that helps... good luck...
also I like that quote... :D
Thank you for your advice. I agree, the third paragraph does seem sort've useless. Im still not sure how to edit it though because I feel it flows well with the 4th paragraph because I was trying to emphasize how Rebecca was so pretty that she distracted me from what I was originally at the library to do.
you might want to use more sophisticated words in order to avoid sounding naive.
Little did I know then, that today I would still be calling that cute girl from the library, Rebecca McClane, my girlfriend.
This sounded a bit awkward to me. How about this:Little did I know then, that today that cute girl from the library, Rebecca McClane, would be my girlfriend.