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Boston College Supplement- plan to serve others in your future

AmazingEK 2 / 4  
Dec 19, 2012   #1
I just finished my Boston College Supplement and I would like to get some feedback from you all! Feel free to edit it and harshly criticize my essay!!!


Boston College (nursing)
1. St. Ignatius of Loyola, founder of the Society of Jesus, encouraged his followers to live their lives in the service of others. How do you plan to serve others in your future endeavors?

"Cough! cough!" the sound filled the room as my grandmother cleared her throat, shivering on the floor with just a blanket on. Even as at age five, I, who was sent to my grandparents due to my dual-income parents, could tell by hearing her daily groaning and coughing that my grandmother who had raised five grandchildren was physically exhausted. The cold was her worst enemy, and sadly, giving a back massage and applying cool wet towel on her forehead were the only cares I could offer. Every month, my grandma and I went to the hospital in Seoul, the capital of Korea, for a medical examination. To the eyes of helpless child, the collaboration of medical tools, therapists, and nurses that helped my grandma seemed magical. Since then, I have wanted to return this favor to my community by dedicating myself to serve ills, elderly, and needy just as the nurses who brought my granny's relaxed smile did when I could not quite accomplish such a feat with my naive care.

Keeping close to my childhood dream, I have volunteered at places like homeless shelter and nursing homes. And as I see my brother, who is about to graduate from medical school, helping my grandma and his neighbors who are in need with his college education, I decided to pursue a career in nursing. Firmly associated with my new vision, I have researched institutions where I can serve as a nurse with a BSN. Upon completion of this process, I decided to try out for ROTC to serve my country which has provided me with security and an opportunity for education. And for the side plan, to broaden my range of help, I plan to go on mission trips to third-countries through Living Water Church and institutions like Christian Medical and Dental Associations and International Healthcare Opportunities Clearinghouse which allow students in nursing school to join. Also, enjoying engaging with a variety of programs, I was allured by diverse international and domestic service programs offered from Boston College and strongly look forward to participating in these to assist anyone who wants and needs my aid. And for my final future endeavor, I want to enable students who hold the same vision and support them by sharing my experience and knowledge.

Although I cannot possibly understand and cure every disease, through The Boston College's William F. Connell School of Nursing's approach to aiding human life, I can utilize the wealth of advantages offered to garner knowledge and passion to genuinely serve and understand the people whose lives I wish to impact, like my grandmother. Believing the notion of St. Ignatius of Loyola that "Love is shown more in deeds than in words," I will embrace and apply all the valuable learnings from Connell School of Nursing, solidifying my goal to bring lifetimes of good health and good spirit.

davidjaychoi 3 / 6 1  
Dec 22, 2012   #2
One thing i really like about your essay is your specificness. This essays shows that you did yout research about the school, you clearly defined your motivations to pursuing a career in nursing, and the anecdote in the beginning is a nice setup for your essay.

One change i would like to say is "Also, because of my enjoyment in engaging in a variety of programs. ...". The original sentence sounded grammatically incorrect. Otherwise your essay is very strong, personal, amd convincing.

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