Hello, I would like to get extreme help with my personal statement. I am not the best writer; thus, a bit of help would be priceless. Its a little over the limit but through revision I will modify it. Thanks!
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Born in Mexico City, I came to the United States when I was seven years old, insubstantially armed with a modicum of two words (please and thank-you) yet contained a powerful weapon; a mindset which my family has engraved in me of a better education, a better life
I was in middle school when I finally understood two things: the definition of an illegal immigrant and sexuality. I am the definition of an illegal immigrant. As a kid, I was not conscious of my surroundings; thus, I was very naïve and oblivious pertaining to my status in this country. Through recurrent Breaking News adds on the newspaper about deportations and everyday conversations about the topic, it made me question numerous things. Is the police going to deport me too? When am I going to be able to see my family once again? Will I be able to drive? But most importantly, how was I going to attend college and why was I attracted to boys.
I realized that my ticket to success was education and thus had to act upon it. My perpetual thirst for knowledge and intangible ambitions has kept me busy for the past 10 years I have been in this country. I have achieved excellent grades, been an outstanding athlete and person through hard work and proved to myself that dedication makes everything possible; however, my legal status and homosexuality transformed me into an emotionless, dormant, plastic human with a desire to fit in and be like everyone else. Be American!
Everyone who knows me thinks of me as the smart, hard-working, unique Mexican who is always smiling, yet little do they know that I hide all my feelings behind my skin mask. During school, I swim gently through all my classes yet drown when I get home. My sexuality with the help of my legal status has made me think of suicide. There were times where I could no longer take the pressure of wanting to be like everyone else and the only way to rid of my shame, fear and loneliness was death. Fortunately I overcame my fear of what people would think by flooding out my emotions and thoughts that I had kept in so long to the people who I trust the most. I look at my mom everyday and remember why we are here in the United States: for me to have a better education and life than she did.
My so-called defects have encouraged me to excel in my duties. I don't want to attend college to prove to people that an illegal gay Catholic Latino can accomplish that, but rather due to self-motivation and desire of wanting to exceed. Not being able to travel has impacted my interest in learning about different cultures and languages; thus, I would like to pursue a career in communications. Furthermore, the Dream Act is something I keep updated and never lose faith on. I know I am not standing alone; therefore, I would enjoy helping and counseling people who are going through what I have gone through and still going through. I have a dream. I dream that one day, I will be able to drive, travel, vote, and work legally. Something people take granted for. Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to.
I am not very good at corrections but just wanted to let you know that this has been one of the most captivating essays I have read yet! The begining had me hooked, which led me to the middle of the writing which didnt lose my interest at all. Very nice job!!!! Im glad you have found the person that you really are and good luck with everything in your future :)
This is a place to use a colon instead of a semi-colon:
...contained a powerful weapon: a mindset which my family has engraved in me of a better ...
...made me question numerous things (think of a better word than things!)
. Is Are the police going to deport me too? When am I going to be able to see my family once again? Will I be able to drive? (This stuffis all in the present verb tense, so put the next sentence in the present tense, too: But most importantly, how was am I going to attend college and why was am I attracted to boys?
Very impressive writing: ...my legal status and homosexuality transformed me into an emotionless, dormant, plastic human with a desire to fit in and be like everyone else. Be American!
... and still going through. I have a dream. I dream that one day, I will be able to drive, travel, vote, and work legally -- abilities people take for granted for .
Brilliant: Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to.
