PLease leave any comments regarding content, grammar, or any suggestions. Anything will help. If you'd like, leave a comment and I'll help you with your essay as well. Thnx
Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)
My birth certificate says I was born in Miami, Florida. But how then did I grow up in Beijing, China? Well, at the time, my parents were constantly moving among different hospital which hired them as short-term employees and to ensure a more stable childhood, they sent me to live with my grandparents in Beijing for my first 5 years.
I vividly recall the sweet delicacy I enjoyed in China. April, 1999. It had just received a 100% on the pre-school final exam on single digit addition. Adrenaline flooded my veins and serotonin inundated my neurotransmitter. Getting a perfect score meant I could dine that night on those granular, sweet, and euphoric substances inside pink Sweet'N Low packages. Yes, my favorite "candy" back in China was an artificial sweetener. In a country where most families treasure every penny, Sweet'N Low was the affordable sweet. Now compare that to the luscious delights available in the US: Skittles, Snickers, and M&M's and it's apparent that many in other, more destitute, countries cannot afford the commodities Americans take for granted.
I hope, with my education at MIT, to decrease this disparity of access. Although I might not engineer a cheaper bar of Twix, I can certainly help those in China thoroughly indulge in the wonders of modern computing as they down their coveted package of pink powder. Along with the group at the Department of EECS, I hope to engineer an affordable PC with at least 4 GB of RAM and a 2.93 GHz processor that even the humble blue-collar worker in China can afford and operate. This is my dream.
I love how you answered the prompt! For the first paragraph I can relate, but only 4 years in China for me. In the second paragraph I don't think the sentence: "Adrenaline flooded my veins and serotonin inundated my neurotransmitter." is really relevant, seems more like showing off vocab, but that just may be me.
P.S. aren't they already making cheap laptops available to Africa?
"Adrenaline flooded my veins and serotonin inundated my neurotransmitter."
This seems a little out of the flow of the essay? Kind of detracts from your voice.
I like how you look at the issue, but in my opinion, you come off a little strong? With your second paragraph, it almost seems like you're attacking Americans for their lack of perspective into the world. Instead of
"commodities that Americans take for granted" maybe something more along the lines of "sweet treats that can be found at every shop"
First paragraph. Do the admissions officers want to know about Miami florida? Not particularly. I like the story that comes in your second paragraph, but your first paragraph altogether might a little unnecessary. Email me if you want to talk more. I'm working on this essay right now as well.
