What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement
I was born in a business environment. My parents have been small business owners since before I was born. I spent most of my life at their liquor store and continue to do so now. Growing up, I often watched my parents engage in actual conversations with their customers. Not just the typical hello, have a nice day, and thank yous, that you would usually hear at any old shopping mart. My parents feel that it is important to build an actual relationship with their customers. My mother loves learning her customers' names, about their family, and what they do for a living. Because I spend a great amount of time around my mother, I have developed similar characteristics. I now find myself wanting to get to know people on a more personal level. Knowing your customer is one of the most, if not the most, important aspects of business. It is especially important in marketing; the career path that I am seeking. In addition to my parents getting to know their customers, they have also developed business relationships with them. For example one of our customers is also our handy man, another one helped us renovate our kitchen since he specializes in cabinets, and another customer reconstructed the store's front door after someone crashed into and cracked it. Since we know our customers on a more personal level, we trust them and know that they will not cheat us. They are not just another name in the yellow pages.
I have thoroughly enjoyed all of the business related classes that I have taken at Fullerton College. I started out as a culinary arts major, but then realized that it was more of a hobby than a career. I did not want to limit myself to just culinary arts. Business provides a wide array of opportunities; that is why I am set on majoring in business now. My first business related class was Economics-Micro with Francis Mummery (I also took Economics-Macro with him). I not only loved his teaching style, but also the material covered. One thing that I like about his teaching style is that before every test, he would go around the room and ask at least thirty students a question concerning the material that was on the test we were about to take and would not let us look down at our notes for the answer. This, personally, made me study harder than usual because I did not want to be the person who got the answer wrong. I am currently enrolled in Legal Environment of Business with Dr. Marcus Wilson. This could easily be my favorite class in all the time I've spent at Fullerton College. Dr. Wilson often involves his students in his lecture. One day, while discussing constitutional law, he asked me what my name was, I replied "Andrea," he then opened the classroom door and yelled out "Andrea is a sleazebag!" Then asked the class what I could do about it. I could sue, but I would lose the case because "sleazebag" is an opinion and it is difficult to prove that an opinion is wrong. This is why is love his class. He takes everyday instances and turns them into class material. Dr. Wilson gives his students everything they need in order to shine in his class. Sadly, I am one of the few students who take full advantage of these opportunities. Dr. Wilson is a brilliant man whose brilliance transcends through those who put in a valiant effort.
obviously this is a very rough draft, but still be brutally honest. I was also having trouble with closing statements. any ideas?
The first half of your essay was focused and answered the prompt (if business was your intended major) but after the first sentence of the second paragraph, you went off somewhere else. The prompt you wrote asks you to "Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement"
No mention of the above...
That's an important observation from linmark, good call!
I also think you should "revise for conciseness." Eliminate unnecessary words in little ways... like this:
I have thoroughly enjoyed all of the business-relat ed classes that I have taken at Fullerton College.
Saying the same thing in fewer words leaves more of the reader's attention available for enjoying the EXPERIENCE you are providing for them.
