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I was born in Toronto Canada, into a very troubled and unfortunate family; reasons for transferring

mheshmati 1 / 3  
Jan 25, 2015   #1
this is my application essay. they are mainly looking for the content, no specific instructions that I must follow. I would really appreciate if someone would look it over:)

I was born in Toronto Canada, into a very troubled and unfortunate family. My parents always fought and I never had a normal, loving, and supportive family as many others do. At the age of four my family moved to Iran and that was where my parents finally got divorced. After my parents' separation, I didn't see my mom until four years later; therefore, I learned from a very young age, to be independent and to be able to take care of myself.

As I turned seven years old, I went to an all-Persian school and due to my inability to speak Persian I had very hard time at making friends and performing well in classes, so school was just like my house, a nightmare. I remember I would sit by myself at lunch break, daydreaming about the day that everything will change, the day where I will have my own little loving family, a day where l have a career that can show and prove that I'm not useless and I'm more than just a girl. Therefore from a very young age I realized I wasn't ordinary so I had to work harder, be stronger, and I should be willing to sacrifice and put more effort into my work in order for me to succeed and reach my goals.

At fourth grade, when I moved to another school, I decided to start fresh and be the change I always craved for. With being positive and determined I started receiving straight A's and found many friends. School wasn't just school anymore, it kind of became a home to me since it made me feel good about myself.

Eighth grade, my sister and I came to America to live with my mother as my father requested. My sister and I were actually glad since we knew we can continue our education in America, a country filled with endless opportunities to offer, plus we thought we will finally be able to have the family we always wanted.

When I first came, school once again became a struggle for me due to my lack of English communication but I was able to get through it by believing in myself and not giving up. After eighth grade, I got enrolled in a homeschooling program and I was able to complete it in thirteen months since I was eager to take the next step, college. As many other students, I had difficulty figuring out what I want to major in for my bachelor degree but after watching Gifted Hands (a movie about a neurosurgeon) and reading a post on Humans of New York about a guy who majored in neuroscience, I became very interested biopsychology and human brain and its capabilities.

Once my sister told me no one ever had the choice to choose into what family they are born in and how the couple first years of their life is going to be but everyone absolutely has a choice to make about their future; and I choose to be happy, successful, and strong. Everyone always laughed at me when they found out I want to go to America and continue education because that's not an option for women; but here I am, still strong, determined, and ready to face the challenges along the way and take advantage of the opportunities offered along the way. I had a very hard life and it was a bumpy road with many dead ends but I'm proud of myself for coming all the way to here without giving up. However I don't want to look back on my life anymore, I want to move forward and make a change; and I want University of Michigan be part of that change.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 25, 2015   #2
Are you transferring from one college to another? That is normally the reason that a person writes a personal statement for transfer purposes. While I read a very detailed biography coming from you, I did not see any proper reason for your wish to change universities.I am assuming that you are currently enrolled in some university and wish to move to the University of Michigan for a specific purpose? If that is so, then you need to state the reasons that you wish to switch universities. That is not very clear in this essay as you concentrate solely on your biography which, does not really say much about your academic reasons for the transfer.

Now, as a personal essay, it is very effective in the sense that it shows your development as a person, your life trials, and how you overcame them. All of which as aspects covered in separate common app essays. This allows the admissions officer to learn more than normal about you and your background, the question is, when is too much information too much? Draw the line at some point regarding your personal information. Or choose to concentrate either on the effects of your move to the United States or the trials and tribulations that you had in adapting to your new country. It is always best to discuss and fully develop only one topic in a personal essay as opposed to half developed dual topics, which is currently the case with your essay. It would be to your benefit if you opted to develop the personal story that you best feel applies to the requirements or falls alongside the other common essay prompts that they university requires.
OP mheshmati 1 / 3  
Jan 25, 2015   #3
well the college that I'm enrolled right now is a two year institution therefore in order to earn a Bachelor degree I must transfer to a four institution. and as for the content where would you think is the best place to draw the line. I've heard the more personal it is the better...

PS writing this was extremely hard for me and I was mostly looking for someone to correct any grammatical mistakes but thanks anyway. at least you tried.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 25, 2015   #4
Since you have now made it clear that you are trying to transfer to another university from your community college, I can tell you that you need to revise your personal statement and write it on a less than personal level. Transfer essays do not need to mention your autobiography. There is no need to get that personal. Instead, you should be concentrating your essay solely on the academic reasons for your transfer such as your desire to complete a 4 year version of your community college course in order to gain better employment opportunities or academic training, a need to prove that you can complete a degree course, or even some personal reasons such as having been plagued by family problems in the past that forced you to opt for a 2 year college course temporarily. Of course these are just some unsolicited advice that I would like to share with you. You can opt to not listen to my advice if you want to go with what you have currently written :-) I apologize for not delivering the kind of review you expected. You did not clearly state that you just wanted a grammar review at the start. Had I known, I would have only offered that sort of advice to you :-) I bet someone else here will want to do that for you. I'll refrain from offering you any more advice after this message :-)

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