Sivea, let me help you clean this up :-) It can actually be tighter and shorter than it actually is.It is important to keep the introductions short in an online class otherwise you will lose your audience.
My name is Sivea Mata'u. I was born and raised on the island Ofu Manu'a in American Samoa. I have two brothers and two sisters. On April 24, 2002 I lost my mother I was only twelve years old. A month later, I moved to Oxnard, California where I finished my 8th grade year and graduate from high school. After my youngest sister graduate from high school we moved to a small town Eureka, California. Family is everything to me. I love spending time with them, shopping, barbecue, and play sports (volleyball, football, basketball..etc). Sport is a big impact in my family, especially "Football". Glad to see my cousins playing in NFL can't wait for the young ones who working there way up. As of today, I finally decided to finished my Bachelor Degree with Strayer University. I'm looking foward to what they have in store for me. Can't wait to start this class and hope I pass it.
- Hi everyone,I am Sivea Mata'u, a native of Ofu Manu'a in American Samoa. My two brothers, sisters, and I lost our mother on April 24, 2002. I was only 12 at the time but that change in our family unit sparked a change in our family life. We moved to Oxnard , California a month after her death. I completed my lower education requirements there prior to moving to Eureka, California with my family members. As you can tell, I love to spend time with my family and sports, mainly football, has had the strongest impact on our relationship because my cousins play for the NFL. I'm really looking forward to spending time with you guys and learning from each other as we complete our Bachelor's Degree here at Strayer University.
Some points for clarification that need to be mentioned in your essay:
1. Why did you just decide to complete your bachelor's degree now?
2. What degree are you aiming to major in?