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"If I were born in a poor household" - the world you come from, how it shaped you


cissylewel 5 / 24  
Nov 7, 2009   #1
I totally have no confidence with this essay... i don't know if it will make me a geek or a wicked girl... anyway, just criticize!

Most of the wealthy and high-educated families of this city live in west national CBD. Their children study in exclusive or high-threshold public schools, and learn to be the wealthy or educated next generation; housewives spend whole noon in gyms or SPA canters; or having a party in small gardens. Several years earlier, my family moved to west CBD, which was an ideal environment to my parents' ideality-cultivating their only child a graceful lady who will eventually marry a gentleman and make our family name decent.

However, I seem like a totally outsider. Though I do have built many tastes as they anticipated, and I do have had enjoyable times with my neighborhood ladies, I know my aspiration belongs to somewhere else.

I have run away from home twice. The first time, I went to the outskirt alone to see the last steam train passing by when I was 10. The second time, I escaped from light pollution far away, and found a plot of lawn, lying down, waiting for my first Gemini meteor-shower of lifetime. Everything fell in quiescence; only cold wind blew my face to remind me I was not in the dream. Strangely I did not feel scared of dark, but only the similar peaceful as my circumstance. My mind wandered randomly in that tranquility: my parents' expectation, my real desire, my future... Meteors scratched some short lines in the mute sky; I swore I had seen the vague Milky Way.

I undoubtedly got reproach when got home; it might be the most angry mom I had ever seen, despite the time she found me furtively brewed 4 bottles of wine in my room-those liquid sent out acid smell.

I do not know why. I love my parents and felt guilty when I can not satisfy them, and apparently I can ink out "rebellion stage" as the reason since I have passed it for years. Three years already, I've been struggling with self-cognition and my controversial future. The whole world around me--my family, my school and my neighborhood-- is trying to shape me an orthodox, sophisticated, and complaint women; however the harder it tried to shape me that way, the profounder I feel that my life suppose to fill of discoveries, journeys and challenges. That sounds like a plasticine-playing child who tries to shape the plasticine a ball, nevertheless makes it a cylinder.

I know no one means to it. Things may totally change if I were born in a poor household-my dream might be to own what these middle class ladies have: gorgeous clothes, college, and a peaceful life. However, it is exactly the ease and comfort shaped my dreams and aspiration. I saw how lifeless and meaningless it will be since the first day I touch it, and only wanted to pursue adventures as doing something beyond their definition for me.

Anyway, appreciation to my world is indispensable-it has given me so much materially, and, on the other hand, helps me find my dreams and aspirations.
OP cissylewel 5 / 24  
Nov 7, 2009   #2
I have changed some places... no one? please just criticize! any criticism is welcome~~ please~~
new vision

Most of the wealthy and high-educated families of this city live in west national CBD. Their children study in exclusive or high-threshold public schools, and learn to be the wealthy or educated next generation; housewives spend whole noon in gyms or SPA canters; or having a party in small gardens. Several years earlier, my family moved to west CBD, which was an ideal environment to my parents' ideality-cultivating their only child a graceful lady who will eventually marry a gentleman and make our family name decent.

However, I seem like a totally outsider. Though I do have built many tastes as they anticipated, and I do have had enjoyable times with my neighborhood ladies, I know my aspiration belongs to somewhere else.

I have run away from home twice. The first time, I went to the outskirt alone to see the last steam train passing by when I was 10. The second time, I escaped from light pollution far away, and found a plot of lawn, lying down, waiting for my first Gemini meteor-shower of lifetime. Everything fell in quiescence; only cold wind blew my face to remind me I was not in the dream. Strangely I did not feel scared of dark, but only the similar peaceful as my circumstance. My mind wandered randomly in that tranquility: my parents' expectation, my real desire, my future... Meteors scratched some short lines in the mute sky; I swore I had seen the vague Milky Way.

I undoubtedly got reproach when got home; it might be the most angry mom I had ever seen, despite the time she found me furtively brewed 4 bottles of wine in my room-those liquid sent out acid smell.

I do not know why. I love my parents and felt guilty when I can not satisfy them, and apparently I can ink out "rebellion stage" as the reason since I have passed it for years. Three years already, I've been struggling with self-cognition and my controversial future. The whole world around me--my family, my school and my neighborhood-- is trying to shape me an orthodox, sophisticated, and complaint women; however the harder it tried to shape me that way, the profounder I feel that my life suppose to fill of discoveries, journeys and challenges. That sounds like a plasticine-playing child who tries to shape the plasticine a ball, nevertheless makes it a cylinder.

I know no one means to it. Things may totally change if I were born in a poor household-my dream might be to own what these middle class ladies have: gorgeous clothes, college, and a peaceful life. However, it is exactly the ease and comfort shaped my dreams and aspiration. I saw how lifeless and meaningless it will be since the first day I touch it, and only wanted to pursue adventures as doing something beyond their definition for me.

Anyway, appreciation to my world is indispensable-it has given me so much materially, and, on the other hand, helps me find my dreams and aspirations.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 7, 2009   #3
Here, I'll replace a semi-colon with a dash:

...housewives spend whole afternoons in gyms or SPA canters -- or having a party in small gardens.

I can't approve of that last sentence of your first paragraph. Do not marry a gentleman to make your family proud; instead, make a meaningful contribution in your professional field. The last sentence of your first paragraph often used for the thesis sentence -- the most powerful, important sentence in the essay. It doesn't matter if you never get married, or if the person you marry is a failure at everything. When you write the last sentence of your first paragraph, write about how the world has shaped you into an aspiring __________?

What will you be?
OP cissylewel 5 / 24  
Nov 7, 2009   #4
thank you Kevin...
so, the most important and powerful sentence should be my aspiration. but i want to express that i don't like living the life which my parents have already arranged, instead, i love to do something beyond their arrangement. this is how my world shaped me... so should i write like this---

Several years earlier, my family moved to west CBD, which was an ideal environment to my parents to cultivate their only child a graceful lady. But since then, my aspiration of being someone beyond my parents' arrangement formed gradually.

ok.... i still don't feel it is suitable...as the most powerful sentence of this essay.

then, is the theme good? this is my true feeling whcih accumulated for several years, but when i wrote down all these things, i was confused````should i really present this ME to readers? if it is a huge problem````i am considering to discard this essay`` :-(

or maybe it is the problem of the differences between west/east writing style? :-) (joking)

give me more instructions and advices! thanks a lot!!!
OP cissylewel 5 / 24  
Nov 8, 2009   #5
anyone I really want to work for this essay before i submit it. thanks for every feedback!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 9, 2009   #6
Ha ha, it is not a joke. Big differences exist from east to west. But in both the east and the west, societies are leaving behind the imbalance that pressured women to be good housewives instead of social leaders.

The old expression was, "Behind every great man is a great woman." In the 21st century, the new expression is: "Great men only can help 50%. We need great women to lead us if the human race it to survive."

:-)
Kelsey1704 4 / 26  
Nov 9, 2009   #7
Hi! Something is missing in this essay for me, though I am having trouble putting my finger on exactly what that is.

First off, I found myself distracted by the number of grammatical errors. There was more than one sentence that I had to read twice. For example...

Most of the wealthy and highly -educated families of this city live in west national CBD. Their children study in exclusive or high-threshold (Maybe consider "exclusively high-threshold?") public schools, and learn to be the wealthy or educated next generation" where they are molded into the next generation of lawyers and businessmen" - you have opportunities throughout your essay to make your statements more colorful. ; housewives spend whole after noons in gyms or SPA canters (centers?) ; or having a party in small gardens. Several years earlier, my family moved to west CBD, which was an ideal environment to my parents' ideality-cultivating their only child a graceful lady who will eventually marry a gentleman and make our family name decent. This sentence just reads awkwardly.

However, I seem like a totally (total) outsider.

...and so on.

Though I do have built many tastes as they anticipated, and I do have had enjoyable times with my neighborhood ladies, I know my aspiration belongs to somewhere else.

I have run away from home twice. The first time, I went to the outskirt alone to see the last steam train passing by when I was 10. The second time, I escaped from light pollution far away, and found a plot of lawn, lying down, waiting for my first Gemini meteor-shower of lifetime. Everything fell in quiescence; only cold wind blew my face to remind me I was not in the dream. Strangely I did not feel scared of dark, but only the similar peaceful as my circumstance. My mind wandered randomly in that tranquility: my parents' expectation, my real desire, my future... Meteors scratched some short lines in the mute sky; I swore I had seen the vague Milky Way.

I undoubtedly got reproach when got home; it might be the most angry mom I had ever seen, despite the time she found me furtively brewed 4 bottles of wine in my room-those liquid sent out acid smell.


I would take out the part about you brewing wine in your bedroom.

I do not know why. I love my parents and felt guilty when I can notcannot satisfy them, and apparently I can ink out "rebellion stage" as the reason since I have passed it for years. Three years already, I've been struggling with self-cognition and my controversial future. The whole world around me--my family, my school and my neighborhood-- is trying to shape me an orthodox, sophisticated, and complaint women; however the harder it tried to shape me that way, the profounder I feel that my life suppose to fill of discoveries, journeys and challenges. That sounds like a plasticine-playing child who tries to shape the plasticine a ball, nevertheless makes it a cylinder.

I know no one means to it. Things may totally change if I were born in a poor household-my dream might be to own what these middle class ladies have: gorgeous clothes, college, and a peaceful life. However, it is exactly the ease and comfort shaped my dreams and aspiration. I saw how lifeless and meaningless it will be since the first day I touch it, and only wanted to pursue adventures as doing something beyond their definition for me.

Anyway, appreciation to my world is indispensable-it has given me so much materially, and, on the other hand, helps me find my dreams and aspirations.


Overall, I would focus less on some of the negative aspects of your experiences - running away, etc. - and focus more on how seeing the things that your parents and neighbors value has motivated you to place a value on different things. Lastly, really proof read your grammar and sentence structure. It makes for a very difficult and awkward read.

Just my $.02...good luck:)
rafacharmed - / 1  
Nov 9, 2009   #8
for my uc personal statement is writing about how much i love politics a good subject
veraxcity - / 7  
Nov 9, 2009   #9
@cissy- There's a good amount of gramatical errors, so follow Kelsey's advice. Try reading your essay outloud to yourself; if anything sounds off, it most likely needs a fix. Judging by the content and vocab, I'm guessing the errors are simply from typing too quickly or forgetting to change tenses after editing sentences, so you should be able to catch them all.

Content wise, I like the topic. But rather than simply stating that you're different from your superficial neighbors, tell us how you're different. Since you sound like a budding astronomer, it doesn't sound as though you don't fit in career-wise (unless you add a sentence about how your neighbors only appreciate down-to-earth degrees (pun intended =]) like poli-sci or business). Tell us precisely why you don't share your neighborhood's values with more examples, or (for a simpler way) move your concluding paragraph up. That way, you have your background first, the reasons you do not appreciate the environment, and what you did in response (running away, pursuing your own interests by watching the meteorshower).

Leave out the info about brewing wine, since it doesn't serve a real purpose- unlike your running away stories, which give us insight on your personality and interests. Being able to make your own alcohol isn't something admissions officers will necessarily be appreciative of.

P.S. I really liked the way your description of the meteorshower- you set the scene really well.

rafacharmed

@Rafa- Sure, but try to be vague about your preferred party unless it's obvious from your application. For example, if one of your ECs is volunteering for the McCain campaign and you're secretary of Young Republicans, it won't matter if you say you're a Republican. Otherwise, avoid naming a party by saying you aspire to make the world a better place by lobbying for the environment, public education, whatever. Back it up with experiences from ECs. You don't want to alienate a hardcore Republican admissions officer by saying you love Democrats, or vice versa. Good luck!
OP cissylewel 5 / 24  
Nov 11, 2009   #10
I really appreciate all of you!

oh, god`````` it seems I really should do some hard work on this essay... ^_^


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