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"books and study materials donation program" Helping hands- Common app short question


Traycat 4 / 9  
Oct 27, 2010   #1
Prompt was Common App's -Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).
Please help me with any sort of grammatical errors and you can feel free to edit it if needed. I appreciate criticism!!

I've always felt pity for poor children who could not afford quality education and I wanted to help them. My dream came true when I came up with an idea of books and study materials donation program. I and my friends from my school collected about four thousand books, four PCs and some sports equipments to donate to Shree Singhkali School-a poor school in Solukhumbhu district which is considerably one of the most remote places of the country. Walking about 10 hours on rough terrain under the scorching sun with dirty mules which carried the books, just for the sake of donation was truly a remarkable experience. The only sense of relief I felt was when the children cheered when they saw new books and computers. And, when ABC television network covered and telecasted our program nationally, it sparked enthusiasm among other students to start a welfare project like ours. In a way, the whole project was inspiring too.
swimmer400 4 / 10  
Oct 27, 2010   #2
Hi,

Second line, it should be "My friends and I."

The sentence, "Walking about 10 hours on rough terrain under the scorching sun with dirty mules which carried the books, just for the sake of donation was truly a remarkable experience," seems really awkward. I would change the structure to make it flow better.

Other than that, your ECA sound very impressive.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 3, 2010   #3
I've always felt pity for poor children who could not afford quality education, and I wanted to help them. My dream came true when I came up with an idea of for a books and study materials donation program.

I and m My friends from my school and I collected about four thousand books, four PCs, and some sports equipments to donate to Shree Singhkali School-a poor school in Solukhumbhu district which is considerably considered one of the most remote places of the country. Walking about 10 hours on rough terrain under the ...

I crossed out "about" a few times, because you can improve your writing by eliminating unnecessary words.

This is a bad ending!----> In a way, the whole project was inspiring too.---I think the whole essay is great, except for this ambiguous reference to "inspiring." e specific at the end! :-)


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